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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dds friend issues - feeling bullied

55 replies

Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:11

Dd is 18. She's never really had friend problems before, she's easy going, kind and popular in her social group. She's not one of the alpha type girls, but she's thoughtful and kind.

She has a close friend who is very different, boy mad, doesn't think much of school, tattoos. Quite 'cool'. They used to hang out together a lot. Then this girl got a boyfriend and dumped dd. Yes, that's life. But then friend started being really catty - arranging to see dd then cancelling and then needing texts from dd saying that dd wasn't cross about it. Dd was always trying not to upset her friend. They had arranged a day out somewhere on Sunday and dd was really looking forward to it. Friend cancelled this morning, saying her boyfriend had planned something really nice for her instead. Dd was angry and texted friend saying she was disappointed and had really been looking forward to it.

The point of my post is that THEN the boyfriend texted dd to say she should butt out, he'd arranged something for his girlfriend and that dd was being unreasonable and both girls were being silly about it.

Dd is feeling a bit shocked and upset that they are both 'ganging up on her' friend is texting madly and calling, the more dd ignores the messages the more her friend texts saying things like 'dd don't be like this' 'why are you ignoring me?' etc etc

It's not OK for the boyfriend to message dd is it? Dd barely knows him although says he's horrible, always being nasty about his brothers girlfriend who is a bit overweight.

Before anyone says she's 18 - yes she is, still living at home though and not very streetwise about dealing with mean friends - she's been lucky so far with her friendship group. I've told her to ignore the texts and not reply but the friend is texting and calling every 20 minutes!

Is this all quite toxic or am I being naive? Dd is really upset and doesn't really know how to handle it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:13

Oh and the boyfriend has messaged dd 4 times since lunchtime telling her not to sulk and to 'get over it'.

I don't think that's OK!

OP posts:
Dulra · 03/09/2024 16:13

I would be concerned about your dds friend tbh. He sounds controlling

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:15

Dulra · 03/09/2024 16:13

I would be concerned about your dds friend tbh. He sounds controlling

Yes he is. He has form for sending texts to people he doesn't want in the friends life - sent one to a boy she'd met telling him not to text her any more 'because she was with him now'

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:16

Just at a loss what to advise dd - telling her to ignore it all doesn't seem to be working

(And I'm really angry with this boy tbh)

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 03/09/2024 16:16

When they ring again you answer, if it was me I'd threaten them, I'd say keep calling my daughter and I will break your fingers so you can't call anyone else and threaten them.

I would tell me daughter to stay away from these people he's controlling the friend and by their behaviours I'd say they're on drugs.

Dulra · 03/09/2024 16:19

My advice would be for your daughter to learn a little about coercive control and see how she can support her friend who seems to be in quite a controlling relationship, even if it's as much as to not react when her friend cancels like that. Simple message "that's a shame I was looking forward to seeing you, I'm here whenever you can reschedule". Her boyfriend is isolating her so it's important her friend knows she's there when she needs her.

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:19

Dulra · 03/09/2024 16:13

I would be concerned about your dds friend tbh. He sounds controlling

Not her circus, not her monkeys.

Block the BF, if the friend wants to stay friends then that's great but don't pander to the neediness anymore

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:19

Copperoliverbear · 03/09/2024 16:16

When they ring again you answer, if it was me I'd threaten them, I'd say keep calling my daughter and I will break your fingers so you can't call anyone else and threaten them.

I would tell me daughter to stay away from these people he's controlling the friend and by their behaviours I'd say they're on drugs.

I so want to ring him in particular.

I'm quite a mild mannered person but who the fuck does he think he is

OP posts:
NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:20

OP do NOT threaten a minor!!!

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:20

Dulra · 03/09/2024 16:19

My advice would be for your daughter to learn a little about coercive control and see how she can support her friend who seems to be in quite a controlling relationship, even if it's as much as to not react when her friend cancels like that. Simple message "that's a shame I was looking forward to seeing you, I'm here whenever you can reschedule". Her boyfriend is isolating her so it's important her friend knows she's there when she needs her.

I agree with this - however dd has been doing exactly this for weeks now and she just cracked I think. She'd cancelled something and made plans to go to this thing with the friend.

OP posts:
Dulra · 03/09/2024 16:21

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:19

Not her circus, not her monkeys.

Block the BF, if the friend wants to stay friends then that's great but don't pander to the neediness anymore

Show quote history

It's her friend whose she's known for years. She can't force her friend to leave this abuser but she can maintain contact it could be her friends lifeline one day. Personally I wouldn't cut someone off like that

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:21

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:20

OP do NOT threaten a minor!!!

