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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end the friendship with toxic person... but how?

60 replies

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:22

First time poster. Been friends with 'Jill' for nearly 5 years. Our DDs became good friends. Her marriage ended, then mine, we became close supporting each other through this.

However, and I don't want to get into too much depth due to fear of exposure and the fact it'd be a novel, the last year my eyes have been opened to who she really is.

A user, taking what she wants from people while they're useful, speaking badly behind their backs. A liar, I truly believe she is a pathological liar.... Needless lies ranging up to huge things. She cheated numerous times on ex husband and the finance she got 4 years ago, which I kept secret. A financial mess, always living beyond her means and I pickup the pieces to the point i housed her for a while, regularly lent money i had to beg for back. The things she has done to me on my darkest days, well I cannot believe I put up with them, but i always walked away feeling like it was me or my fault - she is incredibly manipulatative. This past year, she lost a lot of friends due to her cheating ways coming out. Now she is desperate for friends, sh is all over me. And her DD? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. DDs are not friends anymore.

I want to get away from her, but I don't want to shouting and drama. I know if I was honest and told her what a vile person she is, it would be a huge mess. She also knows very personal things about me that would all be spread over social media. When everyone who ended friendships with her this past year, she's spread horrible lies about them.

How do i end this? Help

OP posts:
probster · 01/09/2024 14:23

how often do you see her?

i wouldn’t want to be within a 5 mile radius of her let alone around my children

EVHead · 01/09/2024 14:24

How do you communicate? In person or via text/messaging?

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:25

probster · 01/09/2024 14:23

how often do you see her?

i wouldn’t want to be within a 5 mile radius of her let alone around my children

We live in a very small community not in England. It's not possible to get away or move, it wouldn't solve the issue sadly

OP posts:
LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:26

EVHead · 01/09/2024 14:24

How do you communicate? In person or via text/messaging?

Via text. Every week or so I'm now getting texts asking how I am and requesting to meet. I'm replying briefly so as not to rock the boat, but swerving questions about meeting

OP posts:
probster · 01/09/2024 14:29

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:26

Via text. Every week or so I'm now getting texts asking how I am and requesting to meet. I'm replying briefly so as not to rock the boat, but swerving questions about meeting

do you work?

probster · 01/09/2024 14:30

there doesn’t need to be drama

if you are calm, considered and don’t respond to messages after you tell her that best to draw friendship to a close

and leave at that

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 14:31

Being busy is far too subtle. “We are not friends. Please don’t contact me again. I’m blocking your number.”
Easy. That can’t possibly be misinterpreted.

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:34

probster · 01/09/2024 14:29

do you work?

Yes, I have a good job happily

OP posts:
probster · 01/09/2024 14:36

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:34

Yes, I have a good job happily

so….

you’re busy
you have children

realistically how often could you get together with her socially?

in any event, for drama to be sustained it requires both parties to be fanning the flames.

Dont fan the flames and it will fizzle out in time

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:36

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 14:31

Being busy is far too subtle. “We are not friends. Please don’t contact me again. I’m blocking your number.”
Easy. That can’t possibly be misinterpreted.

I suppose I'm scared about what she will say about me to other people. I think this is the hold she has over me.

OP posts:
probster · 01/09/2024 14:37

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:36

I suppose I'm scared about what she will say about me to other people. I think this is the hold she has over me.

huh?

from what you say in your OP - no one has anything to do with her apart from you?

what does she know about you that you’re worried about?!

probster · 01/09/2024 14:38

This past year, she lost a lot of friends due to her cheating ways coming out. Now she is desperate for friends, sh is all over me.

and you think these ex friends of her would believe her?

MidYearDiary · 01/09/2024 14:39

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:36

I suppose I'm scared about what she will say about me to other people. I think this is the hold she has over me.

But from what you say (a) she's already said them and (b) she's widely known as a dreadful individual, so it's not as if her character assassination of you is going to credible to anyone who knows her.

Also, surely, unless she's fairly thick, she's well aware that you are privy to a lot of confidential information about her that could make her look bad, should you choose to disclose it?

