How do you 'recover' from a row?

LetterGreen · 2024-09-01T05:59:54+00:00

I have a really negative personality flaw, in that I find it hard to let go of bad feelings after a row/upset with DH. Example, I spent effort and time baking a cake for him as he'd said he fancied cake, he had a slice, I asked "is it OK?" And he said "meh". I was hurt and felt zero appreciation. I told him that I was disappointed he didn't like it, and he said 'It's fine. I like 9/10 things you cook/make." I do 100% of all the cooking. He said sorry and reflected that maybe he could have been kinder, but I'm still upset. This turned into a bigger row because he told me I should let it go because he apologised. Is this my problem? Should I immediately let go of any upset when he says sorry?

Borninabarn32 · 01/09/2024 07:08

I think taking everything to heart as a personal attack isn't helping you.

He doesn't have to like everything you bake. Sometimes things don't turn out right, sometimes one person loves something that isn't to another's taste.

Is he supposed to lie and say everything is amazing beucase you can't handle a luke warm reception of something you've done? Do you really want your partner to treat you with kiddy gloves?

When I'm upset with DP or vice versa, he'll apologise for upsetting me, he'll give his side, I'll listen and try to understand, he's a good man, his side is usually just as fair as mine. Sometimes I still just feel abit shit, more so now I'm heavily pregnant, I'm pretty sensitive and needy right now I admit. But I don't treat him badly or sulk about it. Becuase I know he hasn't deliberately upset me. We make more effort to be close and affectionate, do something nice together. When I get over it I apologise for over reacting or just plain being wrong, he apologises again for making me feel that way and we move on.

He didn't really love a cake you made, he hasn't done anything wrong at all.

MassiveTit · 01/09/2024 07:08

Oh my goodness!! I am just talking about this on another thread and my tendency to catastrophise and for things to escalate. I feel so justified in my hurt and if the other person just cared they would try harder to make me feel better. Then two days later when things have completely fallen apart I feel awful. No advice but following for help!

LeontineFrance · 01/09/2024 07:11

Is the poor man not allowed an opinion? What would you have done if he had said he did not like it and was being honest? Talk about controlling.

Original poster

LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 07:15

Borninabarn32 · 01/09/2024 07:08

I think taking everything to heart as a personal attack isn't helping you.

He doesn't have to like everything you bake. Sometimes things don't turn out right, sometimes one person loves something that isn't to another's taste.

Is he supposed to lie and say everything is amazing beucase you can't handle a luke warm reception of something you've done? Do you really want your partner to treat you with kiddy gloves?

When I'm upset with DP or vice versa, he'll apologise for upsetting me, he'll give his side, I'll listen and try to understand, he's a good man, his side is usually just as fair as mine. Sometimes I still just feel abit shit, more so now I'm heavily pregnant, I'm pretty sensitive and needy right now I admit. But I don't treat him badly or sulk about it. Becuase I know he hasn't deliberately upset me. We make more effort to be close and affectionate, do something nice together. When I get over it I apologise for over reacting or just plain being wrong, he apologises again for making me feel that way and we move on.

He didn't really love a cake you made, he hasn't done anything wrong at all.

Thank you, this is really helpful!

I had a pretty awful upbringing and no normal/healthy modelled behaviour (alcoholism, drug abuse household) so I feel I'm having to learn to go against instinctive emotions I have.

This isn't an excuse though, I want to be a better partner.

OP posts:

Petesdragoness · 01/09/2024 07:16

My and DH struggle when we have a row because we disagree with how we resolve it and that makes things worse.

He thinks if he says sorry I shouldn't be annoyed anymore. Whereas I don't believe a sorry is a quick fix (especially if it's a reoccurring issue)

He also wants to fix things immediately and not dwell where as I need time away (10/20/30 minutes) to regulate, calm down and collect my thoughts but he doesn't let me and keeps coming in the room, or following me around "can we talk...can we sort this out now..I said I was sorry can we move on now ..."

Original poster

LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 07:18

MassiveTit · 01/09/2024 07:08

Oh my goodness!! I am just talking about this on another thread and my tendency to catastrophise and for things to escalate. I feel so justified in my hurt and if the other person just cared they would try harder to make me feel better. Then two days later when things have completely fallen apart I feel awful. No advice but following for help!

This sums it up pretty well!

Borninabarn32 has great advice above.

