How do you 'recover' from a row?

[LetterGreen]

I have a really negative personality flaw, in that I find it hard to let go of bad feelings after a row/upset with DH.

Example, I spent effort and time baking a cake for him as he'd said he fancied cake, he had a slice, I asked "is it OK?" And he said "meh".

I was hurt and felt zero appreciation. I told him that I was disappointed he didn't like it, and he said 'It's fine. I like 9/10 things you cook/make."

I do 100% of all the cooking.

He said sorry and reflected that maybe he could have been kinder, but I'm still upset.

This turned into a bigger row because he told me I should let it go because he apologised.

Is this my problem? Should I immediately let go of any upset when he says sorry?

I would never advise people in a relationship to bite their tongue over things that cause them discomfort or inconvenience for the sake of politeness, but baking a cake and not responding with polite gratitude is really off.

I do all the household cooking and my DH is nothing but thankful and complimentary, even with my most dodgy cooking, because he is kind and considerate of my time, effort and feelings.

If every week you cooked him a banana cake and he hated bananas, then he can politely ask you if you’d mind cooking another type of cake so he could enjoy it more.

Sounds like he’s embarrassed at his behaviour but has too much pride to sincerely apologise or admit wrongdoing, which is childish and a ‘him problem’.

Oh my gosh- are we the same person?! I made dinner for my DH, kids and my parents whilst we were all on holiday. We'd had a few days of heavy food so I made salmon with 'bits' (salad, coleslaw etc), but forgot to put the rice in. My DH ate the food and said "well that was kack without the rice" at the end, I was absolutely fuming!! He said he just meant he was still quite hungry and it wasn't personal, but I took it completely as unappreciative of all the bloody work I'd gone to. He did apologise, and I told him that it was the way it was said, that he could have said "I'm still hungry" or even "I wish I'd had a kebab"😂
I agree with the advice above, I have to accept he's a free agent who can dislike whatever he wants....but he also has to accept his words have consequences and needs to think about how he says it.

It’s a cake, made for him. No one should have a burning need to ‘speak their truth’ in that scenario. Suck it up and be nice about the cake because your partner has gone to time and effort for you.

She’s not making a bad cake every week and expecting him to happily devour it when he hates it.

Manners matter and they mattered here.

Which is why I said 'meh' would annoy me as a response. I prefer honesty over lies and I think it's completely fair enough to say 'unfortunately this one isn't for me, I prefer your other cakes'.

And does alleviating a lie have more benefits that hurting your partner’s feelings? I doubt it.

My partner is secure enough to not have his feelings hurt if I don't love every meal he makes and he appreciates honesty so it's not an issue, and I feel the same way. I'm not going to get upset and post on MN if he doesn't like my cake. If people can't handle anything other than praise for every piece of food produced they need to look at themselves.

I don’t get why ‘meh’ turns this into him being horrible? Do all these posters really want slavish drones for partners who just smile, nod and lie at the right times? I prefer honesty and integrity every time.

The key is to stop baking cakes and cooking all the time to please him. Are you a people pleaser op? Grown adults are capable of getting their own dinner. Teamwork is the goal - that way you’re both invested and working toward the same ends. At the moment this relationship sounds like a mummy/child dynamic and you’re trying to mummy him and feeling hurt when he doesn’t respond like the grateful child.

And security and the feeling of being appreciated isn’t built by being overtly dismissive of their efforts.

OP isn’t posting about him not liking her cake, she is posting that in context to ask advice on how best to recover from conflict. And it’s not unreasonable to not be able to easily recover from conflict if your partner is dismissive and unappreciative.

She’s not looking for an excess of praise, very clearly, she’s asking for a ‘it’s nice, thank you for making it for me’. Because I highly doubt the cake was bad enough to be spat out and inedible.

Regardless, if you also take issue with the very rude response of ‘meh’ then don’t criticise OP for having posted about it.

"He said sorry and reflected that maybe he could have been kinder, but I'm still upset.

This turned into a bigger row because he told me I should let it go because he apologised.

Is this my problem? Should I immediately let go of any upset when he says sorry?"

OP asked if it's her problem. I said 'meh' would annoy me. As she said he apologised for it I would get over it so yes, I think it's her problem and they can work on their communication in the future.

OP is asking for people's opinions. Yours and mine clearly differ. Get over it. I don't have to agree with you.

