To feel a bit disconnected to people because I lost my parents

[showmethephotos]

My mum died when I was a teenager, and so I had to grow up fast. I felt very different to my school friends and when I went away to university I still felt a bit different. My dad then died a few years later.

I am getting to the age now where parents of my friends are edging into their late 70s/80s (depending on how old they were when they had them) and I know in the next ten years my friends will be going through the heartbreaking loss of their parents. And I can’t really relate because mine are so long gone.

I am not really expecting anything from this post other than to wonder if a) anyone can identify with this and b) if anyone understands what I mean.

I’m sorry for your loss @blueshoes

It is different and I know what you mean. I do know though my own mum was distraught when her mum died even though she (my grandma) was eighty three, I think. I think DM felt incredibly guilty for putting her in a care home although she really couldn’t have done anything else. Sadly I think that and menopause played havoc with her mental health, she drank heavily to cope and that probably contributed to her death.

I so wish I could hug her and tell her I understand and she did nothing wrong and she was a wonderful daughter to her mum. Too wonderful!

I completely get this even 6 months on. I was 28 when I lost my mum this year and she was only 57. I had to take on care of my sister and I’m now her carer and when I hear other people talk about their mums I feel such a pang.

I feel like no one can genuinely understand the pain of losing a parent until it happens to them. She’ll never see me get married, part of me doesn’t want anymore children because of it and it’s a club I didn’t want to be part of as a young adult. I still need her guidance and there’s a big hole in my heart that will forever be there for the rest of my life now. I can’t relate to my friends or people at work who are going through the elderly parent stage, although in some ways maybe it’s a blessing as I work in elderly care and see that side of things but life sure does change forever once you lose a parent

My father lost his mother when he was young. He was thinking and talking about her a lot just before he died (but seldom talked about her before then). She may not have been there to see him have a family of his own who adored him, or a successful career, but the desire to have led a life that would have made her proud of him and that he would have wanted her to be part of clearly never left him. I think he was rather looking forward to the idea that at death there may be some sort of a reunion. My experience of my father’s death, at the end of a wonderful, long life, was nothing like his experience of his mother’s death, before he had had a chance to show her what he would make of the life she gave him.

I know how you feel op. In my case my mum died when I was 33 and my dad got with my best friend's mum.5 months later.
I have distanced myself from my friend and my dad as I find it too complicated.
I feel that my friend has support from her mum and my dad whereas i have no one apart from dp. It's probably partly fault.

This thread reminds me of a funeral a few years back of a friends father, a man in his late 70s after a battle with cancer. One of his kids had just lost her husband to motor neuron disease, her kids were only young when he started to decline and early teens when he died. She seemed so unemotional at her father's death and I can imagine she ruffled many feathers saying things like 'i don't why all this drama and tears, he was an old man at the end of his life'. She should have kept her thoughts to herself of course but I understand where the poor woman was coming from. She was probably traumatised and angry. But she was being really disrespectful. I can see both sides.

There was an interesting thread a few days ago about whether you can compare grief or upset, there are some overlaps here. I'll post it if I can find it

.....that sudden feeling of being vulnerable & exposed. It profoundly changes you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5147998-you-cant-relativise-sadness-but-surely-you-can?page=1

It's probably partly I failt* i meant to say!

I understand where you are coming from OP, it's a funny place to be .

I wasn't as young as some people when my dm and df passed, but many of my cohort were yet to lose a parent. It is often awkward when mentioning my dp to people who don't know.

My df was 80 , and frail due to illness when he died ( I was in my 30s). My experience is more like that of people in their 50s and 60s losing a parent, but because I'm you , they don't seem to allow me to participate in their club , so to speak, because they can't believe I've shared a similar experience.

Then I'm different to people who've lost their parents in childhood/ teens .

I don't share this in real life, but a couple of my peers at school lost a parent in early childhood (whilst we were at school). They both often mention the fact their dm died during their childhood and then the conversation turns to the tragedy . But both now df remarried and have step mothers and new siblings , that they are close to . It rubs me up the wrong way, perhaps because I focus on what they have gained, rather than lost .

Me too. I had an acquaintance who regularly talked about the tragedy of losing her father. He was 89. I managed to hold my tongue but it was not easy!

It’s interesting, having lost my parents early I read this and think yes, it’s inappropriate, but it was probably her trauma that was speaking. I remember I was just starting to get back on my feet after my mum had died and my dad called me to say he had just received his diagnosis. I adored my dad, but I shocked myself because my first thought was for myself “Oh my goodness how can I bear this when I’m on the floor emotionally and have nothing left to give.” I didn’t say it out loud of course, but I completely get where this lady at the funeral was coming from. It’s hard to explain how absolutely grief hollows you out, particularly when it’s untimely like this and feels so bloody unfair. It’s sometimes like your compassion HAS to switch off as a survival mechanism for you to get through the day, as feeling any of your feelings has become so routinely awful. It’s a bit like the old trope of people that are mean are probably deeply unhappy.
It loses some of its intensity with time of course, but I remember reading somewhere that if your first thought when hearing someone’s terrible loss is “well I’ve had to cope with worse and I’m fine”, you’re probably not fine at all and are probably carrying an awful lot of trauma (probably not helped by how badly we handle other people losing loved ones too young in the UK, as mentioned many times on this thread.) Viewing my ‘strange’ internal reactions as my grief and trauma bubbling up definitely helped me view myself and my reactions much more compassionately.

