To think these small comments from my Mum are actually quite mean?

[55j5]

My Mum is someone who comes across as so lovely, but sometimes she says things that I find really cutting and painful, even though they are small comments. For example, I went shopping with her and when we went for some food I was talking about the clothes I had just bought and saying how I really liked them, and she replied 'But it's not like you have anywhere to wear them as you never go out'. They were just casual clothes; I admit I have quite a small life, but they are just basic everyday clothes.

Another example is she is constantly gushing to me about my friends or her friends' daughters who are around my age. She is never positive about anyone else in the same way, only other women around my age. She will talk about how slim and gorgeous they are, or how bubbly and fun they are to be around, or how much money they make. It is completely over the top.

She also gives off the impression that I am just an unlikeable and easily forgettable person. An example is I was mentioning I was going to an old workplace of mine, and she said that my old colleagues wouldn't recognise or remember me as they didn't know me, even though I worked there for 2 years and it had been less than a year since I had left. When I emailed my university tutor for a reference, she said she would have forgotten who I was - she had been my tutor for 4 years at that point, and I had had weekly 1:1 meetings with her for months when she supervised my dissertation, and I had only graduated a few months beforehand. If anyone does anything nice for me, she implies it's because they feel sorry for me, or they have some underlying motive for doing so.

AIBU to think these kind of comments are said intentionally to be mean?

YANBU, that’s just mean - she sounds jealous

YANBU. she sounds insecure and threatened x

That’s really upsetting. YANBU. I wonder why she does that? I would have to respond by saying, “why are you saying that?” “Why are you constantly trying to put me down?”

Some people need a good slap with a wet fish. She has low self esteem and she's projecting her feelings onto you. I would see her less until I had better boundaries so her belittling comments didn't bother me.

"Of course they'll remember me mum, I'm fabulous."

Of course they are mean. You need to stand up for yourself and call her out on them.

Yes mine can be similar. Op dont tell her so much I realised I used do that. Now my answers are yes no. I dont tell her much

My DM can be a bit like this. She is very invested in my friendships and gives a lot of (unsolicited) advice about what to say etc. It's very strange as she struggles with friendships and doesn't have many. She always tells me I'm "lucky" to have so many friends. I always want to say "it's because I'm a nice person"

Can you gush about how supportive and nice your friends mothers are? Turn the tables on her and say how lovely/bubbly/slim they are ?

I think they're a bit mean. Can I ask how old your mum is because my mum does similar but doesn't necessarily mean to be mean. I wonder if it's a generational thing as I know she is sometimes perplexed by behaviours my friends and I will all be in accord on. I think mums think they can be direct to their adult daughters but daughters view it as being judged or patronised or belittled by their mums- and that they wouldn't say these things to anyone else so why to us.

I call my mum out now on the comments and say she's rude or unnecessarily sarcastic. I also interpret the deliberate gushing over others as intended to slight me - I have done since childhood. I usually remind her they're not that perfect and ask if they also fart rainbows? There are women I resent to this day due to childhood comparisons in their favour.

Yes they are mean - my mum also says things like this - sometimes it’s deliberately mean sometimes it’s just her. You can confront my mum and she’ll get really nasty and then improve for a bit but she’ll always return quickly to her mean old self. You won’t change her and the reality is you will gradually stop telling her so much and build walls up to protect yourself. 😢

Yes. Mean and spiteful. It's negging, and usually means she is insecure, probably jealous of you and your youth, and the fact you have your whole life ahead of you ... Easier said than done, but try to ignore her.

This!

All I know is “bubbly” gives me the rage.

She does sound mean. I think some mothers, mine included, like to push their daughters down and wreck their self esteem.

It does not sound like jealousy, I think she is disappointed in you or your life choices. She may be in competition with other mothers who boast about their dc.

I sympathise. My mum is very similar.

