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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only taking 9 months mat leave?

103 replies

Pinkturtles · 30/08/2024 20:40

AIBU for this? I thought it would be the norm but most people I’ve chatted to with babies have taken at least 10 months or a full year.

DH is taking months 10 and 11 as shared leave and we already had a month together when DS was born which is taken from the shared leave. The main reason is financial as he will be getting full salary in these months whereas I would be getting £0.

Did you go back at 9 months? I’m worried people will judge me for being a rubbish mum.

OP posts:
Frostycottagegarden · 30/08/2024 21:02

I went back at 6 months with both of mine, as that was normal then. It was absolutely fine and they are fine.

Mammyloveswine · 30/08/2024 21:04

I could only afford to take 6 months with each of my babies!

BarbaraHoward · 30/08/2024 21:05

I went back at nine months both times, it's really normal. I ran back and DH did a month of shared parental leave, which was brilliant. No regrets, no judgement.

Caffeineneedednow · 30/08/2024 21:05

I took 9 months with both. My eldest kind of got extended but that was because I came back to furlough ( covid baby) my second went back at 9 months and my son went into nursery.

Dad's taking time off to be with baba, don't overthink it.

Butterflyfern · 30/08/2024 21:06

I'm doing 6 months and DH is doing 6 months. I think it's really important that Dad's share the burden and avoid mum being default carer.

I'd probably quite like a bit longer with my baby tbh, but my work gives me 6 months maternity at full pay and DH's gives him 6 months shared parental leave at full pay so it's a bit of a no brainer.

I am feeling a bit judged for "only" taking 6months leave, whereas DH is being treated as a hero. Tbh, I think no matter what you do as a woman having a baby you'll be judged and found wanting by someone. @MultiplaLight is proving this point nicely this evening!

Scottishskifun · 30/08/2024 21:06

What's your annual leave build up entitlement? Remember bank Holidays are added ontop that you miss for most professions!
Does your work offer paid KIT days?

My DH started shared parental leave at 9ish months for both DS's but I wasn't actually back working until around 11 months which was great as we got a good chunk together.
I did KIT days in months 7/8/9 so they came through pay package along with tax rebate so never had a zero pay check.

IntrepidCat · 30/08/2024 21:06

Surely it’s a personal choice for what works best for each individual family.

anonhop · 30/08/2024 21:08

Many women in the past & other countries get very little or no maternity leave. They are not bad mothers.
Everyone is just doing what's best for them & their family. I'm planning 6 months x

FlyingWithBabyLongHaul · 30/08/2024 21:09

I think it's fantastic that your husband will get months 10 and 11 with baby! What a nice time for bonding between them. Anyone who judges you for this is an idiot. Babies need to spend time with both parents and this is such a nice way for this to happen!

MultiplaLight · 30/08/2024 21:10

Pinkturtles · 30/08/2024 20:59

Most people I know that are less well off than me don’t go back at all as with nursery fees it doesn’t make sense. So I think your argument is flawed @MultiplaLight. Plus I’m going back for financial security!

I went back for financial security too but I did have cheap childcare.
Whatever you do, don't feel guilty!

Icedblondeoatlatte · 30/08/2024 21:10

Providing for your children will never make you a rubbish mum

Cel77 · 30/08/2024 21:11

I went back when my first baby was 5 months old. I was going to go back when my second baby turned 7 months but Covid struck and I lost my job at the same time. Money was a big factor as I only had statutory maternity pay (zero hours contract both times).
I went back part time ( 3 days for first baby, 2 for second baby) so I don't feel like I've missed out too much.

superplumb · 30/08/2024 21:12

I only had 5 months mat leave with my 1st. I had to go back due to money. It was awful amd I wasn't ready.
2nd I managed 9 months but went back.after 7 for my own sanity.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/08/2024 21:12

OP. No one reasonable will judge you. And what you are doing is perfectly fine for your baby. More than. But it may not be fine for you.