Stainglasses · 01/09/2024 14:39

Just be too busy to meet. I wouldn’t do anything other than say that. Things die out if they don’t get oxygen

Attheendoftheday86 · 01/09/2024 14:40

I think you're only other option then is to keep replies to a minimum and be really flakey.
Distant and flakey. It will take longer for her to get the message than telling her how you feel but I imagine less drama.

xsquared · 01/09/2024 14:42

Manipulative and toxic people like her are very difficult to end relationships with, without there being some sort of drama afterwards.

She will inevitably spread lies like you as you are aware. People like her will always act the victim. If she doesn't have many friends already amd she's already done the SM smear campaign, then most people will spot her behaviour pattern and realise it's her and not you.

Make yourself less available, and that you don't really have anything in common.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 01/09/2024 14:42

If people already consider her a liar, does she have proof of any of your secrets? Could you just deny anything she says? You can't live with people holding stuff over you.

kitchendiscotime · 01/09/2024 14:45

Tell her you're gay and have feelings for her so you need to keep your distance in order to get over her?

Tell her you've found Jesus and enthusiastically quote the Bible at her in every message and conversation?

Tell her you've got a second job to boost your finances and will be working from home every evening?

I'm joking re the above but really this is why people employ the "phase out". Take a long time to reply to each message, always be too busy to meet up, try and avoid her. It's passive aggressive but avoids an awkward showdown.

Lifestooshort71 · 01/09/2024 14:45

I can see that you're bothered about what she might say, so, if you don't want to go for a clean break, you'll need to go for the slow one. Take longer and longer to reply, be uninterested in her news and don't turn texts into a conversation. Gradually withdraw until you're not offering her anything and eventually the contact will wither. Avoid places where you might bump into her (you live fairly close in a small town?) but try not to let it rule your life. If the above doesn't work, go for the quick break and keep your head down!

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:46

probster · 01/09/2024 14:37

huh?

from what you say in your OP - no one has anything to do with her apart from you?

what does she know about you that you’re worried about?!

There are still a couple of aquintances, but the issue is new boyfriend has gotten to be good friends with my ex husband, who I am very amicable with. They all hang out. Sorry, that's probably quite relevant and I should've mentioned. On that aspect, it was like the final straw, a betrayal almost.

OP posts:
Yvawn · 01/09/2024 14:46

Distant and flaky is a good idea. Let the relationship dwindle away quietly.
You could also say you need a holiday but ca'nt afford it ... and ask to borrow a substantial sum of money from her. With any luck she will go quiet on you.

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:48

kitchendiscotime · 01/09/2024 14:45

Tell her you're gay and have feelings for her so you need to keep your distance in order to get over her?

Tell her you've found Jesus and enthusiastically quote the Bible at her in every message and conversation?

Tell her you've got a second job to boost your finances and will be working from home every evening?

I'm joking re the above but really this is why people employ the "phase out". Take a long time to reply to each message, always be too busy to meet up, try and avoid her. It's passive aggressive but avoids an awkward showdown.

Haha thank you for making me laugh. Ps sorry everyone for quoting on replies, no idea how to use this platform yet 😉

OP posts:
CormorantStrikesBack · 01/09/2024 14:49

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:36

I suppose I'm scared about what she will say about me to other people. I think this is the hold she has over me.

But she’s a pathological liar so can’t you just deny it? 😁

id just slowly withdraw, be busy, make excuses, don’t reply for a few days. If she calls you out on it tell her “it’s not you it’s me, I’m struggling with mental health and need time on my own”. She’ll get bored.

Itabsolutelyispossible · 01/09/2024 14:59

You are just so, so busy. Too busy to meet, unfortunately. Can't find time to reply to texts promptly.

Tis a pity, but that's life.

LaaLaaLady · 01/09/2024 14:59

CormorantStrikesBack · 01/09/2024 14:49

But she’s a pathological liar so can’t you just deny it? 😁

id just slowly withdraw, be busy, make excuses, don’t reply for a few days. If she calls you out on it tell her “it’s not you it’s me, I’m struggling with mental health and need time on my own”. She’ll get bored.

I believe she is, but does anyone else see it? I don't know. And she is always the victim, everyone else is the problem. Its so manipulative, and can be hard to see through. We were all scattered friends / acquaintances too, had this blown up in a close group, I'm sure it would've been clear for all to see.

OP posts: