Am I a rubbish wife?

[exhausted20999]

I have 2 kids under 3 and am a SAHM right now but have plans to retrain soon. My husband works really hard, has his own business and between him working late or abroad , and all the night’s of broken sleep, we spend very little time together and even less quality time. We have no family anywhere near to help us so if we need help we have to pay for it. We don’t sleep in the same bed together as we alternate nights for our littlest baby who wakes several times a night and is a very early riser. Because of all of this our sex life is non existent. I have had back to back pregnancies and births, my body is a mess, I just have no confidence and my sex drive is so low. I have no energy to exercise, let alone sexercise. I know I need to sort this out and also arrange more time with my husband. He does have some plans to go part time and we’re looking at childcare options. In myself I feel like a different person to what I did a couple of years ago, all my love and energy goes into my kids and giving them the best life. We recently spend a big chunk of time in hospital, our baby was seriously ill. It’s been hard to mentally recover from it, I feel like I am still processing and just permanently anxious and serious. I used to be fun and chilled. I just don’t think I am that great to be around for him and we argue, which we never did before kids. I know it’s not forever but right now I am such a trad wife, my days are really long and exhausting, drop offs, pick ups, three meals a day with variations for each kid, cleaning, laundry, tidying up toys, I like it to some degree and appreciate this time is precious but I think I need some variety. I really do miss having fun with my husband, I feel like we need a few days away together, but this is not possible, so I wonder what the alternative is and how I can get things back on track with myself and him?

@Vintago thanks for the information about your grandma, she sounds amazing and was clearly getting a lot of sex!!

No my life wouldn't be better if I left my husband, I married him for a reason. Yes I do want to get back to being more of a couple.

Yes I'm sure none of the older children watched their younger siblings, or worked at the laundry with her🙄As for the comment on their sex life, that doesn't apply here. It's not one spouse throwing themselves at the other and being repeatedly shut down. As a pp said a 5 min wash up and 5 mins to do the deed is about all you can hope for at this point. That's just life when your children are young.

Thank you OP.
My other grandma worked full time as a hairdresser and she had four kids. She was an amazing grandma and nothing fazed her. My mum also worked, had four kids and did an OU degree in her fifties. I think they were all so grateful to survive the war (although my first grandma lost a son). They were impressive women although they would be the first to deny that how they coped was anything out of the ordinary.

Good for her.
Making a comment like this is unhelpful though, isn't it? Because the OP is admitting she is finding it hard. Saying "well my grandma didn't" will just make her feel worse, not better. A d, to be frank, you have no clue what your grandma's see life was/wasn't like, do you? She could have been miserable too, just didn't tell anyone because that generation didn't talk about stuff.

OP I'm sending solidarity, it sounds really tough and I remember my kids being small and finding it tough too. It is very relentless when they are young. I'm glad your child is no longer in hospital, that must have been awful.
As for advice, building in time on your own will help. Could you commit to going for a walk by yourself one evening a week? If you do and still think of the kids, you could try listening to a podcast at the same time. I found activities on my own really healing after a day full of fulfilling small people's needs.
Also, if poss look at your meal planning, could you get a slow cooker and batch cook for the week? Kids don't mind eating the same thing each day, as long as it's healthy. If poss, simplify this side of things as much as poss to free up headspace, eg beans on toast and cherry tomatoes every lunchtime, scrambled egg and salad for tea.

And you know OP is moaning? Or coming on a forum asking for advice? How was your Grandma's sex life? Yeah didn't think you'd know. Your comments are ridiculous and unhelpful.

You sound fucking ridiculous. A couple are still “man and wife” if they aren’t having much sex because they still have a young baby.

You GM example is also completely irrelevant, not to mention probably false. Very few women had the choice as to whether they had 8 babies, that’s completely apparent by the fact that now women have free access to birth control almost non of them choose to have families that size.

@Vintago I love differing opinions and perspectives but I don't really understand your agenda. Is it to say that my generation aren't as good as your generation as being a mum? Or that I should be more grateful? Or I should stop moaning?

A stiff upper lip and keeping feelings bottled up isn't how I want to live my life.

I realise I have it 'easy' in comparison - there is no world war, I have options for birth control, there is a higher standard of living, I have more rights - but it's all relative. I imagine your grandmas had family around and older siblings to help out.

Women today do more enrichment with their kids than any generation before them. Generally mums these days are taking more gentle routes to develop their kids, kids aren't expected to be obedient, it's not a case of giving a kid a clip round the ear and telling them what to do. I spend a lot of quality time with both my kids doing activities, hobbies and socialising with kids their age, that's important to me.

Anyway, please no more stories about women gone by who did more with less!

OP, If I am honest I think you are being unreasonable to your husband and making life unpleasant for him.
Two young children is hard as is three, four etc.
My grandmothers were just as I described as was my mother. I went back to work when my children were young. There wasn't any organised after school provision then so I paid a school mum to look after them until I got there.
Most women cope because they have to cope. Some choose to take it out on their partners.
You chose to open this thread n AIBU, not in chat. Why on earth choose that option when you get snippy and angry if I and other posters say, in our opinion you are being very unreasonable.
In future, perhaps make is clear in your opening sentence or in your choice of board that no one is allowed to disagree with you.

