To ask what would you do?

[autienotnaughty]

Spoke to sil yesterday she brought up dn birthday which is next month she invited dc to the party (soft play) then back to theirs for a get together. All good. Kids are all 4-6 years old and get on well.

That night dh gets a text from one of his oldest friends they are doing a bbq at theirs to introduce their new baby. Same day same time, all dh friendship group are going plus partners. Dh wants to tell sil we can't make it to nephews party as we are already going to bbq.

I want to ask mil if she will take dc to the party while we go bbq. The we all meet back at sils. We would have around 3hours at bbq. Dh is worried we would look rude leaving early and bbq may not have started by that time.

Wwyd?

Attend the first invitation accepted l.

I would go with kids to the party. DH go to his friends.

I think your plan is good it leaves nobody feeling like second best. Overall though you need to honour the commitment to SIL and not make her feel like there was a better offer

Will SIL mind you accepting the friends’ offer after you’d already accepted hers. If not, I think it’s fine for MIL to take the DC to that and you and DH go to the party. Otherwise, I don’t think there’s going to be any way in which this doesn’t look like you got a better offer and her feeling slighted.

When DH and I are double booked (which has been a lot this summer for some reason!) we often just split and go to one thing each individually. Depends on whether you’d prefer to be with your DC and DH’s family, or DH’s friends.

I would make it so your DC goes to the event that would be most valuable to them (if you can arrange it). So bbq for you, and birthday party for them, as you suggested.

You both attend the party and DH leaves to attend the BBQ in the evening.

DH is out of order. You go to the first invitation accepted.

No way would I go to a soft play with ILS whilst he swans off to the BBQ, and splitting it is rude too.

DH has to tell friends you can’t make it, and arrange to see them another time.

I was always taught 'put family before friends'. (As long as you have a reasonably nice family of course!)

Why is DH worried? Surely he can just explain the situation to his friend so they're aware you'll be leaving early.

I wouldn't be particularly bothered about your absence at soft play, but I'd be pissed if I knew you were enjoying a barbecue during the get-together when you'd accepted my invitation first. If you decide to go to the bbq, I'd be joining the second part of the party no later than an hour after it started. That would give you three to four hours with his friend. Check with both parties if that would be OK.

We are not sure what to expect with the bbq. It starts at lunchtime and they have a 3 week old baby. I'm assuming it will be over by 6ish. Dh thinks it could last longer. But if we decide to go sils we would probably need to leave bbq 4ish. I think this is fine dh does not.

Technically we could have received the second invite before I told dh about the first. It literally came 20min after I told dh. So sil wouldn't know it's a better offer

DH asks friends for more information about barbecue timings, and you decide then.

I could go dns party but I think that makes dh look worse tbh.

Sorry but you’ve excepted an invitation, to squeeze another in is insulting to all parties. Just basic bad manners

I don't think we can ask when will it end. They probably don't know either.

I think it’s rude to send the dc without parents, they’re still young and should be supervised by parents, not MIL who should be allowed to relax.

When SIL invited you did you accept? If you did, then you go to SIL’s party first. DH is being odd, he just needs to tell friend he has to go a party for his nephew.

Why are you and DH so worried about how he looks?

And not worried about poor SIL who has invited you?

It’s not a crime for DH to tell friend he has a prior engagement.

I said to sil it sounds fine but she was ringing to book it so didn't have details at that point.

I got home told dh.

Twenty minutes later dh gets text from friend.

A couple hours later sil messages with details.

Option 1 - DH goes to the BBQ alone. It's not unreasonable for you to say to SIL that the two invites arrived the same day, and so when you checked with DH it turned out that he wasn't free after all.
Option 2 - if MIL is happy to take the kids, DH replies to his mate to say that you'll pop along for the start, but you'll need to leave at 4pm as you've already accepted a family invite. Not rude to leave at 4 if you've warned them. Hopefully they will either make sure food starts before then or let you know if it's likely to be later.

Ok as you haven’t said yes to SIL then yet then you just decide where you’d prefer to go to.

Might just be a case of attending the BBQ whilst SIL is at the soft play and heading to SILs house afterwards.

Just clocked that DH’s friends’ barbecue is to show off their new baby. Drop the DC at the soft play, then pop in to the barbecue for an hour whilst they’re there, before going to SIL’s gathering: the likelihood of a couple with a brand new baby being the life and soul and up for a long afternoon is pretty slim, say your hellos to everyone and scooch off.

I agree I don't see this being an evening sess.

Which one do you and DH actually want to go to? If you wanted to go to the BBQ you could tell SIL that you didn't realise it was the same date and time that you already have plans. And if someone offers to take DC then great. If you'd rather go to DN party then decline the other plans. I dont think he should go to a BBQ while you're at his families party, that does feel pretty bad.

You accepted an invitation, you go. Manners!