OP posts:

Petesdragoness · 01/09/2024 07:20

Also regarding your incident I would have been upset too, a response like "meh" is quite thoughtless especially after the time and effort you've made for him. It's disappointing too after the time made that it might not have been up to scratch.

Original poster

LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 07:25

Petesdragoness · 01/09/2024 07:20

Also regarding your incident I would have been upset too, a response like "meh" is quite thoughtless especially after the time and effort you've made for him. It's disappointing too after the time made that it might not have been up to scratch.

Thank you for that; I think anyone would be disappointed something they'd spent effort on wasn't liked?

I think personally even if I didn't like something he had made me, I'd be careful to be kind! "This is good but I think your X recipe is better, thanks for baking for me'.

Not 'meh', like he's a Masterchef judge 😅

But I do need to work on how personally I take things (weirdly I'm not like it with others, I just care so much about his opinion) and definitely work on letting go of that.

OP posts:

SensibleSigma · 01/09/2024 07:26

I think several things are happening-
-his behaviour- meh is rude. There are ways of saying it that are less rude and he needs to try some.
-your behaviour, in that you are considerate of what he needs and wants and are hurt that he isn’t the same.

The obvious answer to me is to stop making cake for him. Make cake when you want to make cake. Make cake for you.

I stopped making for other people when I realised they were just critics. Now I make for me, and don’t care whether they enjoy it or not. I’ve gone back to using aubergine and courgette when I cook, making lemon cake and coffee/walnut cake. If they want yet another chocolate cake they can make it themselves.

It’s a release and it’s healthier for us all. They have learned better manners when asking for things.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 01/09/2024 07:32

I think saying meh is bloody rude actually and it's normal to be upset about that.
It's so cold and dismissive.

That said, you told him how you felt and he apologised and unless this is something he does to you a lot then you have to forget it.

Maybe explore what it is you feel you need in order to move on from things. He can't unsay it so it's finding a way to not obsess about it.

Easier said than done I know but it is something you can train yourself to do.

Renamedyetagain · 01/09/2024 07:33

He sounds like a bit of a dick. I'd have reacted like you. He's rude.

mrssunshinexxx · 01/09/2024 07:45

Would you rather that he said yes it's delicious then you make it regularly and he actually doesn't like it ? Honesty is always better than deceit even over trivial things like this

fizzymizzy · 01/09/2024 08:02

Rather than trying to analyse your own behaviour here, take a step back and realise he is actually the problem. You don't want to let go because actually he was really horrible to you about the cake. It's not you that's the issue. Ask yourself why he couldn't make an effort to say something nice, or even if he thought that cake was average, use more words to deliver that kindly. I think the problem is he is both rude and doesn't care too much about your feelings.

YellowRoom · 01/09/2024 08:05

'Meh' as a response is incredibly rude and dismissive. Why are you doing 100% of the cooking?

fishonabicycle · 01/09/2024 08:07

Well, you know what - meh is a bit rude - a 'thanks' with a follow up of something like ' it's not as good as your other cakes' would have have been polite.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 08:09

He was really rude OP. You'd spent time and trouble creating something according to his whims and he acted like a spoilt teenager. I wouldn't make a cake for him again and I'd be rethinking doing all the cooking.

ICanBuyMyselfFlowersICanWriteMyNameInTheSand · 01/09/2024 08:13

I think personally even if I didn't like something he had made me, I'd be careful to be kind! "This is good but I think your X recipe is better, thanks for baking for me'.

Yes because you're a considerate and caring person because you understand your own reactions and that informs how you respond to other people.

He probs doesn't have reactions like that. So to avoid this instead of trying to get him to be more considerate be wise about how you spend your time and how you care for him. I wouldn't be spending my time on something that he may not appreciate unless he loves taste...if you are doing it to receive praise from him. If you love cake make it for yourself and him or just not bake him cake.

Original poster

LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 08:14

mrssunshinexxx · 01/09/2024 07:45

Would you rather that he said yes it's delicious then you make it regularly and he actually doesn't like it ? Honesty is always better than deceit even over trivial things like this

Not at all - but there's a middle ground between an unkind, honest answer and a kind lie.

A kind, honest answer would have prevented the row entirely.

But I do need to work on letting go. And not doing so much for others!

OP posts:

Original poster

LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 08:16

be more considerate be wise about how you spend your time and how you care for him

You're completely right. He can't change and become more considerate (this is a common issue) so maybe I need to evaluate the balance, too.