@Vintago how am I being unreasonable to my husband? I don't think I have said one negative thing about him. I have taken a lot 3 year career break to care for our kids (I could have put them into nursery full time but I didn't want to do this) and support him with his career. Yes I might not always been totally cheerful all the time or been that up for sex of late but I certainly make him feel very cared for in other ways.

Not even sure why you're giving that poster the time of day OP!

Just an idea for some practical tips..

Husband works from home and sometimes abroad. So you done really need to live in one specific place ?

Your biggest issue is that there is no support network. So all work/earnings fall to him and all childcare /home care falls to you .. this is very hard on both . and leaves little time for couple time.

EVERY successful long term marriage I have known offer 60 years has succeeded because the couple prioritised their relationship with each other.

People castigated the poster who suggested 100% focus on the kids can leave to the other parent feeling shut out and sometimes this causes the end of the relationship. No it's not nice to hear but just read some of the thousands of threads in here over the years - where exactly this happens . Of course I have seen the same in real life more times than I care to remember. No it's not right nor fair .. doesn't mean it's not something to be aware of and work together to prevent .

Do you have a support network you could move closer to ? Your parents or PIL ? Would they be willing to do the odd weekend of child care so you can both connect again as a couple . ?

You don't need to sign them up for a regular 2 days a week - I know I would never agree to that - I value my free time and retirement with DH .. but love to have my GC for a long weekend as I believe it's good for my kids marriages .

I think you're at a difficult stage and it will get easier. It sounds like you've had a difficult time with the illness though.

I was in a similar position to you when mine were that age - in so far as we had no family or friends to help - it does make it difficult. We've still not had an evening out without the children in nearly 10 years and I do envy people who have support nearby.

The difference for me though was I went back to work full time after mat leave - although that makes it harder in some respects as you BOTH have to be super organised with cooking/cleaning etc and the inevitable phone calls from nursery made it tricky - it did give me time to myself to be "me" again and to concentrate on my career. Msybe that would help? And it also means things ought to become 50:50 around the house.

@nextdoorconundrum thanks for the tips. Yes definitely agree we need to focus on our relationship, marriage is something to be worked at, not taken for granted. I do think I have been hyper focused on the kids but actually they are both in a good routine now, there's a bit more room to focus on 'us'.

No childcare for both kids isn't really an option with either set of grandparents for various reasons. It's hard but we have accepted it.

Woah, take a breath! You have little kids, it's a small period in your life where if something needs to slide then it's the relationship. That's OK. It's not forever. It's part of what will bring you closer together as they grow up and you remember how you were in the trenches together.

We dodnt have sex for a year after our first child. It came naturally after nursery started and new routines were built. We are super close, noone cheated. We were just tired and new parents.

Once he starts his part time hours or you get some nursery hours in, life will have space for you again. It's OK.

I'm sure plenty will say a year without sex meant I was lucky not to be cheatednon or that its not healthy but everyone is different. We were both happy. Noone pestered. We were doing 50 50 and we were tired. Sounds like you and dh have a lot on at the moment. If you stay together forever, this is such a small percentage of your lives and it will be over before you know it. Breathe!

@Paddock12 not possible for me to go back to work without commuting into the city and I don't want to do that so the plan is to retrain, and will start that in next couple of months I hope - I also cannot get any free hours childcare because my husband earns too much.

@GreatMistakes thank you - that is very reassuring xx

This 👏

What a lovely comment 😊

I agree, OP: you shall overcome! You are living through one of the most intense periods of your life! You and your DH are just where you should be right now, and you'll come out of it with a stronger relationship 💪

You are definitely not a rubbish wife- it is exhausting being a mum of 2 under 3, whether you are a SAHM or work full time. It's all consuming.

After my 2nd baby I totally lost interest in sex. I felt shit about my body and was so exhausted I couldn't face anyone else touching me after a day with both kids.
We felt disconnected with each other and were like ships in the night with our work patterns.

We got back on track by just doing stuff to connect with each other again- not with any pressure to be having sex, just to spend time together. I would suggest a date night in the house once the kids went to bed- either a nice takeaway or I'd cook something that the kids wouldn't eat. Or we'd plan to watch a film and just cuddle on the sofa. Even do something like playing cards or board games or anything you fancy.

It is hard when you have no childcare options but when the kids are even a year or 2 older you might feel comfortable paying a babysitter so you could go out for a few hours. Once you guys are just spending quality time together, the intimacy and sex will likely happen more naturally. It won't last forever!

So that means your husband earns too much to qualify for any free childcare. Then surely you have enough money for a babysitter now and again to spend some time together without kids

My relationship with my son's dad ended simply due to the fact he almost became obsessed with DS and I was basically shoved out of the way in preference to my own son. I didn't have an affair but wasn't prepared to be with a man who didn't want to be " a couple" first and foremost

"my sex drive is so low. I have no energy to exercise, let alone sexercise. I know I need to sort this out "
No you don't. Only have sex if you want to. Don't add it to your list of chores. DH can wait.