To feel a bit disconnected to people because I lost my parents

[showmethephotos]

My mum died when I was a teenager, and so I had to grow up fast. I felt very different to my school friends and when I went away to university I still felt a bit different. My dad then died a few years later.

I am getting to the age now where parents of my friends are edging into their late 70s/80s (depending on how old they were when they had them) and I know in the next ten years my friends will be going through the heartbreaking loss of their parents. And I can’t really relate because mine are so long gone.

I am not really expecting anything from this post other than to wonder if a) anyone can identify with this and b) if anyone understands what I mean.

I lost my mother 13 years ago when she was 63, so too young. I’ve been through the grief, which was enormous at the time, but I have a more pragmatic view of death now. It’s not that I can’t relate just that I feel differently. I’m not sure if that’s helpful.

Why can't you relate? You never forget the pain and intensity of losing loved ones no matter how long ago.

I lost my mum when I was young. She died suddenly and I find it weird when I see people 65+ still having parents alive. My mum died in her 40s and I was the first of my friends to loose a parent. When I find out someone 70+ has died I just think we'll they had a long life. I know what you mean the way you feel. Hard to put in words.

I have, unfortunately. I don’t mean I didn’t / don’t love them but I definitely have moved on, which I won’t be made to feel guilty for, it’s how life works and I know they would want me to move on. But it does mean that disconnect is there.

@SUPerSaver721 it is hard to put into words. I know it has shaped and formed my character for good and bad. Hard to say who I’d be now if they’d lived.

I think you can relate to your friends in terms of their grief as you know what it’s like to lose a parent and grief is a very individual thing so some will react as you did and for others completely differently which will always be the case, regardless of timing.

The difference to your your situation is that you experienced your loss at a much earlier age and won’t have gone through what many of us go through with older parents - the subtle change over time of the relationship changing as child becomes parent, the caring responsibilities which come and the possible feelings of guilt : being sad that they have lost a parent but also relief if they have been ill and suffering and are now at peace. You might not have experienced these feelings personally but you will understand them.

Grief is very personal and, in all honesty, you have no idea how your friends will react to the loss of their own parents.
It seems a strange thing to concern yourself with when it hasn't happened yet but I wonder if it stems from a feeling of fear ie. if/when these deaths occur are you maybe afraid it will bring back all the sadness you experienced at the loss of your own parents consequently, you are getting your "shield" ready to protect yourself?

I lost my mum in my 30s, so not as early as you but still at least a couple of decades before my peers lost a parent. It's been weird on many levels and lots of experiences missed. The days out, her seeing me make a success of my career and raise my DC. My DCs weddings. So much. Also many struggles avoided, in my 50s I'm free as a bird, no worries about care of elderly parents, which I see my friends running themselves ragged to combine with jobs and their own families. When they talk about that I can't relate. Also, and this sounds weird...I feel sometimes when I see them worrying about their parents frailty and health issues and the inevitability of losing them, that at least I haven't got that to face as I've already done it so the hard parts behind me iyswim.

I think what people are not understanding is that when you lose a parent so young there is a fear that comes with it, an aloneness, that you no longer have the safety and security of a parent to always be there when something goes wrong. You’re entirely on your own. That’s obviously not the same losing a parent in late adulthood.

I lost my mother when I was in my early 30s, but I didn’t feel enormous grief for various (horrible) reasons. So I do understand the op in some ways. I lost my beloved grandparents in my teens, it was true grief but the intensity of it has very much passed 20 years later. Someone I know just lost a grandparent and whilst I’m hugely sympathetic it doesn’t bring about the same hurt (or worry for some for their own aging parents/grandparents) that it would have reminded me of a few years ago.

Losing older family members is hard, but it is natural even if they are gone much sooner than expected. Ultimately there is always the knowledge you’ll very likely live to see your parents die and the acceptance eventually does come.

It seems a strange thing to concern yourself with when it hasn't happened yet

A lot of conversations have been about parents and many are now starting to get to the age where they can’t do the things they did once.

I have a rare day to myself and my mind does wander and I think of all sorts; I don’t think that’s particularly strange (nor was that post particularly kind, incidentally) but who knows. Strange or not it popped into my mind.

I have always felt a bit different and it hasn’t gone away.

Thank you. Some of you really understand.

I think one of the things about this is that when people do start to lose their parents there will be so much sympathy and kindness that wasn’t present when I lost mine, and obviously isn’t present now but sometimes I do want to wail ‘my mum died too! And my dad!’

Which is stupid.

