To end the friendship with toxic person... but how?

[LaaLaaLady]

First time poster. Been friends with 'Jill' for nearly 5 years. Our DDs became good friends. Her marriage ended, then mine, we became close supporting each other through this.

However, and I don't want to get into too much depth due to fear of exposure and the fact it'd be a novel, the last year my eyes have been opened to who she really is.

A user, taking what she wants from people while they're useful, speaking badly behind their backs. A liar, I truly believe she is a pathological liar.... Needless lies ranging up to huge things. She cheated numerous times on ex husband and the finance she got 4 years ago, which I kept secret. A financial mess, always living beyond her means and I pickup the pieces to the point i housed her for a while, regularly lent money i had to beg for back. The things she has done to me on my darkest days, well I cannot believe I put up with them, but i always walked away feeling like it was me or my fault - she is incredibly manipulatative. This past year, she lost a lot of friends due to her cheating ways coming out. Now she is desperate for friends, sh is all over me. And her DD? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. DDs are not friends anymore.

I want to get away from her, but I don't want to shouting and drama. I know if I was honest and told her what a vile person she is, it would be a huge mess. She also knows very personal things about me that would all be spread over social media. When everyone who ended friendships with her this past year, she's spread horrible lies about them.

How do i end this? Help

Yes, we are all ready to leave and will relocate together but not as a couple.

so op

im sort of failing to see the big issue

you work, single parent presumably very busy
she’s made loads of enemies
you’re worried about her spreading stuff
most won’t take seriously
those the do…. 🤷
talk to your ex about any shit that might come flying out of her mouth
and you’re leaving so really… why do you care what anyone in this hellish sounding community (cult!) thinks

With these type of people you just have to assume that those who know you well won't believe it, those who do believe it aren't worth anything to you anyway.

I've had a couple of instances where I've been bad mouthed by people when I've cut them off, my real friends have stuck by me and anyone else can fuck off quite frankly! It's very liberating to realise you don't care what other people think of you!

Maybe it's just how I am, I don't want to be friends with everyone but I also don't want people I know/know of seeing me badly. I don't want the kids affected. I also don't want people in my industry hearing negative things about me.

Also, we're leaving in a year, as that's how long it'll take me to save to come home... rents, deposit, furniture and all those bits. I know I can't avoid some kind of conversation with her for a whole year!

I think I'll do what some others have suggested and use the line about the kids no longer being friends and that's awkward. If it escalates, I'll also say how hard I've found it with all the issues over past year and that it's no longer something I'd like to be involved in.

I get that, totally, but I’d hope that the amount of people she’s done that to would be enough for folk to realise it’s her. It’s not that easy though. I know this would be a lie but I’d say I was feeling depressed, I was taking new anti depressants and I was feeling pretty bad on them right now. Then try and grey rock her. Might not be honest but it’s what I’d try because I understand when you’ve told folk stuff and it’s terrifying. I hate thinking about people going through stuff like this.

This!

No need for drama, no need for anything to be said. If she texts just say you are just swamped at the moment with work, kids, etc that you don’t have a moment to yourself.

Unless you met up weekly, surely it’s fairly easy to avoid getting together.

She sounds like an absolute nightmare in general but it’s the fact that you always come away feeling like you’re in the wrong that makes her a truly ‘toxic friend’.
Not a friend, but I have a relative like this and in the end I had to stop all contact for my own well being and that of my other family members. It wasn’t particularly pleasant at the time but once it was all over I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I initially feared that she’d gossip and spread lies about me but a good friend who had been supporting me said listen, people aren’t stupid. Everyone will be fully aware of the kind of person she is and will take anything she says with a pinch of salt. She can be very charming and people fall in love with her the moment they meet her but as my friend said, people aren’t daft and it never takes long for them to catch on to what a person is really like. The sooner you get this person out of your life the better. I can understand you wanting to avoid a confrontation if you think she might turn nasty and although I don’t think ghosting someone is necessarily the right thing to do under normal circumstances, I don’t think she deserves any better. Do you think that she’d get the hint if you just started avoiding her and not replying to her texts? X

Oh I'm sorry that happened to you, must be so much harder with a family member. You hit the nail on the head re. Charm. The word I'd thought of using was 'magnetic'. Masks fall I guess.

Everyone has made me think clearer.. what if she does say stuff, whether that be lies or character assassination? It's not the end of the world, and I'd like to think people who know me would see through it.

Agree with a PP, ask her for a large loan.

The fact she has spread horrible lies about people who have broke off friendships with her works in your favour. People will see she has for. For lying / causing drama / talking shit and just assume it’s more of the same. They won’t know what’s true and what isn’t.

I would just withdraw and ghost her, leave longer between texts, don’t respond to requests to meet. You could just directly and without a big fall out say the friendship isn’t working for you anymore and leave it at that.