AIBU to ask if I’m just not a very nice person?

[Baskerville2]

Long term lurker but first time poster so please be kind.
I’m just beginning to wonder if I’m just not a very nice person?
I always try to be encouraging to people and be polite etc but my internal monologue just tells me that I’m just not nice.
I can be blunt and find it hard to be around people with no ambition or hypochondriac’s but just walk away rather than be rude.

My O/H says I can be a hard and blunt which I think doesn’t help how I feel about myself.

If I am just a bitch then how do I go about changing it without turning into someone who’s walked over. (You have to be very strong in my profession else you are simply walked over!)

Maybe a bit deep for a Monday night but it’s already been a long week!

Don't call yourself mysoginist names.

Women are often criticised for behaviour men are praised for. There's nothing wrong with being direct or assertive.

Your internal monologue is years of conditioning that you have to be 'nice'. Don't be nice just be yourself. As long as you're not deliberately rude or antagonistic, you're fine.

If you were a horrible person you would not be worrying whether you were or not.
You wouldn't care

I suspect most people are quite similar internally. I know I am. I just think it's normal and don't really beat myself up about it - so long as I'm polite and friendly to people!

I think if it feels your only 2 behavioural options when faced with someone who annoys you are to walk off or be rude, then you could probably do with some soft skills training.

Why do you feel that you’re at risk of being walked over if you’re not a bitch?

My O/H says I can be a hard and blunt which I think doesn’t help how I feel about myself.

Can you give examples? I'm wondering if he's saying that defensively.

I think someone who judges someone for having no ambition is a bit shitty yes. Why does everyone need ambition? Some people might be plenty comfortable with inheritance or likewise. Someone with no ambition might have a shit fuck more money in the bank than you. So to judge that is daft.

Did your dh helpfully contribute his character assassination out of the blue, or did you ask him a leading question?

I can imagine my dh laughing and saying I’m a soft touch, if I describe a work situation where I have given someone benefit of the doubt, or a social situation where I’ve done a random act of kindness. He wouldn’t mean that nastily though,

I would describe my Nan as hard and blunt. She grew up in poverty in a mining community, lost her first husband in ww2 and then remarried and worked full time whilst raising a child and helping her second dh cope with his life changing war injuries. Sometimes life makes us tough and straight forward. And gives us little patience for what seem like the trivial problems of other people. I had the utmost respect for her, and I don’t think she had any self doubt, you shouldn’t either.

I'm similar to you. I've been through a lot of trauma and to cope with it I've hardened myself so I struggle to empathise when I feel people are "whining" as I'm a keep calm and carry on type.

Absolutely this.

If I am just a bitch then how do I go about changing it without turning into someone who’s walked over. (You have to be very strong in my profession else you are simply walked over!)

Op, PLEASE stop calling yourself a bitch when what you mean is you have to be assertive. I hate that misogynistic bullshit. I have to be very assertive in my role, and that doesn't make me a bitch. No one would ever criticise a man for being assertive.

What is soft skills training? And where could I find it?
The industry I work in is very dog eat dog. There’s a lot of backstabbing to get ahead.

I know people will roll their eyes, but might you have ADHD?

Why do you find it hard to be around people who aren't ambitious? I find that a bit strange to be honest, because it doesn't affect you personally. Do you mean that you couldn't be friends with someone who had a minimum wage job if they were just happy doing that?

I am the same. Prefer it to false and gushing. There is no need to be rude anyway, just do not engage.

I hate when people come on and criticise the person who mentions ADHD...but come on seriously?? I have ADHD and a kind heart, I'm not rude to people and I don't judge people. What makes you think this is ADHD?

Have empathy for other people and understand that everyone's experience of life is different and stop judging them, you have no idea of the struggles people face. I personally think unkind people are far worse than those without ambition or hypochondriacs because they aren't hurting anyone else, so turn your energy on yourself and work on tolerance and kindness rather than looking for flaws in other people.

I used to be like this. Then I realised most of it was due to the way I had been raised and my parents instilling values in me that actually aren’t the most important.

my life philosophies before were things like “the world doesn’t owe you a living” and I though ambition and drive were so important. I operated at a million miles an hour and thought most other people just weren’t on my level.

i trained in a job I absolutely hated but I thought was “successful”, worked my arse off and basically wasted my 20s reaching the top of a career I hate. Burnt out and had a family, went through some life events and now realise health and happiness is the most important, and I am so much more laid back and relaxed.

For example, if he is moaning about something at work, I’ll try to find solutions and be sympathetic but if he’s still not done anything about it a week later I stop being quite so encouraging etc.

I almost feel like I don’t know how to be.

You aren't the problem.

You have exhausted your tolerance level for whiny men you mean?

Have you hit your mid 30s/ early 40s? I found my tolerance level very much ran out around 35.

God no, my friendship group has a wide range of interests/jobs etc.
I wasn’t actually meaning to sound like I couldn’t be friends with someone with different goals etc more using it as an example that If I don’t agree with someone etc I just don’t get involved.

Maybe someone should proof read my rambling before I post next time. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yep mid 30’s! 😂

Op, maybe you need to be reexamining your relationship. You may very well have outgrown him, and he's trying to make you feel that you're the problem. If he doesn't share your ambition, maturity and resiliency, get rid of him. You're not suited.

@Baskerville2 You aren't the problem. Too many years of trying to live up to other people's expectations of us. Be who you are, people don't have to like you but you have to be true to yourself 😊

Being blunt and honest is 100 times better than wishy washy and whispering behind someone's back.

Are you young? I didn’t used to have much empathy when I was younger but after going through divorce, health problems, abusive relationships etc, I became far more understanding of people.

Also I feel personally affronted because I’m a hypochondriac (health anxiety) with no ambition🤣. Well my ambition is to be happy and maybe live on a narrow boat but I imagine yours is somewhat more conventional i.e. be successful and then discover that your job makes you miserable and is pointless because we’re all going to die and no one will remember us in 100 years.