To ask for your ideas for “date nights” without babysitting?

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Trying to reinvigorate my marriage. After some tough years, DH and I are having couples counselling and it’s slowly improving things, but think we also need to reconnect more.

But trouble is, we very rarely have babysitting available. Kids are 9 and 7, so not old enough to be left alone of course. (No family nearby, no friends in a position babysit unless for emergencies, and just trying to get a new teenage babysitter in place, but DS (7) is not falling asleep without us so far, so options are limited although she may be able to look after them during weekends daytime soon)

Any ideas for things you can do at home to make it feel a bit like a date night, or just connecting activities that can be done at home after kids are in bed, or even with them around?

Also welcome ideas for regular date nights, for when we occasionally can get babysitting, anything that you particularly have found a good way to connect? We often end up with the usual - cinema, concerns, restaurants, so keen for other ideas.

I think a good walk is an underrated activity - woods/beach/hills depending on what's accessible. With a picnic or a pub lunch.

Sea/wild swimming if available.

Poker night at home.

Kitchen disco.

Shared bath/shower.

Sex.

Not sure if this is your thing, but we got some painting-by-number kits (detailed ones, designed for adults) and sometimes after DD went to bed we'd light a candle, get the kettle on and sit together at the table doing our painting. It led to some really nice conversations and time spent together.

Go out for lunch? That's what we do!

On Saturday nights we get a good bottle of wine, fancy cheese and cold meats and dips, etc, and set ourselves up as if we were out at our favourite local wind bar. (So we have yummy food by no cooking and very little cleaning up.) We dress nicely and listen to music and chat all evening. No looking at phones (except to periodically change the Spotify playlist), no TV. Sometimes I wonder what we will have to talk about but actually once you get into the flow there is lots, and you remember why you thought the other person was good enough company to marry in the first place!

Now we are at the point that if one of us heard something interesting on the radio or had an interesting chat with someone at work or whatever, we save the things up to tell each other about properly on Saturday nights rather than just a short garbled story during a typical weeknight.

PS - if babysitting is rare, do not waste it on the cinema, an activity where you can't talk to each other!

We got a Spicery subscription. Once a month they send you all the spices and recipe cards to make a curry and various trimmings. We then have a night once the kids go to bed where we open a bottle of wine, potter round the kitchen cooking together and then eat a meal.

You don't have to be Gordon Ramsay to get decent results and it feels a little bit different and gets us chatting and off our phones (which we both end up doing while we have a movie night or whatever).

Also, and this might not be in the spirit of things, because they send one once a month if they start to stockpile in the cupboard it's a bit of a gentle reminder we're due a date night (although because you buy the fresh ingredients yourself when you're ready you're not pressured to do it immediately like you would be with Hello Fresh or whatever).

We did similar a while ago and tried a chocolate tasting class (with kids) online, and a cocktail making class (without kids!) online once they were in bed.
we used to book one lunch a month and meet for a 2 hour lunch break-we’d actually have a bit of an agenda to talk thru too!

we really need to get back into too actually!

Love all these!

When you say your seven- year-old “is not falling asleep without us so far,” do you mean that he won’t fall asleep unless you’re right there next to him, or that he won’t fall asleep unless he knows you’re in the house?

I would really work on the 7 year old going to bed. So you can get babysitters. Even if it's once a month.
Would it really hurt even if he didn't go to bed until you're back if it's on a weekend?

We pick something fancy to make together, walk to a local wine bar and pick a nice bottle to have at home, or make cocktails and listen to music while chatting. Even in the winter it can be nice to sit on the patio with a drink. A bath together.
Anything that mixes it up from sobbing on the sofa on our phones!

Bear with me on this bit I have found going to bed a bit early with a brand new audiobook that we are both interested in, has been revolutionary for my marriage. He was apprehensive and rolled his eyes a bit but by the 4th night it was just routine. We only listen to the book together in bed, no sneaky catch ups etc. we just cuddle up with the lights off and get told a story. We both look forward to bed now and are much much more cuddly/intimate and have a lot more to talk about and it's happened organically. We both make suggestions for authors or books and tend to favour murder mysteries/police procedural etc but also mix it up a bit with the odd book with a bit of raunchiness.

