AIBU to ask if I’m just not a very nice person?

[Baskerville2]

Long term lurker but first time poster so please be kind.
I’m just beginning to wonder if I’m just not a very nice person?
I always try to be encouraging to people and be polite etc but my internal monologue just tells me that I’m just not nice.
I can be blunt and find it hard to be around people with no ambition or hypochondriac’s but just walk away rather than be rude.

My O/H says I can be a hard and blunt which I think doesn’t help how I feel about myself.

If I am just a bitch then how do I go about changing it without turning into someone who’s walked over. (You have to be very strong in my profession else you are simply walked over!)

Maybe a bit deep for a Monday night but it’s already been a long week!

OP, if what you’re saying is that you’ve lost patience with your DP’s lack of initiative and hypochondria, that’s a totally different issue. There’s only so much aimless moaning one can take.

People don't like me and I have no idea why.

I bend over backwards being nice.

But I still get rejected all the time.

Slight off topic (sorry) Can I ask what industry? I only ask, as I absolutely hate backstabbers and will warn my children off such careers/ industry.
thanks

I can be blunt and find it hard to be around people with no ambition or hypochondriac’s

a little alarm bell went off at this

But the two things are different. Assertive means just that, having the ability to assert yourself if/when needed in a firm but fair and friendly manner.

'Bitchy' means asserting yourself in a hostile, confrontational and/or unfriendly manner, which is something completely different. If you don't like 'bitchy', what word would you use to describe this behaviour?

Nah embrace yourself - your head belongs to you think what you please.
There are a lot of scumbags in the world and I can't fathom being cruel to animals or children or why people generally do horrible things to each other.
But if I want to roll my eyes internally I will, that's ok - don't beat yourself up for what is perfectly normal.
If you are getting down from feeling negative then you can work on that for your own happiness but not because you feel like you need to because otherwise you are 'not a nice person' - course you're bloody are nice or you wouldn't even care to care about it 

Same. I was ready to say OP WNBU but those aren't particularly nice traits.

I can be blunt - but I'm aware people still have feelings, so I'm mindful to deliver what I'm saying in a way that wouldn't intentionally upset someone.

Saying I wouldn't want to be near those who 'lack ambition' or who are 'hypochondriacs' makes it sound like OP feels she's better than others by not having those 'flaws' and doesn't care who knows it.

My own experience of blunt people is that they don’t tolerate bluntness directed at them quite so well. What happens when you receive the same treatment you dish out? What happens when you’re judged to be unambituous (you’ll probably find there’s someone who’d think your career goals silly and aiming low)?

Why are you meeting so many ‘hypochondriacs’?

it does sound like there are things to work on with regard to empathy there.

also - it’s not the case that the only two choices are ‘hard as nails’ or ‘walked all over’. Who told you that?

What industry do you work in OP?

I have always worked in industries where you need a thick skin and often have difficult people around (schools and prisons etc) and so my outer person is extremely kind and supportive but my inner voice often tells them to shut the fuck up.

It helps that I’m naturally quite placid and I don’t like people seeing me upset or angry (especially in the places I’ve worked in) and so I put on my mask.

My only suggestion is that you learn to wear a mask and that it’s ok that not everyone knows what you’re thinking/how you’re feeling.

someone who describes themself as “blunt” will usually be someone who “I tell it how it is” and “i’m too honest”

aka rude and insensitive

Similarly if any poster describes themself as “i’m too nice”, i immediately think I doubt that very much

Sounds like it's not that they don't like you; more like they see you 'bending over backwards to be nice', view you as a bit of a pushover to take advantage of, then reject you when they don't 'need' you anymore. Does that sound about right?

Being "nice" generally means:

Spending too much time listening to other people whinge
Being polite to people who frankly don't deserve it
Etc etc

You don't owe people your time unless you want to give it to them,

If they whinge then unless you have a generally reciprocal relationship listen for a bit and then move the conversation on.

I think a lot of people have these thoughts, but it probably does mean there’s something about yourself that you would like to change. Calling yourself a “bitch” probably isn’t helping how you feel about yourself.

