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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about the pace of DSs relationship - should spend some time apart?

108 replies

Carzoe · 31/08/2024 22:16

DS is 22, 23 next week, he has just finished uni and is now taking a gap year (well his 2nd gap year as he didn't get to travel much the first one thanks to Covid!). Over the summer he went to Europe backpacking alone, 5 days in he met a girl, travelled with her and her friends for a couple of weeks then they split off together and have been together non stop since. Turns out they went to the same uni and just never met and they seem really close.
They both graduate on Tuesday (no idea why they are so late this year) and have birthdays within the next two weeks so they have come home for 2 weeks. Originally after this DS was going to go to SE Asia (flights booked) but now he has decided he is going back to Europe with her and then they will head to SE Asia together in late October.
As they went to uni in London and both graduate on Tuesday we came to meet him in London today and we met her and her dad over dinner. She seems lovely, very attractive girl and smart too. I'm happy DS is happy however they met 9 weeks ago and haven't actually been apart in 7 weeks!
DS told me tonight that on Wednesday they will both come home with us to Hampshire stay until the Monday then head up to Cumbria where she is from for the last week as it is over her birthday and then leave from there for Italy.
I want to be okay with this but I actually think 2 weeks apart would be for the best, he hasn't been away from her in 7 weeks and is about to travel with her again.

AIBU to think this is way too much and they should each spend 2 weeks with there family after graduation then meet back up to travel if that is what they really want?

It seems so intense I'm worried it will end badly!

OP posts:
Hectorscalling · 01/09/2024 07:05

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 01/09/2024 05:02

I have similar concerns about my 22 year old except that in his case they have been apart because she lives in another country, but in all they’ve only spent five weeks together in person and are so desperate to be together that they’re talking about getting married so they can live in the same country.

I think they’re rushing into serious commitment far too soon.

But they’re both adults. I’ve told DS when he asked for my opinion that marriage is a huge commitment. That I totally get the wanting to not be apart, but if it’s meant to be then it will be without the need to rush into marriage.

But I can’t stop them ,

One of the hardest things about having children is that they don’t stay children, and don’t necessarily make the same decisions we would. But equally we don’t have children just to keep them with us. They grow up, and make their own lives. And all we can do is be there for them.

I have been there with my 20 year old, dd. Thankfully, they quickly realised that marriage wasn't all it would take to live in each other country and revised that plan.

I say thankfully because in ky case I had huge concerns about the way dd was being treated. Which she woke up to soon when she was 'forbidden' from going out with friends.

It is scary when adult kids get in relationships, it's normal to be concerned. As you say, we can only be there for them. Not decide for them.

Neolara · 01/09/2024 07:05

Completely irrelevant, but this has made me remembers being 22, in love for the first time, and travelling around Asia for six very happy months. (Middle aged wistful sigh.)

Changingname1988 · 01/09/2024 07:14

If your adult son is in a relationship with a woman who seems lovely then that’s great news. Maybe they will break up, maybe they won’t. As long as he is happy, what’s the problem?

I never asked my parents’ opinions on my relationships, did you? If you stick your oar in, you will annoy him. Let him enjoy his post-university life!

GreatMistakes · 01/09/2024 07:16

It sounds adorable!

The worst that can happen is they break up and look back fondly at this point in time.

HesterRoon · 01/09/2024 07:32

You’re far too invested in how your son runs his life. Can’t you trust him to decide when and how often he sees his gf-he’s not 13! Jeez, no wonder youngsters can’t cope with life with parents butting in constantly and thinking they know better. Yes sometimes parents do know better but the best teacher once you’re an adult is experience.

Candlesandmatches · 01/09/2024 07:34

He’s an adult. You have absolutely no say in his relation whatsoever. You can have rules at your house Eg unmarried couples don’t sleep in the same room. But you have 0 say in what he does and he is u likely to listen to you anyway. Say nothing. It will only cause a rift

standardduck · 01/09/2024 07:34

Aww that sounds actually lovely. They are in love and enjoying their time together.

It made me think of my Uni love and our travels together. Fond memories!

Please don't get involved. He is an adult and they are not doing anything wrong.

ChilledMama85 · 01/09/2024 08:38

who knows maybe this is love of his life & future mom of your grandkids

Lemonyyy · 01/09/2024 08:44

He is 23, he’ll make his own choices. Travelling friendship can be pretty intense anyway! Don’t fall out with him right before he goes away for months op, how gutted would you feel if you stick your nose in about this, he heads off to his girlfriend’s on bad terms with you and then you don’t see him for months?