She sounds like a bitch, sorry. My recent ex’s mum was like this, she’s obsessed with peoples weight and what they eat, to the point no one invites her anywhere as they are fed up of hearing it. She would constantly talk to my ex when we visited her about ‘so and so’s son oh he looks great he must only weigh this much’ to saying only fat people drink alcohol and only overweight people do X, Y, Z - this would usually be anything me and my ex did and sometimes they were really bizarre suggestions that had nothing to do with food.

My mum would never put me down like this. I wonder how old your mum is because my ex’s mum was only 10yrs older than mine but she is so old fashioned, a true misogynist that believes everything is the woman’s job etc etc. and was so miserable and negative about everything, whereas my parents act a lot younger, very fun and ‘liberal’ in comparison.

And I am genuinely not MIL bashing here but I wonder if it’s a generational thing or if it’s mothers that hold similar views?

I read somewhere that often a child's first bully is their mother.

Whether it's jealousy, resentment, meanness, it carries on to adulthood because the child can never call it out because of guilt or upset.

And that's how they continue to do this to people.

Break the cycle, tell her nothing and when she does comment, stand up for yourself. It's the only way.

My mother is from a culture where comparing your childrens activities seems to be a national sport. Its exhausting, she's also prone to being mean spirited and spiteful at times so I do empathise, I generally ignore unless its something really outrageous where I will ask her why she said that or what she means.

Oh my word I had never even thought of this, it's brilliant

My Mum has always put me down and raves on about her friends daughters and their bloody wonderful lives. The only time I've ever thought to answer back was when her friend was going on about her DD ringing from Australia wanting 'Mummy hugs'. My Mum very snidey asked why I didn't want or ask for 'Mummy hugs'

I just replied what you've never had you don't miss

Yes it is unkind and she is comparing and making the little digs to show her displeasure at what she feels are your flaws.
So you have quite a quiet life and she would rather have a gregarious social butterfly to brag about.
She doesn't think you make enough of yourself so people will forget you as you aren't "bubbly" urgh.
They are small things but it's hurtful, and I'm sure she wouldn't see it as that hurtful but it is.
It's a shame because a nice outing like shopping but the comments send you home with a little ice splinter in your heart.

It took me a long time to recognise this in my Mum. It seems really common. I am mid fifties.

My mum also puts me down subtly. I sympathise OP. I can also relate to the talking randomly but over-enthusiastically about other people in a comparative way bit.

OP I'm so sorry your mum is so mean to you, I agree that you should turn it back on her and compare her to your friend's mums who are nicer.

I don't think it's a generational thing though, I have an adult DD and I wouldn't dream of putting her down like this I'm super proud of her. And my own lovely mum wouldn't have done it to me either.

Your mother must have extremely fragile self-esteem and sees you as a threat, so by negging you, she is showing her discontent with her own life, sees you as the youthful version she once was and is seething with anger. She is only happy when she can do what she believes is bringing you down a peg or two.

if you can see it from that perspective, then when she is being so cutting towards you, you can have an inner smile that you're doing just fine and you don't need to be offended or upset by her stupid remarks. It also helps you preserve your relationship with her, by not rising to the bait each time (maybe just minimise what she says and play a little game each time):

DM - your clothes are plain, but that's because you have a dull life so why buy anything dressy.

@55j5 - well, funnily enough I noticed a lovely dressy skirt when I went out with a friend recently, so I'm going to treat myself, so I can wear it for the work event coming up. Thanks for reminding me to make an effort - it was just the nudge I needed!

DM - Theres absolutely no point you bothering to ask your university tutor for a reference, she won't have a clue who you are.

@55j5 - well you'll be pleased to know she has sent me a glowing reference because of my dissertation which she said was one of the best she had seen in my year group. Were getting together for a coffee and a catch up the week after next.

in other words whenever she says something negative, turn it around into a positive - without saying as much, you're telling her she doesn't know what the hell she is talking about!

also try not to disclose everything going on in your adult life nowadays - keep a degree of mystique and protect yourself from her being able to take (undeserved) pot-shots at you.