Dds friend issues - feeling bullied

[Ghilliegums]

Dd is 18. She's never really had friend problems before, she's easy going, kind and popular in her social group. She's not one of the alpha type girls, but she's thoughtful and kind.

She has a close friend who is very different, boy mad, doesn't think much of school, tattoos. Quite 'cool'. They used to hang out together a lot. Then this girl got a boyfriend and dumped dd. Yes, that's life. But then friend started being really catty - arranging to see dd then cancelling and then needing texts from dd saying that dd wasn't cross about it. Dd was always trying not to upset her friend. They had arranged a day out somewhere on Sunday and dd was really looking forward to it. Friend cancelled this morning, saying her boyfriend had planned something really nice for her instead. Dd was angry and texted friend saying she was disappointed and had really been looking forward to it.

The point of my post is that THEN the boyfriend texted dd to say she should butt out, he'd arranged something for his girlfriend and that dd was being unreasonable and both girls were being silly about it.

Dd is feeling a bit shocked and upset that they are both 'ganging up on her' friend is texting madly and calling, the more dd ignores the messages the more her friend texts saying things like 'dd don't be like this' 'why are you ignoring me?' etc etc

It's not OK for the boyfriend to message dd is it? Dd barely knows him although says he's horrible, always being nasty about his brothers girlfriend who is a bit overweight.

Before anyone says she's 18 - yes she is, still living at home though and not very streetwise about dealing with mean friends - she's been lucky so far with her friendship group. I've told her to ignore the texts and not reply but the friend is texting and calling every 20 minutes!

Is this all quite toxic or am I being naive? Dd is really upset and doesn't really know how to handle it.

That's life I'm afraid, friendships end. We nip bad friendships in the bud or we get walked all over.

@Ghilliegums I'm very mild mannered too, but when it comes to my children if they are being hurt I am like a raging bull, also if he is 18 he is not a minor.
Please make sure your daughter stays away from these two people, if the friend tries to talk to her after this tell her to tell her she's not interested.
Your lovely daughter does not need dragging into their shit show of a relationship. X

I've always known the friend absolutely loves drama and I think her and her bf are loving this. I wish dd was more assertive!

Block the boyfriend (how has he even got your dd's number?) And send a neutral message to her friend. Keep it short and say 'let's talk in a few weeks' or something like that. They seem to like to create a fuss so I'd leave them to it.

Presumably he got her number from the friend

Just do everything in your power to get your daughter to stay away from them.
Has your daughter got another friend she can go travelling with ?

Sounds like she is also feeding off the drama then - the best thing you can do is step away and not encourage it.

She has but not until next year.

Dd did really well in her A levels, much better than predicted. Her friend didn't do very well at all - none of this would be relevant but the friend has really ramped up the weird behaviour since the results.

She does things like - arrange to meet dd at 7pm in the pub. Then text to change it to 5.30. Then dd will say sorry, I can't make it for 5.30 I'll still be at work. Then the friend will reply with something like 'oh well I can't wait around for you forever'. Then leave dd feeling as though SHES the one that's cancelled, even though she's been pushed into cancelling!

It's so weird.

I strongly suspect that your DD's friend is being abused/controlled by her boyfriend and that the cancellations etc are down to him deciding he isn't going to 'let' her meet up with DD. Which is why the friend keeps seeking reassurance texts from DD to confirm that she isn't angry with her for cancelling.

In your DD's situation, I would say nothing at all in response to the boyfriend and would simply block him. I would then send a message to my friend saying 'I've blocked boyfriend because he's been sending me a lot of abusive messages. I'm also quite worried about how much you've changed since you met him and how much he seems to control what you do and who you can see. I hope you're OK, and you do ever want to reach out for support with that, I'm always here. But until then, it seems best that we don't talk.'

Apparently she's texted friend and said she's really busy and will reply tomorrow. She's gone out with dd1.

That's a great message. I'll talk to dd about it.

I think I'd address this separately. Dd to ask her friend to not give out her number.

The boyfriend sounds like a thug!!! OMG.

I'd be tempted to say to DD and her DD's friend that they NEVER ever have to put up with men like that and you would always be a safe space for them.

Then I'd probably threaten to have words with him and have to be dragged away from the situation. (I felt my temper spike so badly when I read his message).

It's not OK is it? I have a feeling dh will go mad!

They are all being drama llamas. All three.

If your DD really objected to being dragged into this she’d have blocked his number at the first message. She’s choosing to keep engaging.

That’s no condemnation, by the way. They pretty much all do at that age. It sucks them in, they haven’t the maturity to shut it down and walk away.

I would stress to her that she has it in her power to disengage at any point. That what some random bloke feels he has a right to tell her doesn’t need to be of any interest to her. She can reply or not reply, it’s all in her power.

That’s no condemnation, by the way. They pretty much all do at that age. It sucks them in, they haven’t the maturity to shut it down and walk away I think you are right about not having the maturity, but not about being a drama lama. Dd is really not enjoying this at all. Also, she's not replied to the bf at all.

I think she's jealous of your daughter myself, tell her to just hang out with her other friends and stay away from these two, she wants to drag your daughter down to her level so she has a shit life like her, don't let it happen.
Then your daughter can go travelling with the other friends next year. X

She hasn't replied to the boyfriend - not the best friend, if 'bf' wasnt clear

DD off to Uni ? She’ll meet new people there .. or if she’s working (apprenticeship) she’ll make new friends. People just outgrow each other.

Yes of course, in a year she probably won't even see this friend any more. But I honestly don't think she'll forget this, because it's horrible.

If this were my DD, I’d be advising her to block both of them. Boyfriend and Girlfriend are enjoying the drama no doubt and egging one another on.

Yeah that's what I've done and will continue to do. If she doesn't want to listen then that's on her I guess.

What an absolutely stupid post.

@Ghilliegums tell your daughter to send a message to her friend to say she's going to block her now so she can get whatever it is out of her system and calm down. Block the boyfriend, no need to be nice to him.

total ignore the boyfriend and tell/text the friend(?) simple -Its out of order getting your fella to message,I was disapointed YOU cancelled not that he had arranged alternative plan.
i hate that gets jumped on HES being controlling. Theres as much chance shes not being straight up and saying-sorry im already do something then? /now friend upset at me? ...therefore insighting his crap message.surely.
leave it at that. block if continues.
as for the @Copperoliverbear response- what??? if hes 18 its another adult your threatening. good luck with that attitude.
@Ghilliegums YOUR reaction is very dramalhma.hopefully if "dh goes mad"its atchu for not just going "aaw thats shit"and letting dd sort it out herself.like a grown up

So much drama.

I'd advise DD blocks the friend and boyfriend and moves on. She's 18, it's up to her what she does, but I wouldn't want to hear anymore about it.