OP posts:

fizzymizzy · 01/09/2024 08:17

But I do need to work on letting go.

What you are saying here is you need to work on accepting his utterly nasty behaviour towards you. You are not the problem here, don't you even dare 'work on' anything. He was downright rude and that is indicative of a man who does not give a shit about how you feel. The more you change yourself the worse this will get. A piece of cake seems so trivial to be analytical about your relationship, but if you are doing it, please realise you are not the problem

Newnamesameoldlurker · 01/09/2024 08:21

fizzymizzy · 01/09/2024 08:17

But I do need to work on letting go.

What you are saying here is you need to work on accepting his utterly nasty behaviour towards you. You are not the problem here, don't you even dare 'work on' anything. He was downright rude and that is indicative of a man who does not give a shit about how you feel. The more you change yourself the worse this will get. A piece of cake seems so trivial to be analytical about your relationship, but if you are doing it, please realise you are not the problem

Edited

I have to say I agree with this. It's pretty outrageous for him to say something so rude about a cake you'd lovingly baked for him. I think you're struggling to move on because the comment shows a worrying lack of respect for you, and your intuition is telling you to listen. I would say to him I'll forgive you this time but I'm not going to forget this, and if it turns into a pattern of rudeness you'll risk losing me.

Didimum · 01/09/2024 08:21

He can't change and become more considerate

??? Yes, he absolutely can.

Getting over a row depends on the sincerity of his apology (in my eyes). Of course everyone is entitled to an opinion, but the idea of someone baking a cake for someone and them saying ‘meh’ is fucking rude and you should not speak to your spouse that way when they are doing something nice for you.

If his apology seems very heartfelt, that he’s reflected and understands why it was a shitty reaction to have, then fine, definitely move on. If it’s more of a ‘sorry you feel that way’ apology, then … I don’t know, I’d be having a bigger conversation about how he treats you.

Original poster

LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 08:26

Didimum · 01/09/2024 08:21

He can't change and become more considerate

??? Yes, he absolutely can.

Getting over a row depends on the sincerity of his apology (in my eyes). Of course everyone is entitled to an opinion, but the idea of someone baking a cake for someone and them saying ‘meh’ is fucking rude and you should not speak to your spouse that way when they are doing something nice for you.

If his apology seems very heartfelt, that he’s reflected and understands why it was a shitty reaction to have, then fine, definitely move on. If it’s more of a ‘sorry you feel that way’ apology, then … I don’t know, I’d be having a bigger conversation about how he treats you.

It was a 'I'm sorry you're upset" sort of apology.

Following up with "9 times out of 10 I like your cooking"

Dh is still in bed while I'm back from a run.

I put the cake in the bin.

OP posts:

SensibleSigma · 01/09/2024 08:32

Ooh, strong move.

Go for it. Find your power. Stop trying to please him. It’s so liberating.

When you get into a relationship on the basis that you will each work to make the other happy, and find you are the only one actually doing that, it’s hard. You keep going expecting that he’ll ’catch’ how to do relationships, or be so warmed by your care that he’ll care for you in return.

They don’t, in my experience. They just suck up your care and give nothing back. The antidote is to change your own behaviour.
Then re-evaluate if the relationship works for you. Mine is now much better. I’m no longer resentful. It’s enough. The imbalance has gone. It’s not the relationship I hoped for, but it’s enough. Just about!

Skyrainlight · 01/09/2024 08:55

LetterGreen · 01/09/2024 07:25

Thank you for that; I think anyone would be disappointed something they'd spent effort on wasn't liked?

I think personally even if I didn't like something he had made me, I'd be careful to be kind! "This is good but I think your X recipe is better, thanks for baking for me'.

Not 'meh', like he's a Masterchef judge 😅

But I do need to work on how personally I take things (weirdly I'm not like it with others, I just care so much about his opinion) and definitely work on letting go of that.

Show quote history

But he didn't think it was good. So by saying it was good but he prefers X he would be lying and then you might make it again because he said it was good.

Meh would also annoy me as a response but I don't think he can give you a response you would be happy with because you only seem to want a positive response and unless he lies that's not always possible.

Also, don't ask questions if you don't want real answers. Just pretend to yourself he loved it instead of asking if that's the only reaction that will make you happy.