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Original poster

Manager’s behaviour

52 replies

jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 09:37

Hi,
Advice appreciated. My manager has been having an affair with his manager for 2 years. Both married. During this time I had strong suspicions of course. There were many meetings when my manager asked me to step into meetings last minute, or cover for him - I now know this was because he was going to see her (and suspected at the time).

He has recently told me about the affair as they have split up and he is devastated. Since telling me, the boundaries of our relationship have really blurred - he is constantly messaging me and leaning on me for support. I am trying to be supportive but I know more about him and his personal life than I do some of closest friends. He seems to have no issues telling me anything about his sex life and I’ll be honest I have felt very uncomfortable with the number of messages and the content.

There is more. Because of the conflict of interest between him and his boss (ie the affair) he was moved to a new position. This position would have been a promotion for me and was a role I was told I was in line for and have worked very hard for. He explained to me that because of the affair the MD had moved him. He showed no sympathy for me in this situation. Of course the MD cannot admit this to me as I could complain.

in addition to all this I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in 2 years. My manager is so caught up in his own situation he has shown little understanding of mine.

I feel lied to, unfairly treated, deceived. I have just told him to back off and I have signed myself sick from work (I am about to start cancer treatment anyway) but I have explained to the MD that actually the situation at work has been very draining and upsetting.

I am really worried about whether I have done the right thing.

OP posts:
StolenChanel · 01/09/2024 09:40

This is awful. I’m so sorry I have no advice to give; I would likely have handled it in just the way you have. Protect your peace and focus on your health. Wishing you all the best.

liverpudcounsel · 01/09/2024 09:41

Very sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Golden rule of the work place, stay out of office politics.

He’s been having an affair with his boss, it happens and it’s not your problem. Stay neutral stay out of it and look after yourself.

Saintmariesleuth · 01/09/2024 09:42

I'm really sorry, this sounds like an awful situation.

I'm sure it's easier said than done, but is there any way you can look in to a transfer to another department? At least to get away from your manager.

A new job in a new place sounds like the best option, but I absolutely understand that it's a risky time for you to move jobs.

Is the manager still messaging you whilst you're signed off sick?

WigglyVonWaggly · 01/09/2024 09:44

Yes, you have. His unprofessionalism has cost you a promotion. He’s been given something you worked hard for simply to address a conflict of interest he created himself. And he’s selfish and self-absorbed. YANBU.

TemuSpecialBuy · 01/09/2024 09:44

this is beyond nuts…

Honestly go to HR ( or if you feel you can’t) possibly an employment lawyer for guidance and. I’d ask about recourse regarding the promotion

you have cancer for gods sake… you don’t need their self inflicted teen drama

probster · 01/09/2024 09:45

Can you “sign yourself off sick”?

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 09:47

You need to speak to MD with HR involved. You have receipts. This needs resolution asap.

Evaka · 01/09/2024 09:49

Oh you poor thing OP. What a shower of shitheads. Absolutely prioritise your health for now. You were right to tell the MD of the impact it's had. Best wishes for your treatment x

Greydays3 · 01/09/2024 09:49

Contact ACAS for advice.
Keep all those texts.
Get advice.
Tell your doctor what has happened and have it noted.
Hope your treatment is successful.
Your boss is a tool.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 10:04

Thank you so much for the replies. As I wrote this all down it absolutely cemented how crazy this weird situation is. I didn’t ask to have anything to do with it and during the two years of it being secret, would never have dreamed of doing anything other than ignoring it. I’m not one for making a fuss or judging. But now I feel I’ve been dragged into it.

The big grievance for me is the job. I really worked for that role and had been told it was the natural next step for me.

OP posts:
Greydays3 · 01/09/2024 10:28

Then you need to fight for the job and not accept this.
ACCAS and employment legal advice.

StormingNorman · 01/09/2024 10:47

OP, gently, telling you the role was a natural progression doesn’t make it your role. Also, if the role was vacant to be filled and hadn’t been given to you, you aren’t ready for it yet.

You may have a (weak) claim if the progression was documented in appraisals etc.

It is really shitty when these things happen but don’t waste your money on a lawyer.

Put your energy into your health and your treatment.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 10:50

StormingNorman · 01/09/2024 10:47

OP, gently, telling you the role was a natural progression doesn’t make it your role. Also, if the role was vacant to be filled and hadn’t been given to you, you aren’t ready for it yet.

You may have a (weak) claim if the progression was documented in appraisals etc.

It is really shitty when these things happen but don’t waste your money on a lawyer.

Put your energy into your health and your treatment.

The role wasn’t vacant. Basically it is a new role that was created. I was told I would fill this role but instead he was moved into it.

Appreciate your point tho, yes.

OP posts:
Grumpy12345 · 01/09/2024 10:59

jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 10:50

The role wasn’t vacant. Basically it is a new role that was created. I was told I would fill this role but instead he was moved into it.

Appreciate your point tho, yes.

Show quote history

Surely that means his old role is now vacant and you could apply for that instead?

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 11:01

Yep you’re right, I could. But it’s not the role I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 11:06

I will now be taking sick leave from work. I have mentioned to the MD that I need space from work to focus on my health, and that part of this is the situation at work which has been draining and stressful.

The MD has asked if I would like to meet and talk this through before I leave. I am in two minds on whether I just leave this now and see what happens when I return to work, or whether I explain my side of the events.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 01/09/2024 11:10

jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 10:50

The role wasn’t vacant. Basically it is a new role that was created. I was told I would fill this role but instead he was moved into it.

Appreciate your point tho, yes.

Show quote history

But they didn’t create it for you did they? That indicates you weren’t ready for it just yet.

The timing is awful and it sucks for you, but they haven’t done anything wrong.

It would be very easy to demonstrate a business case for the role being put into the structure now and why they couldn’t wait for you to be ready to fill the position.

Honestly, there be lots of posters who are indignant on your behalf but the moral ambiguity here doesn’t equate to a breach of employment law. It’s shit but it’s not illegal.

Don’t waste your time, energy and money on this when you need to focus on your treatment. You have a weak case at best and once you go down this route with your employer, your name will be mud.

TemuSpecialBuy · 01/09/2024 11:12

jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 11:06

I will now be taking sick leave from work. I have mentioned to the MD that I need space from work to focus on my health, and that part of this is the situation at work which has been draining and stressful.

The MD has asked if I would like to meet and talk this through before I leave. I am in two minds on whether I just leave this now and see what happens when I return to work, or whether I explain my side of the events.

Hmmm
thinking about this from a “you” point of view, what do you want out of this….like what is your best possible scenario?

because depending on that a direct convo with the MD might not be a bad idea.

if you weren’t ill I’d say sort
your CV and run but it does change things….
something like A generous / flexible working extended sick leave with Full pay followed by option to return into your old bosses new role / your promotion should it become available OR his role is made hybrid and you are given some (good) responsibilities from that role OR they make some other role for you to return into might be a good outcome.

whats possible will totally dependent on a tonne of factors we don’t know MDs personality, size of company, MDs power of remit vs the CFO

probster · 01/09/2024 11:25

How long going on sick leave?

and as for the new role… you were told you’d get it, presumably decision makers had second thoughts and went with someone else. That is not his fault. Indeed it’s no one’s fault

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 11:47

probster · 01/09/2024 11:25

How long going on sick leave?

and as for the new role… you were told you’d get it, presumably decision makers had second thoughts and went with someone else. That is not his fault. Indeed it’s no one’s fault

Chemo will be 4 months. Last time I had chemo I worked throughout. This time I’m going to take at least a month and then will see how I feel.

yes you are completely right, he didn’t ask to be put into that job and it wasn’t his fault. The conflict of interest that resulted in him moving to that job was his fault though!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/09/2024 11:49

jellybeanJ · 01/09/2024 10:04

Thank you so much for the replies. As I wrote this all down it absolutely cemented how crazy this weird situation is. I didn’t ask to have anything to do with it and during the two years of it being secret, would never have dreamed of doing anything other than ignoring it. I’m not one for making a fuss or judging. But now I feel I’ve been dragged into it.

The big grievance for me is the job. I really worked for that role and had been told it was the natural next step for me.

Speak to ACAS

Scentsless · 01/09/2024 12:00

probster · 01/09/2024 09:45

Can you “sign yourself off sick”?

Not sure what you mean by this, but in most companies, you can self-certify for a week. After that, in view of the fact that OP has been diagnosed with cancer, I'm sure she would have no problem on getting a sick note from either her GP or her consultant for as long as she needs it.

I hope that your treatment goes well OP.

summerdress81 · 04/09/2024 08:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 04/10/2024 22:45

Following on from the above - I’ve come to realise that the messages my boss has sent me, which have detailed his sex life and personal information about his marriage and home life are probably the real issue here.

the language and content of his messages have made me uncomfortable. While on holiday with my family he also asked me to go to a festival with him.

I asked him to stop and there have been no other sexual messages although he still makes contact all the time.

thoughts on how to proceed?

OP posts:
lizzyBennet08 · 04/10/2024 23:57

Honestly op, your manager sounds weak and was guilty of oversharijg when his illicit relationship ended. I think you're jealous that he is being moved to a role that you woulld have liked to have been offered but o dislike the implication you're trying to make now..