To think these small comments from my Mum are actually quite mean?

[55j5]

My Mum is someone who comes across as so lovely, but sometimes she says things that I find really cutting and painful, even though they are small comments. For example, I went shopping with her and when we went for some food I was talking about the clothes I had just bought and saying how I really liked them, and she replied 'But it's not like you have anywhere to wear them as you never go out'. They were just casual clothes; I admit I have quite a small life, but they are just basic everyday clothes.

Another example is she is constantly gushing to me about my friends or her friends' daughters who are around my age. She is never positive about anyone else in the same way, only other women around my age. She will talk about how slim and gorgeous they are, or how bubbly and fun they are to be around, or how much money they make. It is completely over the top.

She also gives off the impression that I am just an unlikeable and easily forgettable person. An example is I was mentioning I was going to an old workplace of mine, and she said that my old colleagues wouldn't recognise or remember me as they didn't know me, even though I worked there for 2 years and it had been less than a year since I had left. When I emailed my university tutor for a reference, she said she would have forgotten who I was - she had been my tutor for 4 years at that point, and I had had weekly 1:1 meetings with her for months when she supervised my dissertation, and I had only graduated a few months beforehand. If anyone does anything nice for me, she implies it's because they feel sorry for me, or they have some underlying motive for doing so.

AIBU to think these kind of comments are said intentionally to be mean?

I feel for you OP, you could have been describing my own mother in your post. It's utterly draining and knocks your confidence.

When I met my partner, she hated that he thought I was amazing and would say terrible things, it was as if she felt she had to knock me even more because someone else thought I was worth something.

I remember breaking down once because she'd made me feel so down. She had the cheek to say 'this is typical you, you've never had any confidence'. 🙄 Actually I felt perfectly fine, but for her being a bitch.

She was very unhappy with her own life which I think played a big part in it. I actually went NC with her (lots of other reasons too) and had therapy to deal with the impact she'd had on my self esteem.

💐

I think you are right. They are deliberate put downs. And probably your mum is jealous of the life and opportunities you have, the number of friends and supporters you have.

Mine is/was similar. I withdrew a lot. Refused to acknowledge or comment back. She is 89 and the comments continue. Often criticisms of my parenting. She has 2 children - 1 of each sex. I (f) am not the golden child. She clearly prefers my male sibling but they do not have a great relationship. He does more for her now than I do - but he doesnt work, have a home to care for, relationship, friends. children, pets or a garden. I do/did! He needs the inheritance for his retirement years. I don't. So can be much more willing to step back if the pressure and comments become too much.

I throw my mum little tidbits occasionally. Took her to a concert recently, out for lunch for DGC's birthday, take her to appts. So we are not NC, but I move to LC quite often. And I refuse to be her social secretary or taxi firm. So boundaries which will get opposed are very impt for your mental health.

Read this one again - it really is fabulous

It's absolutely, jealousy, of their younger , attractive, intelligent and successful daughters.
It's narcissistic- and completely demoralising for the daughters.
Call them out on it every time.
Low contact and tell them nothing
It's short sighted of them and they lose out big time

@allatseawiththis omg the “have you given up” thing. I thought my mum was the only one who does this. Wtf is that about.

Definitely consider not telling her too much about your life or what to get up to. It all ends up as ammunition.
I echo the pp who mentioned to watch out for daughters in this scenario, if they can’t get a source out of you they will go after someone else!

Mins’s the same. She’s 89 now and still throws in something about my hair/ weight/ clothes nearly every time I see her. I have withdrawn emotionally almost totally, but it still makes me feel sad, both for me and ultimately for her, because I can see the unhappiness behind it.
When she’s dead I’m going to have a shit ton of therapy.

Mine lost me now she has lost her only 2 grandchildren ( she criticised my daughter to her face when she was 5 luckily she didn’t understand it ) she doesn’t seem to have ever noticed

Interesting- I think my DM does this with me and my sister.

Well done everyone for recognising it for what it is- and running for the hills.

That's horrible. It does sound like negging. I'd see it as her subtly putting you down so you should be more like she thinks you should be (slightly glamorous social butterfly?).