Oh I live this one!

No wouldn’t be so bad, so yes, we just need to schedule the dates for the weekends. We are also a bit on a tight budget though, so that’s another thing I didn’t mention, paying both for babysitter and whatever activity we do out comes to a bit doesn’t it. But maybe we can think of activities which are free and then we only pay for the babysitter, and plan it for weekend nights.

I don't know what your work situation is like but DH and I both have flexi time, so we use our flexi leave allowance to take an afternoon off together maybe once or twice a month and go for a long lunch.

Otherwise, similar to PPs - get some nice food in, or sometimes order takeaway from a restaurant, and some wine and create a date night atmosphere. Low lighting, candles, music. No TV or phones allowed. If you have outside space and the weather is ok then use it - fire pit or chiminea if you have one, etc. We also play cards or chess, and we have Mario Kart competitions sometimes 😆

Every Friday night once the children are in bed we have a glass of wine or a gin and tonic in the living room and just sit and talk together. Candles lit, music in the background. It's our time to chill and catch up. Although I'm loving the suggestion from a PP about adding in cheese and nibbles.... I may steal that idea!

We also struggle for evening babysitters but we try to organise a day of annual leave together every so often when the children are both at school. We normally drop DDs off, go to a café and have a coffee and read our books, drive out somewhere for a pretty walk and have a long pub lunch then be back in time to pick the children up from school at 3.15pm. It does mean that DDs have to go to holiday club a few more days in the summer holidays as DH and I have used three days of annual leave each to have date days! But I see that as an investment in our relationship and well worth it.

We go for breakfast together if he's off work. We're home for the kids and don't need to ask family to babysit so it works out well. Or we have drinks and a takeaway, listen to music and talk.

This is so nerdy haha but we love puzzle night. My mum got us a 5000 piece puzzle made of our engagement photo so that was nice to do. With a bottle of wine obvs and a nice pizza. Paint and sip nights are so good too- if you're not artsy get a cheap paint by numbers online and a bottle of wine again, crisps, chocolate, music - especially if it's an artist you both like!

This is also probably a bit sad but the background music we like is the Bridgerton style covers of pop songs. If you search "string quartet modern covers" on Spotify there are absolutely loads. It's quite good fun putting that on in the background and every so often trying to name the tune 🤣

My parents used to do this most Saturday nights by the time we were that sort of age.

We'd have a light tea (like boiled eggs) and normally go off to our rooms, and do things quietly. Sometimes we went together, sometimes separately. I loved the peaceful time.

Then my parents would cook themselves a meal of things they thought of as being more adult. Something like half a grapefruit, followed by fried trout, and a shop bought cake and wine.
As I got older, I sometimes volunteered to wash up, and would pinch bits. 🤣

Loved our Saturday nights.

Lunch out and a walk if that’s possible, also once the children are in bed turn the TV off. Have dinner together, either a fancy meal you want something like a charcuterie board- as fancy or not as time allows but different enough to feel special. Then an early night or a shared bath.

We have a Sunday board game night with some wine after the kids are in bed - but that's probably a bit of an investment: we've always liked board games so have a decent collection!
We sometimes also just don't watch TV on a Saturday and chat with some music on instead.

DH and I like to cook together. Set the table nicely, light a candle, open the wine and enjoy.

We also do genealogy together sometimes then have cheese and champagne afterwards.

We like to play Yahtzee or watch a blue ray together.

Go for a short walk to the park with dogs and buy hot chocolate.

Go for a walk, pub lunch out, walk a bit more to digest food.

Go for a walk and buy an ice-cream. Just chat and hold hands.

We’ve started a couple book club. Every month we take turns to pick a book, buy it on Kindle, read it together, and then the last Saturday of the month we get a takeaway or an M&S dine in for 2 (depending on finances) and chat about the book.

I feel your pain, we have a 4 and 2 and I can count on one hand how much free babysitting we’ve had in that time. And with two nursery bills to pay, paying £50 babysitting on top of a £50 night out just isn’t doable.

Too late to edit but by ‘read it together’ I mean on commute and in the evenings to try and cut down on the addictive scroll!