DS 2, I'm really struggling with behavior

[TattooedLady32]

Cross post on this topic for traffic , advice and even a handhold really.

As the title says really. I am really really struggling with my toddler. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained. I just want to sit and cry all day everyday. I'm not sure what I'm doing so wrong. I'll try and explain everything as best I can but please don't come for me, I feel terrible and useless as it is.

My two year old is absolutely feral. His behaviour is terrible. He's constantly hitting, kicking, smacking, biting, scratching, pinching, headbutting. I'm covered in bruises, he's given me black eyes and cuts to my face. He's a big boy for his age and is very boisterous. It doesn't seem like he's doing this in an aggressive way but more out of frustration. He cannot talk. Hes verbal but they aren't words yet. He constantly trashed everything, breaks everything, chucks things for fun etc.

He has a lot of behaviours that I would consider odd, such as the speech delay, tio toe walking, purposefully hurting himself (headbutting walls, the floor etc) doesn't wave, doesn't point, doesn't clap. he just does not stop. I'm trying me best to discipline him but he laughs in my face and hits me if I tell him no. He does have an understanding of phrases and knows what they mean he just doesn't care. He's very particular with routine and gets upset if things change. Also, he hates other people except me so I neve get a break.

His dad is quite lazy with the parenting and doesn't do much to help me with anything really. I'm really struggling and finding myself raising my voice alot and being very shitty because I just cannot get through to DS. And I feel bad because yes he is only 2 and has a lot to learn but I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like a massive failure because I just can't do it, I feel like he's out of control. Is it unreasonable to feel like this, I'm so touched out.

Do you take him out daily, rain and shine? To the park where he can run around, climb etc?

What is screen time like, do you leave telly on all day, does he get given a tablet or phone at all?

He doesn't have a tablet or phone no, he watches TV in the morning when he has his breakfast and sometimes in the afternoons. I try to take him out for walks every day or to the park, we go out in the car also which he loves. He plays in the garden too, we probably could do more activities then we already do to be fair. I don't think he is bored as even indoors we play and do stuff but he isn't interested in playing with me or anyone else really. He prefers to play alone.

You need to book an appointment with your health visitor and get a fresh asq scores sheet sent to you to fill out and an appointment made Ask to be referred to the speech and language team. They possibly will say go away and come back when he's older, but repeat visits led to them accepting my son into a group.

This isn't normal behaviour. My boy is a slightly milder version of this and I'm tearing my hair out. He's been referred to a pediatrician and the S&L think he has social communication disorder. Now we've accessed some of the sen provision in the Borough it's been very helpful. I struggle to take him places but at the social communication fun day we attended I actually felt like we were a normal family. Environment is everything. Ds was fenced in and it wasn't too overwhelming so he was chill. Everyone was. You don't need a diagnosis to start accessing sen stuff in your borough. I'm waiting to start a special playgroup in a few weeks too. There's lots out there

Big hugs OP I know how hard it is. Ignore the 300 replies of try harder/ you're not disciplining him etc. Get help

Ps, I'm hoping mine grows out of it, but I'm not going to waste time waiting

Does the HV have any concerns with his development?

Have you considered he may be autistic? I don't really like how often ND is suggested on MN but a few of the things you've said here are very common with children with autism.

My go to was The incredible years - I did it as a parenting course but you can get the book.
Has HV referred to speech and language?

Again, so similar to my boy. I try so hard to engage him but it's on his own terms only.
Is your son at nursery? Do you go to playgroups? How is he at the cafe etc?

He has not had his 2 year review yet but at his 18-24 month review they said he was behind on his motor skills and communication. His motor skills are good though. We do have an upcoming appointment for his 2 year review. There are other things he does as well which also makes me think he may have it. Or even ADHD or something.

No he doesn't go to nursery, we aren't entitled to the 2 year old funding sndbw can't afford it with these prices round here. But we will be entitled when he is 3. We go tomorrow children's centre to playgroups and he only just starting to not kick off. He won't play with the other children though and will just lunch them out the way or ignore them.