YellowDots · 01/09/2024 08:45

I don't get this at all. I met my husband when I was 23 and we were both living in London. He isn't British and was going travelling and I decided to go with him. It didn't occur to me to spend two weeks apart to test the relationship and we've been married 24 years. Very happily.

Original poster
Carzoe · 01/09/2024 08:46

Ponderingwindow · 01/09/2024 05:27

He is not a child. He is enjoying an intensity of a relationship that is going to naturally end very soon when work takes over.

Or is he really taking a full year off after graduating?

They are both taking a full year out then doing masters, I'm not sure how she is funding it but DS worked every hour on the planet during his first gap year and while at uni to save and his grandparents gave him some cash to boost as graduation gift.
He won't be home again in his mind until next summer, at least not properly.

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 01/09/2024 08:50

Candlesandmatches · 01/09/2024 07:34

He’s an adult. You have absolutely no say in his relation whatsoever. You can have rules at your house Eg unmarried couples don’t sleep in the same room. But you have 0 say in what he does and he is u likely to listen to you anyway. Say nothing. It will only cause a rift

That would just mean they don't stay at OP's house.

Maddy70 · 01/09/2024 08:53

Its fine. (Also nothing to do with you realistically)

Skyrainlight · 01/09/2024 09:08

I think you may have forgotten what falling in love feels like. I met my husband at 22, I was travelling and left after two months of knowing him to go to Greece, I was away for a month missed him like crazy so came back, moved in with him and we are still together 24 years later. It doesn't have to end badly.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 01/09/2024 09:17

He won't be home again in his mind until next summer, at least not properly.

I think this is the crux of it. You want two weeks of him, undivided, not a week of him and his new girlfriend.
But his priorities are going to look very different to that unfortunately.

Hectorscalling · 01/09/2024 09:19

Carzoe · 01/09/2024 08:46

They are both taking a full year out then doing masters, I'm not sure how she is funding it but DS worked every hour on the planet during his first gap year and while at uni to save and his grandparents gave him some cash to boost as graduation gift.
He won't be home again in his mind until next summer, at least not properly.

Show quote history

So is this more about the expectations you had for how he was going to spend these 2 weeks at home?

ComeWineWithMeAgain · 01/09/2024 09:21

I was pregnant at 22 with my first child (planned!). I had been with my now husband for two years at that point, we have been together 20 years now and the kids are almost 18 & 14.
Your son sounds like he's living like a teenager to me and that is exactly how you are treating him! Imagine being so worked up about an adults very brief relationship....
Cut the apron strings for both of your sakes.

RaspberryWhirls · 01/09/2024 09:30

I don't know if I'm allowed to link to another thread on here but there is a live one atm where the pils turn up at every holiday the op books. They are practically stalking the op & her family, gatecrashing all events so she feels she can't breathe. Please don't be like that batshit stalker mil.

I understand you may have concerns about the intensity of the relationship . You might feel that it's too much too soon, however voicing these concerns will only cause problems.

If you feel she might be isolating your ds from his family then just be there for him & keep a subtle eye out. You don't want to raise suspicions this early in case she starts to engineer a rift.

WomensRightsRenegade · 01/09/2024 09:31

How do you propose to separate them exactly?

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/09/2024 09:35

May well end badly. In the meantime, he’s an adult so not your business. If it does, he’ll get over it as we all have. If it doesn’t, great.

BarbedButterfly · 01/09/2024 09:35

I met someone at that age, was the same and we were together for 10 years and married. Nothing to do with you at this age and if you try to stick your oar in they will probably stay elsewhere.

BarbedButterfly · 01/09/2024 09:37

Pressed send too soon. His priorities have shifted to her, as they do in a relationship and as hard as it is, you need to understand things will be different now whether he stays with her or ends up with someone else.

thefamous5 · 01/09/2024 10:12

He's 23 !

He's a fully grown adult!

By the time I was 23, I had been with my partner (now my husband) for 6 years and we were a few months off having our first baby.

Leave him alone and butt out

needhelpwiththisplease · 01/09/2024 10:32

In the nicest possible way, you need to get a grip!
Your adult child is in the early intense stages of a relationship.
He is bringing her home so he will still be seeing you.
You need to cut the apron strings and embrace her or loose him

Mummyratbag · 01/09/2024 10:37

Enjoy the week you have with him, get to know the girl. Have a big family meal to send them off, wave goodbye and wish them both a wonderful time travelling. He's either met the love of his life or he's having a great time and it burns out either way he's going anyway.

It's great she's happy to come to stay at yours and be with his family and that he wants to spend time with hers..bodes well!

Yes, of course you'd prefer to spend time with just him, but just swallow hard, smile and grit your teeth like we all do at some point.