If you can possibly make the maths work, I’d take the whole year and off. Not if it puts your house at risk. Or if it leaves you unable to pay the bills. But if it’s a financial decision between being just about OK and a bit better off, take the just about OK. I speak from a position of having navigated all this 3 times (youngest of 3 now 13). People will likely pile in about the father’s rights to time with the baby. But since you are asking about yourself, I’d say take as much time as you can afford to take, so long as you do not put your home or career at risk.

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/08/2024 21:12

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 30/08/2024 20:45

I went back at nine months and DP did three before DS started nursery at 1. I have always thought that shared parental leave is hugely important and that partners should have the opportunity to find their feet with 1 on 1 time with the baby. I have no regrets about doing it. DS had a full year with one of his parents looking after him full time and I got to go back to work and find my feet again without having to do the nursery juggle. I felt guilty (briefly) when DS started nursery but not when he was with his dad.

We did exactly the same, it was great. DH is a far more equal parent than most men, and I think having 3 months at home with baby DS really helped with that. It did mean I spent an awful lot of time pumping milk between meetings, but it was worth it.

quilte · 30/08/2024 21:13

The main reason is financial as he will be getting full salary in these months whereas I would be getting £0.

How is he getting full salary?

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/08/2024 21:14

I went back after 3 months both times, by choice too. Not for financial reasons.

A long maternity leave isn’t for me.

DrinkElephants · 30/08/2024 21:14

I’m on maternity leave atm. Honestly I think 9 months is about right.

I originally planned 9 months and then had a wobble at 4.5 months I was half way through and I wasn’t ready so upped it to a year but honestly I regret that now. I miss work and having a bit more structure in my life.

Out of my mum friends only a few are taking a year. I’d say it ranges from 7 months to 12 months.

Izzymoon · 30/08/2024 21:20

quilte · 30/08/2024 21:13

The main reason is financial as he will be getting full salary in these months whereas I would be getting £0.

How is he getting full salary?

Companies pay men for parental leave too, isn’t that obvious?

Peonies12 · 30/08/2024 21:21

MultiplaLight · 30/08/2024 20:48

Your attitude is pretty offensive to anyone who had a shorter mat leave. Of course your baby will be fine. There's no "only" about it. You're privelidged that your DH can take a couple of months. Most of the rest of us peasants just go back to work.

This is what I thought, unfortunately many of us can’t even take 9 months.

Original poster
Pinkturtles · 30/08/2024 21:24

@quilte because the company he works for
tops up 3 months pay to full salary, even if those 3 months are taken in the last few months.

@superplumb I am about halfway now and probably starting to panic about going back which is why I’m having a wobble!

OP posts:
fuffymeloncauli · 30/08/2024 21:25

I’m worried people will judge me for being a rubbish mum.

Oh don't worry about that some people just judge anyone. If you're OK with it that's all that matters. I would double check the age the nursery will accept

HappyMuma · 30/08/2024 21:25

I went back when both of mine were 9 months, couldn’t really afford not to. We are all just doing what’s best for our family, that’s not the same for everyone. I would have taken longer if I could afford it, would have gone back sooner if I needed to.

Iwasafool · 30/08/2024 21:26

I worked with someone who finished for maternity leave on the Friday, had CS on the following Monday, went on annual holiday on the Saturday for 2 weeks and then back to work on the Monday. So exactly 3 weeks off but that included her annual summer 2 week holiday.

Baby then left with a nanny who was a 16 year old school leaver who'd had no training.

Everyone's story is different.

IntrepidCat · 30/08/2024 21:28

Iwasafool · 30/08/2024 21:26

I worked with someone who finished for maternity leave on the Friday, had CS on the following Monday, went on annual holiday on the Saturday for 2 weeks and then back to work on the Monday. So exactly 3 weeks off but that included her annual summer 2 week holiday.

Baby then left with a nanny who was a 16 year old school leaver who'd had no training.

Everyone's story is different.

If that was in the UK, and relatively recently, that was illegal.