I lost my dad when I was 27 and my mum at 33, so older than you, I but can relate to your situation. Friends of mine are now losing parents or having to put them in homes because they are too frail or have dementia. I think I am fortunate I have been spared any of the latter, which is really hard. IMO, it is natural to feel a bit jealous that friends have had so much longer with their parents, who have had fulfilling retirements, when you lost yours when you were so, so much younger. Likewise, I am sure you are thinking that in your 50s you are so much more able to cope with loss than when you are much younger and envy them for being in a better position in that way. Although the pain of bereavement diminishes with time, one thing we all know is that loss is hard, and even when someone is old and infirm, death of a loved one comes as a horrible shock and we all feel loss. And whilst our bodies cannot remember pain, I am sure you can remember the people who helped you at that sad time and how they helped. This is what you can do for your friends.

I wouldn't worry about not relating to them. When a parent dies a friend to say 'I'm sorry for your loss' is all you need. Being there for someone doesn't necessarily mean that you have to relate to what they are going through.

I'm not in your situation but I can understand why it evokes feelings in you, perhaps complicated feelings. If your friends are under pressure from caring responsibilities (which I know first hand can be very stressful and distressing), there might be a tiny part of you that is thinking that you would have welcomed those responsibilities if it meant you'd had longer with your parents. Or if your friends are bereaved (much later than you), a tiny part of you might be thinking that they could be grateful for how much longer they had their parent than you did.

I just think life is hard sometimes. Any feelings you have about this aren't wrong but if there is any specific scenario that makes you feel particularly awkward, you could think through in advance what you'd like to say so that you don't get caught out in the moment.

I'm sorry you lost your parents so young. I can understand why you'd feel disconnected.

You have travelled and are travelling a different road from your mates. There is nothing wrong with that.

Your challenge is to navigate it as best you can but acknowledge the differences in your experiences. Perhaps pre empt it a little by mentioning it in passing if the subject comes up so your mates are properly aware that, you know, you are in a different place in your life. A little like having children young vs everyone else you know having children late.

I think being a young adult when both parents die does make you different...I know two other people besides myself who have that experience.

Im always a bit surprised when people my age have parents...my dh does!

You have said it perfectly. This is so true.

I understand what you are saying, sadly because I’m in the same boat. So many people I know have had such completely different life experiences to me as they have had parents alive in to their 70/80/90s.

The way one parents is different, if there are grandparents on the scene (and people that choose to go no contact, that is not the same as loss by death). Holidays/Christmasses/day to day life.

I know what you mean OP. My parents both lost their parents very young - in their early 20s for one and mid-30s for the other. DH’s grandparents all reached their 90s, so MiL was in her 70s before being “orphaned”. Their assumptions about death are very different - they’re hugely thrown by their own contemporaries dying in their 70s, and by the fact that so many of DH’s friends have lost their parents when they’re “only” 50. Whereas having your parents till your 50s sounds like an extraordinary privilege to me and I do slightly struggle not to point this out (even though my own parents are still here and I hope and pray will be for some time!)

I’m so sorry for your loss. Going through adulthood without that backup of love and support must be so so tough.

@BooToYouHalloween has it right.

I apologise wholeheartedly if I came across as unkind @showmethephotos .
That was never my intention.
My Mum died when I was a teenager too, then 2 years later, my Dad died so I can relate to the early loss of parents.

I can empathise @showmethephotos although I was older than you.

I'm sympathetic to friends, no problem, but when people complain a lot about their parents I struggle a bit to be sympathetic.

I think grief and experience change you in many ways.

Oddly enough I’m always surprised (for lack of better word) if someone still has both parents alive by their 30s. I know far more many who have lost one parent by this age - all the parents who have died younger have been very late Boomer gen or early Gen X, like a horrible pattern. Outside of those generations it seems to be less prevalent to lose a parent younger.

I’m sorry for your loss @Wingedharpy and I’m sorry also I misinterpreted your post and it’s intentions.

What I’m trying to say, I suppose, is that there’s been a feeling of not being (as someone put it) on the same path as others. I think in some ways it is a bit like those who have children much earlier than their peers - if you have your first at 20 and your peers don’t start having children until they are say about 33 there’s a bit of a disconnect there, they are knee deep in nappies and might feeds while you negotiate secondary schools and exams and so on.

For me, when my friends were stressing about boyfriends and a levels and festivals and fun, I was dealing with death and grief and a home falling apart. In so so many ways having my own family has ‘healed’ all that. But I think I’m the same and then realise no, I’m not really.

Not stupid at all. You lost your parents way too young. You have every right to wail that out as much as you want and be supported.

External "stuff" can really trigger strong feelings when you have a huge loss like this in your background. Sending you support xxxx