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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think these small comments from my Mum are actually quite mean?

82 replies

55j5 · 01/09/2024 16:26

My Mum is someone who comes across as so lovely, but sometimes she says things that I find really cutting and painful, even though they are small comments. For example, I went shopping with her and when we went for some food I was talking about the clothes I had just bought and saying how I really liked them, and she replied 'But it's not like you have anywhere to wear them as you never go out'. They were just casual clothes; I admit I have quite a small life, but they are just basic everyday clothes.

Another example is she is constantly gushing to me about my friends or her friends' daughters who are around my age. She is never positive about anyone else in the same way, only other women around my age. She will talk about how slim and gorgeous they are, or how bubbly and fun they are to be around, or how much money they make. It is completely over the top.

She also gives off the impression that I am just an unlikeable and easily forgettable person. An example is I was mentioning I was going to an old workplace of mine, and she said that my old colleagues wouldn't recognise or remember me as they didn't know me, even though I worked there for 2 years and it had been less than a year since I had left. When I emailed my university tutor for a reference, she said she would have forgotten who I was - she had been my tutor for 4 years at that point, and I had had weekly 1:1 meetings with her for months when she supervised my dissertation, and I had only graduated a few months beforehand. If anyone does anything nice for me, she implies it's because they feel sorry for me, or they have some underlying motive for doing so.

AIBU to think these kind of comments are said intentionally to be mean?

OP posts:
chattyness · 05/09/2024 08:31

This reminds me of my mum too OP and I had 2 older sisters that she never did it to, I was a constant disappointment to her even though I was happy in my life, even my cousins who were similar to me were (according to her) better doing more being more (they weren't, but even if they were so what ?) If we all had the same pair of shoes theirs would look better on them etc silly stuff like that you know? She talked down about me to the extended family the whole time and when my first marriage broke up even though she didn't know the cause, I must have to blame and to quote her : "I've started smoking again because of you" I went NC 30 years ago and it was the best thing for my sanity that I ever did

PoliteOtter · 05/09/2024 08:31

Northernladdette · 05/09/2024 07:39

Tell her how she makes you feel ….

If it was my DM, there would be zero point as she’d just get offended and make it all about her.

IsawwhatIsaw · 05/09/2024 08:48

My mother was like this. Endless criticism , not interested in my life, so I stopped sharing most of it. She died recently and I’m clearing her papers-wish I hadn’t read some of them because her thoughts are not nice to read.

Catandsquirrel · 05/09/2024 08:59

PoliteOtter · 05/09/2024 08:31

If it was my DM, there would be zero point as she’d just get offended and make it all about her.

Same here. I can tell you from experience

Chocolatebunny61 · 05/09/2024 09:19

I sympathise as my mum was exactly the same. My Dad wanted boys to carry on the family name and when I was born it was ‘never mind we will have a boy next time’ so my younger brothers have always been favoured over me. When my husband and I split up after 33yrs of marriage instead of sympathy all I got was ‘why did you let yourself go?’ - I might add that I’d just got over having both knees replaced after not been able to walk for many years which had caused the split. She died at the end of last year aged 95 and I’m sorry to say I don’t miss her at all.

caringcarer · 05/09/2024 09:22

Your Mum is supposed to be your biggest supporter not tare you down. I'd go lower contact with her. Maybe she'll appreciate yh ou more if she sees you less. Stop telling her stuff about your life.

IsawwhatIsaw · 06/09/2024 08:55

It’s sad because the relationship becomes distant . You can’t confide or share confidences

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