To end the friendship with toxic person... but how?

[LaaLaaLady]

First time poster. Been friends with 'Jill' for nearly 5 years. Our DDs became good friends. Her marriage ended, then mine, we became close supporting each other through this.

However, and I don't want to get into too much depth due to fear of exposure and the fact it'd be a novel, the last year my eyes have been opened to who she really is.

A user, taking what she wants from people while they're useful, speaking badly behind their backs. A liar, I truly believe she is a pathological liar.... Needless lies ranging up to huge things. She cheated numerous times on ex husband and the finance she got 4 years ago, which I kept secret. A financial mess, always living beyond her means and I pickup the pieces to the point i housed her for a while, regularly lent money i had to beg for back. The things she has done to me on my darkest days, well I cannot believe I put up with them, but i always walked away feeling like it was me or my fault - she is incredibly manipulatative. This past year, she lost a lot of friends due to her cheating ways coming out. Now she is desperate for friends, sh is all over me. And her DD? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. DDs are not friends anymore.

I want to get away from her, but I don't want to shouting and drama. I know if I was honest and told her what a vile person she is, it would be a huge mess. She also knows very personal things about me that would all be spread over social media. When everyone who ended friendships with her this past year, she's spread horrible lies about them.

How do i end this? Help

so….
you think your ex husband who you get on well with will bend to the news that a new boyfriend of a weird “friend” of yours tells him he’s heard?

I believe she is, but does anyone else see it? I don't know.

you say she’s lots loads of friends in your op!

you work
you’re a single parent

how often do you get together with her?

I'd blame the breakdown of the childrens relationship for not meeting up and wait for her to stop asking.

If she lies and badmouths people then she’s doing that about you already. Pandering to her won’t stop that

She had a lot of mates and acquaintances, a lot left last year (taking the wronged fiancé's side), another couple she has managed to befriend again. There are some straglers now but as I'm quite reliable, have lent money, our kids were friends, I suppose I'm good to keep around.

I had considered that too x

If she cheated on her fiance four years ago, how come it's only just come out?

If she's lost all her friends, who is she going to tell your secrets to? How bad are they? Why will anyone care?

Tell her she's a liar and you're done with it. Toughen up.

how often do you get together with her?!

so if she still has lots of friends… then weird she’s so desperate

maybe you think she’s desperate to keep you in her life but once you stop loaning money…. i suspect you won’t hear from her

this is small community
where’s she’s lost loads of friends
but also managed to keep and start new ones

it doesn’t sound like that small a community op

Priority number one: you have to stop caring about what she does or what she might say about you. I mean, who actually gives a shit? Gossipy people generally have empty lives and mince for brains.

Perhaps one final text along the lines of "I need to step back from our friendship. I wish you every happiness in your life. Best wishes, LaaLaaLady."

Then block her.

Let your silence speak volumes. No responses. No denials, justifications or explanations.

Life's too short for putting up with arseholes.

Sorry I'm trying not to out myself. We live on an island, we are both expats. It's a small island but decent population. We all work in similar industry therefore many can know each other via that route. Like you can say a name to me and I might know 'oh he works at xyz company, right?'

Thank you, that's actually a nice line to put.

and so if she’s lost many friends for appalling behaviour then limited impact if she spread stuff

@probster yes you might be quite right. I know I'm overthrowing and possibly over worrying. I'm just aware she has tarnished other people's reputations, things I believed at the time and now know are lies and I'm worried she will do the same to me. Since our children all go to same schools, ofc I don't want anything to affect them.

If your children are no longer friends, what does it matter?

This thread is really confusing.

' I'm not in the mood for meeting up at the moment. I'll contact you when/if I get my mojo back. Hope all is well on your side.'

Sorry its confusing but I'm trying to not be too specific with detail as I know she uses the platform.

It does matter as its two-fold. One I don't want shit back at me, however I could mentally deal with that. Two, I don't want my children being involved in any mess, they're kids, they don't need to get hell off the back of any lies she spreads. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Hi X
Im going to take a break from our relationship. Finding it exhausting to recover from all the drama in your life and I need to save my energy to protect my own mental health.

As for your ex and her new boyfriend... you can't control what others do. But you can control what YOU say and do.

this “community” sounds fucking awful

If she's a shit-stirring liar who has peddled crap about a load of people - and subsequently lost friends for it - nobody is going to give a toss about what she says about you. If you're amicable with your ex-husband, I'd also possibly have a quiet word with him about the friendship. If your daughters aren't friends anymore, this is also a strong reason to heavily cut back on the 'friendship'.

Small island mentality. I appreciate your comments and advise 🙂

get off it op
sounds hellish

I am... not soon enough though

in that case

style it out

you’re off soon (does your ex know?)