DS 2, I'm really struggling with behavior

[TattooedLady32]

Cross post on this topic for traffic , advice and even a handhold really.

As the title says really. I am really really struggling with my toddler. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained. I just want to sit and cry all day everyday. I'm not sure what I'm doing so wrong. I'll try and explain everything as best I can but please don't come for me, I feel terrible and useless as it is.

My two year old is absolutely feral. His behaviour is terrible. He's constantly hitting, kicking, smacking, biting, scratching, pinching, headbutting. I'm covered in bruises, he's given me black eyes and cuts to my face. He's a big boy for his age and is very boisterous. It doesn't seem like he's doing this in an aggressive way but more out of frustration. He cannot talk. Hes verbal but they aren't words yet. He constantly trashed everything, breaks everything, chucks things for fun etc.

He has a lot of behaviours that I would consider odd, such as the speech delay, tio toe walking, purposefully hurting himself (headbutting walls, the floor etc) doesn't wave, doesn't point, doesn't clap. he just does not stop. I'm trying me best to discipline him but he laughs in my face and hits me if I tell him no. He does have an understanding of phrases and knows what they mean he just doesn't care. He's very particular with routine and gets upset if things change. Also, he hates other people except me so I neve get a break.

His dad is quite lazy with the parenting and doesn't do much to help me with anything really. I'm really struggling and finding myself raising my voice alot and being very shitty because I just cannot get through to DS. And I feel bad because yes he is only 2 and has a lot to learn but I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like a massive failure because I just can't do it, I feel like he's out of control. Is it unreasonable to feel like this, I'm so touched out.

'Non verbal' is a bit of a misnomer as it means they don't use words rather than they don't make noise. Some people say 'pre-verbal' or 'non speaking' now.

I mean I'm not a Paediatrician and haven't met your DS but I have plenty of personal and professional experience and from your description I'm almost certain your son is autistic. Your description is almost textbook.

Do you have any family support?

My parents live nearly 100 miles away so they can't help much, and my partner is not very helpful with childcare. He agrees that DS may need some extra support but is not really the one to want to arrange anything etc.

Do it. Why wouldn't you if you are entitled? There is millions in benefits not being claimed that people are supposed to have

I just feel like it would be very hard and difficult to try and convince someone we are entitled to it/need it with not really any diagnosis or proof etc

Let me add, OP I'm a sahm too. But we send DS to nursery 2 days a week and it has been very very beneficial. The senco is DSs keyworker , and we had frank conversation about ds and his behaviours and escapism. Wed moved from a previous nursery because he was playing with one car all day long. At the new one they are so good with him, and the envies right do he behaves very well there. He is thriving. I recommend it if you can afford it. If you can't please look into sen play groups. I'd got down to one normal playgroup where ds would behave at, all the rest were triggering him badly. It's isolating.

We are due to start a new play group at our local children's centre this September for children with emerging needs. It will be once a week for 6 weeks at the moment so I'm hoping this will be somewhat beneficial.

His behaviour is outside of what I would consider normal development.

Make a list of all your concerns so you can go through them with the health visitor. Don't be fobbed off. Make sure you get a referral to speech therapy. Tell them you want him assessed properly. Film any particular concerning behaviours so you have a record/something to show them. If you don't feel you're being heard at the initial appointment ask for a follow up. Make a nuisance of yourself until they listen to you.

In the meantime, see if you can identify any triggers for your son's behaviour and try and adapt things accordingly. There are lots of Facebook groups etc. about parenting children with autism, have a look there and see if anything rings a bell/sounds like it could work for you.

You can get charities to do it for you/ walk you through it. I used to refer people to this via the age uk phoneline when I used to volunteer there.
Ask mumsnet to move your thread to sen parents, they are a font of info. I finally stopped lying to myself and went there literally this week and feel much calmer from seeing I'm not alone

You are entitled to funded and tax free childcare if you’re not working due to a disability and your OH earns under 100k

Are you ok OP? I feel like you've had lots thrown at you.

For the frustration with communication, have you tried picture exchange communication? So you get a board of symbols, things he might ask for like banana, juice, certain toys etc and he can point to what he wants.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. We have first hand experience of some of these behaviours and it was stressful and exhausting. Please get support for your son - it will also be support for you.

Go to your GP and start the ball rolling.

If you can afford it find a sensory occupational therapist in your area.

Starting nursery can help as they can access support services you can't trigger on your own.

I'd recommend learning all you can about autism techniques for toddlers and see if the strategies are beneficial.

Thank you I get pip, does this Count? He does.eaen under a 100k.

Yes I'm okay. I came here for advice and support and i deffo feel like I'm getting that. Thank you. Xx

At age 2.5 both mine are using full sentences and can hold full conversations - this seems to be the norm so what you're describing I would 100% think sounds like autism. He urgently needs to be referred and you need to kick up a big fuss.