Depends if he pulls this dismissive and ungrateful attitude regularly. Apologies mean less and less if you simply keep repeating the behaviour. It’s unlikely to just be about the cake.

I have a personal rule: don’t ask for an opinion unless you are prepared to get a negative one. Otherwise you are just fishing for compliments to make yourself feel good.

i would prefer DH (and anyone else) to speak truthfully to me and not be scared of my reaction. It’s not always easy, especially if you struggle with self esteem.

No one has to forgive anybody anything. But it’s probably in your interests to let it go.
Otherwise the atmosphere between you two will rot.
What more do you expect him to do to make amends? To me ‘meh’ isn’t rude.
It’s up to you what kind of atmosphere you want in your relationship and if you can achieve that by staying mad.

A better rule perhaps: don't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't care enough about you to string a sentence together, fails to understand or care about you still being upset and expects you just to 'move on' from his behaviours.

@Petesdragoness that's interesting, my partner and I are exactly the same. I'm wondering if it's a male vs female thing or specific personality types?

As I get older I am realising I show people how much I love them by cooking them food. If people don't like it it feels like they are rejecting my love for them.

My dh is someone who doesn't connect food and love, but who loves good food. He has always offered an opinion on my cooking, and I have felt very upset at times because it felt like an attack. He has, however, been careful to be polite and honest. However, over the 20 years we have been together I have become a much better cook, and it's down to my determination to cook him 'perfect' dinners 😂

'Meh' is dismissive so your upset is warranted, but your dh should be able to help you feel better with a proper apology. Your hurt and anger won't go away until you feel heard and validated. You need to get to the bottom of what you are reacting to, because it's unlikely to just be about the cake if your upset stays with you for days.

I’d have said “oi you cheeky bugger, make it yourself next time then” and then either laughed and binned it if it really wasn’t nice or eaten it myself.

What he said was thoughtless but he’s apologised and if he doesn’t usually say things like that I’d let it go.

I used to go out with a sulker who wouldn’t let things drop after an argument/apology and it was exhausting and verging on abusive. So glad my husband isn’t like that and I would never ever be in a relationship like that again. Life is too short and sometimes people say things that hurt other’s feeling without meaning to. An apology and learning from it is fine in my book, why drag it out? Or if it’s a pattern of behaviour then I’d be dumping someone who was consistently horrible to me.

There's something really off about whole dynamic of this - from you making a cake because he fancied it, you then asking him if it was acceptable and him abandoning all good manners to be dismissive and nonchalant instead of expressing thanks, and then you having to question if you were in the wrong - I don't like any of it.

He was really rude! He could have been honest in a much kinder way although I can’t imagine being negative about a cake someone had made me after I said i fancied cake. That’s such a lovely thing to do for him. I mean, how bad can cake be?! Did you like it? Does he have form for insensitive criticism?

I think it’s ok to take a bit of time to get over things when someone has been unkind rather than force yourself to accept a blase non-apology. You don’t have to stonewall/ignore - I’d probably let him know that I’d get over it but I just need a bit of time.

I think the problem was that you baked him a cake as an expression of love for him, but he just saw a piece of cake. Presumably you're hurt because you feel your offer of love was spurned/ not appreciated rather than because he prefers a Vicky sponge to a chocolate cake. He should have thanked you for your effort even if the cage was meh, but maybe he doesn't realise that. Can you tell him (another time maybe, not sure this slice of cake has much more to extract from it).

Posting more for answers... my wife is like this. I don't have a temper, so try to resolve things 'rationally'. If i apologise and try to sort it out in the moment, I'm told no, she needs time to cool down... but if I 'let' her go, she'll escalate things in her head and come back ten times worse.

He isn't trying to sort it out though. He said sorry and expected to move on. Saying sorry afterward isn't a method of being able to treat people badly.

Perhaps start your own thread.

Considering a male (I assume) has just commented talking about their wife being like us it seems like it could be a men v women thing but don't want to make too much of a generalisation.

In my experience, men typically just don't want the hassle anymore so they don't take time to process what's gone wrong and often why they don't learn from their mistakes.

Well, let me say, you are doing great! Wanting to know how to improve and searching for help to do that: it's very hard with an upbringing of abuse, so you are really strong!
Also following, because you just asked the right question for me too 😅🙏

Why waste the cake? That seems petty.