Saying you “find it hard to be around people with no ambition or hypochondriac” sounds very judgemental, so perhaps you’re quite a judgemental person? That could be a place to start. I find that people who don’t like themselves very much (or at least something about themselves) are often the most judgemental. Could that be it? If so, try understanding and empathising with others a bit more. Do they have “no ambition” or have they been beaten down with obstacles and need inspiration? Are they just happy with their lives as they are? Are they “hypochondriac” or do they have underlying health issues that you don’t know about? Do they have health anxiety linked to past traumas? You just don’t know. If you find yourself judging, assume they are going through their own personal hell. It makes it much easier to empathise that way if you’re someone who struggles with empathy. (I say this because I’ve been this!)

I can be blunt and find it hard to be around people with no ambition or hypochondriac’s but just walk away rather than be rude.

What an odd statement.

What’s your definition of no ambition?

How do you know if they are hypochondriacs? Are you meeting these people in a medical setting?

I’m not sure this is true. I’ve been told this about myself before but I think I’m not that nice but also suffer low self esteem and therefore care that people don’t think I’m nice even when I’m not nice 😂 I’m generally going through the motions to try and pretend so as not to be caught out but inside I can be really judgemental and don’t have any time for most people.

OP do you care really if you are ‘nice’ as I get older I definitely care less. I’m never openly mean to people but have stopped trying to people please to try and appear ‘nice’.

I have a friend who has a problem time keeping but every suggestion is met with 'it won't work' eventually I realised its not on me to think of a solution and some people just like a whinge.

Just say 'oh dear I'm sure it'll be ok/you'll sort it/it'll get better' and change the subject.

I think people's jobs rub off on them so you're likely a bit hard/blunt but that doesn't make you a bitch

It's your husband's opinion that seems to have shaken your confidence and made you question and doubt yourself. If you are hard and blunt you wouldn't be posting here tremulously asking people to be gentle. Perhaps you aren't as hard as you thought and certainly as he thinks - and in any case you shouldn't call yourself insulting names.

You would appear to be impatient with certain sorts of characteristics in other people and your example of how you respond to your husband's complaints about his work reminds me the way I think men tend to deal with such things, which is practical and logical but not emotionally engaging or sympathising or empathising. I am not saying that's a good or a bad thing and not criticising you for it.e. I expect you are a mixture of traits and characteristics, like most people and that you have developed certain ways of behaving according to need or circumstances or example. What is your profession?

What was your childhood like OP?

You sound fine to me.

you're not beating people up
you're not walking around being purposely cruel to people.

You've got no patience for people who talk a load of crap..... good on you.

I'm the same.

Feel like i'm quite emotionless/cold about things/events whereas other friends would be gushing and really excited (both for events in my own life and in others lives).
e.g. if someone got a new job or moved into a new house I would congratulate them but wouldn't ask a million questions and go on about how amazing it was my friends would.

Also no time or sympathy for people complaining about being ill if they've done nothing to try to improve the situation (e.g. taken medicine or sought advice from a health professional).

Have wondered whether I am on autism spectrum, or else I'm just unsympathetic !

By no ambition, I took it to mean the OP lacks patience with those who just drift, let things happen to them, but do nothing to proactively change anything e.g look for another job. It’s not about money it’s about fecklessness.

Also by hypochondriac, I took it to mean those types who are always complaining about some illness but never go to the GP to resolve it. They just prefer to complain.

Both these types get on my nerves too.

I'm blunt, very efficient and a bit judgy! And sometimes wish I was different and was someone really chill. But I think you have to embrace your own personality. My personality means I'm happy to go off working abroad on my own, I'm very good at my job, nobody takes advantage of me personally or professionally. I am very empathetic and kind when people have actual issues and I'm often the first one in multiple friendship groups people come to when things are tough eg fertility issues, mental health. If I respect someone I am kind, I've got lots of good friends and I'm very well respected at work. But nobody would describe me as 'nice'. Im fine with strangers, but I really struggle with interacting with people I don't respect and I think I do come across as rude if people are being really idiotic or moaning about nothing.

Don't try and change yourself completely, just try and keep your feelings to yourself/whack on a generic smile when it's not something important.

"Nice" is overrated and sometimes not positive at all: to me it defines a superficial quality, it doesn't say anything about the person displaying it in terms of moral compass or character. (I say this as someone who has always been described as "nice" and just recently started to see that niceness is a kind of mask that hides my trauma).
I'd rather aim for goodness myself.

100% this! Just worded much better!!

I'm a bit similar. I think a lot of people are! For me it tends to be when people don't take any accountability for their own situations though or fail to perceive cause and effect.

No issue with anyone having no ambition. Don't then moan you don't have the benefits that would go with that though and snipe at people who have worked their way to something better.