He's 18 and of course I'm not going to threaten him!

OP posts:
NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:21

@Dulra these are teenagers. At the end of the day, friendships end and to be honest the boyfriend does sound quite sensible. Cancelled plans aren't the end of the world

comedycentral · 03/09/2024 16:23

I'd advise your DD to only engage with the friend, not the boyfriend. It sounds like he's trying to isolate his girlfriend.

Dulra · 03/09/2024 16:23

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:21

@Dulra these are teenagers. At the end of the day, friendships end and to be honest the boyfriend does sound quite sensible. Cancelled plans aren't the end of the world

to be honest the boyfriend does sound quite sensible
Really? My first instinct was controlling and manipulative but maybe I'm reading too much into it

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:25

@Dulra he made plans, the friend/gf preferred those plans so cancelled. At 18, not the end of the world. I'd imagine OP's daughter hasn't sent the nicest message and she needs to get over the fact plans have changed

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:26

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:21

@Dulra these are teenagers. At the end of the day, friendships end and to be honest the boyfriend does sound quite sensible. Cancelled plans aren't the end of the world

He's definitely not sensible and I'm sorry if I made him sound as if he was. He's got no right to message dd, dd wasn't nasty to her friend, she has every right to say that she was disappointed.

It's the weird neediness I can't stand - froend can do anything she wants and if dd should have the temerity to day anything other than of course I don't mind, don't worry about little old me, then the friend requires message after message of reassurance

OP posts:
NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:26

@Ghilliegums then she blocks both of them and moves on, but she's 18 and she'll make her own friends

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:27

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:25

@Dulra he made plans, the friend/gf preferred those plans so cancelled. At 18, not the end of the world. I'd imagine OP's daughter hasn't sent the nicest message and she needs to get over the fact plans have changed

Why on earth would you assume that dd didn't send a nice message 😆

OP posts:
Overbearingndn · 03/09/2024 16:27

Your daughter doesn't have very good boundaries and isn't assertive. It would stand her in good stead to learn how to assert herself.

When her friend dumped her she should have backed away from the friendship because that's not how friends should treat you. Instead she's condoned the treatment by going back time and again with the same result.

Now the bully of a boyfriend has got involved. In my opinion, your daughter should block her friend and focus on cultivating more authentic relationships.

Perhaps a book on healthy boundaries and a chat about how people should treat us would be an idea.

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:28

Overbearingndn · 03/09/2024 16:27

Your daughter doesn't have very good boundaries and isn't assertive. It would stand her in good stead to learn how to assert herself.

When her friend dumped her she should have backed away from the friendship because that's not how friends should treat you. Instead she's condoned the treatment by going back time and again with the same result.

Now the bully of a boyfriend has got involved. In my opinion, your daughter should block her friend and focus on cultivating more authentic relationships.

Perhaps a book on healthy boundaries and a chat about how people should treat us would be an idea.

I agree she needs to set boundaries. She's very sad about losing her friend. They were supposed to be going travelling together next month but obviously that got cancelled as the friend can't bear to leave her bf. Dd has managed to get over the disappointment of that but she's sick of it and so am I

OP posts:
ManhattanPopcorn · 03/09/2024 16:29

The boyfriends behavior is very concerning. Your daughter is your top priority but I'd be worried about the friend too. It might be worth discussing any concerns with your daughter. I think that an adult perspective on what might be going on here might help.

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:29

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 03/09/2024 16:26

@Ghilliegums then she blocks both of them and moves on, but she's 18 and she'll make her own friends

Yes, we adults all know how this pans out. It's hard when you are 18 and living it though.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/09/2024 16:30

I would advise your daughter to completely ignore the boyfriend's messages, block him, send one (and only one) message to her former friend saying "I do not want any more messages from your boyfriend - that is not ok" then block her too.

Then she needs to draw a line under that friendship. Her former friend is enjoying the drama, the power, the victimhood...just nope, move on, plenty of other friends.

Original poster
Ghilliegums · 03/09/2024 16:30

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/09/2024 16:30

I would advise your daughter to completely ignore the boyfriend's messages, block him, send one (and only one) message to her former friend saying "I do not want any more messages from your boyfriend - that is not ok" then block her too.

Then she needs to draw a line under that friendship. Her former friend is enjoying the drama, the power, the victimhood...just nope, move on, plenty of other friends.

This is exactly what I've advised.

But she won't do it!

OP posts: