Manager’s behaviour

[jellybeanJ]

Hi,
Advice appreciated. My manager has been having an affair with his manager for 2 years. Both married. During this time I had strong suspicions of course. There were many meetings when my manager asked me to step into meetings last minute, or cover for him - I now know this was because he was going to see her (and suspected at the time).

He has recently told me about the affair as they have split up and he is devastated. Since telling me, the boundaries of our relationship have really blurred - he is constantly messaging me and leaning on me for support. I am trying to be supportive but I know more about him and his personal life than I do some of closest friends. He seems to have no issues telling me anything about his sex life and I’ll be honest I have felt very uncomfortable with the number of messages and the content.

There is more. Because of the conflict of interest between him and his boss (ie the affair) he was moved to a new position. This position would have been a promotion for me and was a role I was told I was in line for and have worked very hard for. He explained to me that because of the affair the MD had moved him. He showed no sympathy for me in this situation. Of course the MD cannot admit this to me as I could complain.

in addition to all this I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in 2 years. My manager is so caught up in his own situation he has shown little understanding of mine.

I feel lied to, unfairly treated, deceived. I have just told him to back off and I have signed myself sick from work (I am about to start cancer treatment anyway) but I have explained to the MD that actually the situation at work has been very draining and upsetting.

I am really worried about whether I have done the right thing.

Sounds like he broke up with his side piece and immediately started trying to line you up as his next one.

His unwanted messages about his sex life are sexual harassment. No ifs ands or buts. Nobody should be talking about their sex life with their colleagues. He's crossed a boundary with you and youd be well within your rights to make a complaint about him.

I agree with YellowSundress, messaging about his sex life is sexual harassment. Are these messages on work email or to your personal contact (phone/email)?
I would tell the senior manager. They moved him once because he had an inappropriate relationship but he’s gone straight from that to being inappropriate with you. I’d save any communication from him and take it to the senior manager. Then I’d block him if it’s to your personal contacts, ignore if it’s work email.
Someone like this will move on to the next person as soon as they feel they’ve lost their audience.
Acas info on sexual harassment

Thank you for comments. I’m interested in as many opinions as possible before I speak to the MD next week (or not)

And yes messages are WhatsApp

I second this.

Hi OP. First, I am so sorry about your diagnosis, and wish you well in your chemo. I do think it is important you meet with the MD before you go off. And lay it on the line. This man has shown incredibly poor judgement - not once, but repeatedly. And it has all come down on you.

I’m past caring about the job actually. I’m just watching this entitled arrogant womaniser who feels he can brag about how many times he ‘f*ed’ his girlfriend to me, someone he manages, who he knows is going through health issues.

Im absolutely worried about the repercussions but why on earth would I protect this guy? He is toxic.

Messages:
’She told me she was leaving me. Then we f* three times.’
’She fancies me like f and I’m the best s she’s ever had.’
’ We kept a pack of pregnancy tests int he office and had a little celebration every time they were negative.’
’We were almost caught once by someone checking the printers.’
’I feel like you like the dark brooding type’
’Would you go to a festival with me or is this too weird?’

Here are some verbatim examples.
In literally clueless here. But what I do know is that these messages are unwelcome and make me feel very weird.

Ewwww . I would totally tell everything and show those messages. He is a fucking liability. And you should never have been put in a position like the one you are in.

I'd screenshot everything and email them to yourself as evidence because this has got HR written all over it.

I'm so sorry about your cancer diagnosis.

I hope your treatment is progressing well and not causing you too much discomfort. And I hope it will soon be showing positive results.

As to your manager, it's time to tell the MD all that has been going on. Including all of the messages you've been receiving (presumably while on sick leave). It's time he was shown the door for harassing you. He seems incapable of being professional.

Put your expected promotion to one side for the moment. This isn't about your role with the company and how you've been trodden on. It's about a shit manager who's harassing a subordinate while she's vulnerable.

You have given me strength. Thinking about fighting this while going through chemo is pretty scary.

If anyone does NOT think these messages are bad I’d like to hear. To me these are bad but I have never been in the situation before, and I really don’t know.

Opinions needed please!

All inappropriate.
Union or HR time

The messages are as bad as you think they are.

I'm a bit curious as to why you feel you need people to come on and convince you otherwise. I know it feels like it would be easier to have people tell you you're overreacting, but you know you're not, so all that will do is make you feel worse. Or maybe it's because of other people tell you you're wrong, you can give yourself permission to do nothing.

The conflict of interest also results from his own boss sleeping with someone junior to her when she is in a position of power. Ot is her that should bear the bring of blame for him being moved to a new role as the company did that to protect her. The fact remains that you have missed out.

I would do 2 things. Tell him you aren't interested in his situation of his own doing. Absolutely tell the MD that you are not happy that you have been sidelined due to other people's crap.

Here you say the affair was someone he manages.

The original post says he had an affair with his manager.

Hence my last reply saying they are pandering to him because he would have a potential harassment claim against someone who was in a position of power.

He is lining you up as his next shag. You really need to tell someone about this.

No, she's (OP) saying he's bragging to her (OP), WHO HE MANAGES, about the affair.

comes across as him lining you up next

DOH! yes thanks I totally misread.

Then back to my original advice.

He is being handled with kid gloves as he has a potential sexual harassment claim against the company and I would tell the MD its shit you are sidelined because his manager abused her position of power.

I would take the opportunity to speak to the MD and just lay the following out factually.

• you were made aware of the affair by your manager
• your manager has made you uncomfortable by talking about the affair in a manner that is not work place appropriate
• with your current health situation you are not able or willing to be a support to your manager as he gets over this 'heartbreak'
• You are disappointed with the decision to move manager to a role that you believe were being lined up for and ask if there is any feedback with your performance that allowed that decision to be made

Good luck!

Thanks for the replies.

the reason I’m seeking opinions is because I’m genuinely interested in whether others would also find these messages offensive. Honestly the last few months have been so weird on so many fronts, I’m not confident in myself and my reactions. BUT the messages definitely made me feel very uncomfortable. It has taken me a while to realise the impact this has had on me. I now struggle to talk about this without crying, which I think shows the impact.

to clarify, he has now stopped messaging about his sex life. I told him I was going to be on sick for a while and that I wasn’t emotionally able to support him. To be fair to him, he did stop. Although he does still message me, a lot, but not of this nature.

I think this is sexual harassment, especially given his position of responsibility. The texts you've shared are awful, and you shouldn't let anyone diminish this.

Your focus understandably needs to be on your health at the moment, but I absolutely would speak with the MD to explain what's happened and how it's affected you. Use the term sexual harassment so there's no room for doubt. Say you need a bit of space for your health, but also to consider your next steps.

They should, rightly, be scared of getting their arses hauled over the coals for unfair dismissal if you were to go down that route. If you actually want to leave with money to tide you over you might want to consider legal advice. I guess your MDs attitude will be key here.

What should happen is that he should be managed out, but whether or not that'll happen will depend on your company's dynamic.

Wishing you luck and strength.

Very offensive
You are no unreasonable
He sounds like a nasty arrogant twat
And I would absolutely show the md the messages and discuss your disappointment about the role

More importantly, I'm sorry for your diagnosis, and good luck with your treatment