I just don't have much sympathy for people who can't get behind their own kids. We should all aspire to be parents who celebrate their kids being the individuals they themselves want to be. We choose our own paths and should support our kids to choose theirs.

I keep coming back to this post - I’m so glad that your gran actually said this to you.

In my family, we’re expected to keep the secret of my mum’s awful behaviour. I was speaking to my gran (mum’s mum) about it a few weeks ago and she asked if DH’s family knew what mum was like. I said something along the lines of ‘a bit, but not entirely’, to which my gran replied ‘good’. 🤨

Omg, this is perfect!! Slightly hypocritical, BUT perfect nonetheless!

At a family wedding my mum said 'doesn't 123 look stunning?,I mean you looked nice at your wedding, but not stunning like 123 does' and just walked off like it was a normal comment to make. Nearly 10 years on it still goes round in my head.

Ditto.

Give Jefferson Fisher a follow on instagram. He gives you perfect responses to say to comments like these. She obviously has a chip on her shoulder about something x

Mine is like this but with mine I don't actually think it is jealousy. She is very insecure and talks to herself unkindly. Things she wouldn't say to anyone else - except me. I actually think it's that she sees me as an extension of herself like we are the same and so she talks to me like she would talk to herself.

She's always been obsessed with appearance and the only time I've seen her really proud of me was when I dramatically lost weight, even when I confessed to her I had starved myself. With everything else - jobs, graduating etc her reactions have always been very muted. I'm obese now to her horror.

Her own mother did it to her and I think that was definitely jealousy. I think she was a narcissist and would often be unkind to me too and my mum would never stick up for me.

Mine was the same about weight - my sister lost loads of weight quite suddenly due to being very ill, aged maybe 11-12 or so, and mum’s only comment was how good she looked because she was thinner 😔

I think you’re onto something with the ‘seeing daughters as extensions of themselves’ things, and also with the intergenerational trauma that’s maybe passed down female lines especially.

OP, I hope you’re OK and that it’s reassuring in some way to know you’re not alone in having a difficult mum x

My mum does this too. Her internalised misogyny is one of the root causes, I think. I ignored it for years but I have really pulled back in the last 6 months or so. I have gone into perimenopause and made a comment about it, and she was so dismissive and mean. This is despite having a torrid time during her own menopause. No understanding at all.

Speaking of menopause, here's weird thing:
My mother has been desperate for me to get old since i got out of my teens! She herself sank into 'the aged parent' role very young. She didn't work after 30 when she had me (only child) She took no exercise, wouldn't travel, hardly any friends - just settled for being a typical 50s housewife - except it was the 80s/90s - shuffling about as if she was in her 80s.

She started giving me bits cut out of My Weekly about the menopause when my first DC was about a year old. I was 23 !!

If i was ever poorly she'd gleefully say things like ''oooooh it might be menopause! You are getting older!!'' I mean it was bloody weird ...

I went on to have 2 more kids before i was 30 but she pushed on with the menopause narrative right through that decade. She went quiet about it when i remarried and had a 4th DC in my early 40s. She's not mentioned menopause since actually. Thank god. I think she's finally given up (I still have reg periods and i'm mid 50s, i think my body is refusing to stop on principal now)

Sorry for the ramble it was good to get that off my chest 😊

Do you think she went through early menopause and was kind of hoping you would too?

@LivingDeadGirlUK Well i think she went through meno in her early 40s, so not wildly early. But she did take 5 years to fall for me and didn't have any other DCs so perhaps had some other issues.

I would have more sympathy if it was the only weird thing she did (although why would you wish an early meno on your daughter i do not know) but she was just difficult and bitter about anything i did which was different to her or the way she did things. Loads of stuff. Everything. But the fact i had four DCs (married and planned) - she was always very cats bum face about.

I'm sorry to hear that Laiste, I was just pondering as menopause wasn't really something talked about a lot in the past so maybe she went through it early and was a bit jealous you hadn't, but early 40s isn't hugely early. Some people are just horrid though.

Oh god, the bloody "slim" comment. Blah blah's daughter is so slim! Well, yes, but I happen to know she is also miserable and I'm only a size 12 with a very nice life, so...

Tell her how she makes you feel ….