Yes I have tried this but he just stares blankly at the pictures or will not focus long enough to take them in,he is the same with books, he likes to turn the pages but he doesn't like to stop and look at the pictures or even listen when I'm trying to tell him the words or pictures.

We did this when our DC was 3 - it was honestly the most helpful thing we were offered during the whole process from health visitor referral to diagnosis. The staff at ours were absolutely amazing, they had real expertise, knew how to manage not just the children but also completely bewildered parents. They helped us to identify exactly what needs DC had (other than just "special" or "additional") and pointed us towards other professionals who could help, recommended DLA and so on.

I hope it works just as well for you.

https://www.gov.uk/check-eligible-free-childcare-if-youre-working

On this link it also explains how some benefits also qualify

You are not a failure. This is not your fault. You didn't cause this, and you're a great mum because you care and want to help him.

Be careful going down the google rabit hole. Start your playgroup, and get some medical checks to see what is going on. Some of what you are saying may be ASD related, some may be a child trying things out/developing.

All children develop at different paces. My first was talking sentences by 1, my second (a boy if that makes any difference) has just started throwing out words with actual meaning this week and he is 25 months. He was not talking at all 3 months ago, and our doctor was concerned. The words this week are random small words, colours, numbers, letters etc, but they are being used in context. He is also insanely active and I describe him to others as a mountain goat. He will climb anything that he is able to. Since 10 months old he just won't stop running/moving. I am glad to hear that your child has good fine motor skills, that is a really great positive that he has an outlet for his energy.

Things that are helping us - going to daycare/changing to one that is more organised and practices speech etc. Ms Rachel on youtube on repeat in the background when he gets TV time (drives us mad but he has picked up a lot and at least there is some form of "learning"). Ours is obsessive over a book we found on amazon which has different sheep you can count/feel together and the number of sheep changes on each page, it is called 10 little lambs (little squishies).

Re. the toe walking, that could be ASD, it could be him having fun, it might be short tendons, it might be bad shoes. Ours did it for a few weeks and my MIL pointed out the huge chunky shoes I had just bought for him to stop wearing through his normal ones. Within a week of removing them it had more or less stopped.

Hitting/biting/scratching again could again be ASD or similar but also could be extreme frustration at the lack of words/ability to express themselves. Our older one did this a lot in the early toddler phase. Other book recommendations are the colour monster/hands are not for hitting/teeth are not for biting.

Just remember, he is a toddler. He is 2. He has no words and that has got to be really challenging. You are doing your best and you are making steps to help him. Good luck!

I rarely suggest diagnosis on threads where mums are asking for help but it really does like autism might be something to explore. My son was diagnosed at 2. He has very challenging behaviours. I would suggest :

A big pilates ball to roll him on and help with sensory regulation
A trampoline

Giving him time to decompress. Not making big demands. Looking for signs he is struggling to regulate and working out what he needs eg deep pressure massage.

I hope that you can get access to support. Google Portage and your borough name as this could be a good help for you. It's a play therapist who comes to your house (when child doesn't go nursery).

Sounds so hard op but you’re doing your best and that’s all we can do. Definitely see the gp for a paediatricians referral- you both deserve the support.

Another here who thinks autism is massively over diagnosed - but you should get your son checked out.

Not talking I wouldn't worry about, but not clapping, pointing or waving and the self harm/routines is off. It is the beginning of communication and does make things easier.

Does he bring things to you? To show you or does he try to lead you to things?

He may simply have a language delay and his behaviour is frustration at not being able to communicate, but...
He needs assessment..and you really need to get the ball rolling.
He's non verbal (noises don't count)
He has a LOT of red flags for autism.. the lack of pointing, waving , (lack of social communication) not being interested in others ..by his age toddlers are taking notice of others but not playing with yet, ..I'm going to guess he has no imaginative play with toys .

I work with nursery age children who have autism, and my own DS2 is autistic, and everything you have said, suggest he needs assessment. That doesn't mean he's always going to have massive difficulties...but the sooner he gets into the system for assessment ..speech, social communication, understanding etc etc, the sooner he and you can get support.

It's difficult, a child with probable extra needs is challenging, but it's not your fault in any way, it just is. But go to the GP and request referral to a Paediatrician and a speech therapist. If needs are identified he may have earlier access to nursery (or even an extra needs one... my son attended the one I now work in) and the sooner he gets support the easier it will be for you to manage.

Meantime.. trampolines, outside space, whatever helps him self regulate. It may be that toddler groups are too over stimulating for him right now.

Hang in there x

He will bring me his interactive books for my to hold while he turns the pages, and he will bring his beaker to get him juice when it's empty. He will guide my hand if he wants me to turn a nob on his toy or of he wants me pour water from a cup whilst playing in the bath etc.

Google gestalt language processing too. Mine taught himself to speak by watching gecko garage in netflix. Screen time has been ENOURMOUSLY helpful to us, so don't feel bad if your son loves it.