Well he sounds clearly autistic? Non verbal, tiptoes walking, self- harm, not waving points by etc, are all classic signs. Have you been to the HV/ GP and got referrals to the Child Development Centre/ wherever handles autism diagnosis in your area?

His behaviour sounds very extreme for 2. Lots of time out of the house sounds good as then it’s harder for him to break things and he will hopefully be more sleepy.

Given you are feeling so bad would putting him in nursery be an option? At least you would get a break at work?

No, we have an upcoming appointment with the health visitor I had some concerns and I did call them up and they just said it would be discussed at the appointment but they didn't seem very interested.

I don't work at the moment, I'm a SAHM and I get a disability benefit. My partner works full time so because I don't work we don't get any funding for nursery and we can't afford it really. He is verbal, he makes lots of noises and sounds but they are not words. It's more screeching, squawking, laughter etc

He might prefer to play alone as he hasn’t been around other children enough to learn play behaviours.

While there could be underlying SEN, I have to admit he sounds bored and unexposed to the world. ‘Trying to take him to the park’ - does he see family? Go to the supermarket? Toddler groups? Do you actively try to play with him?

His speech (or lack of) is likely why he is angry - he can’t communicate.

Physical violence was always my absolute line in the sand that would not be tolerated. What consequences are you imposing when he does this?

i would establish now that hitting/kicking you simply will not be tolerated. Hold him firmly and say calmly i will not let you hit me if he is starting to move to hit or kick. If he has moved fast and already done it, lift him swiftly and quietly from the space he is in and put him in his cot/in time out and do not engage with him. I don't like time outs but the one thing i wanted to teach my kids is that physical violence to others gets you ignored/zero attention etc and was pointless.

If you don't stop him doing this now, you could find yourself with a much bigger child hurting you more.

For other aspects of his behaviour i would chat to HV for support.

Also - have you had his hearing checked? Children who don't hear well can quickly get very frustrated and act out and it can also be a factor in speech delay.

Also its completely normal for them not to really play with other kids at 2.

But its still important they are around people, hearing speech and watching people communicate etc. Toddler groups, there are often things in care homes interacting with elderly which can be lovely. Also just seeimg you communicate - do you ever meet friends (with or without kids) and have him with you so he's seeing & hearing you chat?

Does the squawking /screeching mean something? So he makes a particular sound and you know it means “I need food” for example? If so, he would count as verbal.

If it doesn’t seem to be his own language and just happy/ sad/ excited sounds then he is non-verbal. Non-verbal children are often very noisy! Just the noise isn’t a translatable language if that makes sense.

Get going with referrals (your HV sounds crap, think you are going to have to be very very clear about his difficulties and how it is affecting his life and yours). You might find the GP better and ask for referrals for the Child Development Centre, Speech and Language Therapy, Occuptional Therapy and Audiology.

You may also be able to apply for the he Disabled Child Allowance? I don’t know much about this but I’m sure some other posters will.

Yes, we go together children's centre playgroups, and he has cousins who he will not play with, he comes everywhere with me supermarket, grandparents soft play and again he hits and pushes all the other children if they go near him etc perhaps he would benefit from some more social interactions.

Yes, the gp looked in his ears and said they are fine

Yes often I have friends over with their children and he comes with me everywhere so he is always seeing alot of communication. He has a bigger step brother too (6) and he doesn't want to play with him either and again is boisterous.

Looking in ears isn't enough, I'd ask for a proper hearing check.

No, the nosies are normally noises of excitement or happiness or upset, frustration etc they aren't translatable into words or sentences etc. I was told I could apply for DLA for him as you don't need a diagnosis but again I'm not sure if I should really.

On the speech, is he just 2, or nearer 3? Its a big difference. Lots of boys don't speak much until slightly later.

Thank you. I will do this.

Op, lots of neurodivergent kids in our family.

Buy a small indoor trampoline with a holding handle. Allow him to climb with a mattress to protect him. Do lots of rough play before you ask him to do anything/engage. Get an indoor swing attached to the ceiling.

It's hard but it does get better.

He is 28 months so 2 and a half. X