It is true.

I read that a disproportionate number of US presidents lost a parent when they were young. It can ignite a fierce drive in someone too young to process it.

I think I do get what you're saying.
Many of us have very different experiences of family. You had difficult losses at a young age and I suspect that seeing people dying after living their full three score years and ten, and then some, will evoke some mixed feelings in you.
Most people won't appreciate that your life was very different because your parents were gone, and your loss has been spread over decades.

Personally I can't relate when people talk about their loving or interested or caring parents. Mine were none of those things. The loss I felt when my father died (I was in my early 20s) was deep sadness that the relationship I desperately craved was now impossible. It still breaks me now.

Not sure why I shared that, sorry.

I could have written this. I lost my parents in my 30s too. I was lucky to get longer with them than the OP had with hers, but was still rather early as neither had any health problems until that year when they suddenly both got terminally ill at the same time. I find it strange that even now there are people older than me who still have a parent.

And although I miss my mum and dad and wish I could have kept them for longer, I do feel free. There is no threat of Alzheimer’s or care homes or seeing them become frail. I don’t have to worry about seeing my parents get old. They didn’t get old at all 🤷🏼‍♀️

My mum died when I was in my 20s and we have had other early deaths in my family with people losing parents even younger so it can feel odd when I see people hitting pension age with a parent still alive.
When my mum died I felt strongly that it was sad my son, who was a baby, would not have a granny and my younger son and nieces never had a granny. More recently I have thought how my life would have been different if she had lived. Having someone there for you to ask advice, sharing Christmas, going on days out, shopping etc., having a babysitter, so many things people do with their mum in your 30s and 40s or more.
My mum was an only child so no extended family on that side and no-one to look at and think what age might I go grey, will I get fat in old age etc.
I do think more now than I used to that I have missed out on something good that many others have had. On the other hand, nowadays my mum seems like someone from the distant past as it is 40 years since she died.

My dad died when I was a child and my mum when I was mid 30s. It's odd being an orphan so young. Lots of references that you don't have with people whose parents are still alive.

I was the youngest of my friends to not have anyone left.

And yes, when people's parents die at s ripe old age...I think great they had a long life.

I'm 35 and about to lose my DM who is only just 70. I'm devastated that I won't have her for much longer and she won't see the DC grow any more than they have...

But what a PP said about not having elderly parents then they themselves are in their 50s really struck me. This is the worst thing I'll go through for hopefully a very long time. The only thing comparable would be DH, only thing worse would be the DC.

I'll be sad when I lose other members of my family (only really aunts/uncles/cousins - no siblings, NC with father) but not much could be harder than this, and I won't have as much responsibility when they pass away. I will help DH when it comes to PIL of course, but that'll be primarily down to him and SIL.

Thinking of it this way has given me a modicum of comfort, so thank you.

My mum lost both her parents when she was a teenager. She had no parents by the time she was 18 and still at school.

I would say that she does sometimes struggle to relate to adults losing parents when the parents are a fair age and the “children” are well into adulthood. I don’t think she means it but she suffered such a profound loss at such a young age and was left with nothing I think she just sees it as a terrible shame but part of life?

@CoodleMoodle I’m so sorry you’re facing the loss of your mum imminently but glad that some of the posts have given a different perspective.

When I was a much younger woman I used to worry so much about losing my parents, especially my mum, and couldn’t fathom how I would be able to live without her in the world. But then it happened and yes, it was terrible, and yes it changed me as a person, but I’m 11 years on and there is plenty in life to enjoy. And yes, the worst thing I could imagine has happened and I know I can face anything else now (the exception of course being losing a child, which no parents should ever have to endure).

I didn't have family growing up. Just my mother and I haven't seen her in over 10 years now. I have never been able to relate with anyone experiencing loss.
When someone comes to me with that type of thing I simply say "I have never experienced what you are going through but I am here to listen whenever you feel like talking".
I would think you would be able to relate in some way as you have experienced the same type of loss just at a different period in life.

Although I understand that people who are grieving need kindness often for a very long time and do my best to care for them and about them I still have a little inner voice saying I want my mammy!

Someone once told me 'there's never a good age to lose a parent's. I lost one when I was 15, and the other when I was 61. Both very hard.

I know exactly what you mean, OP.

Not from personal experience of losing a parent young, but from my current position.

I have one elderly parent with dementia that's progressing and becoming more of an issue by the month and the other who's starting a fight with cancer while also trying to care for the one with dementia - yes, I and my sibling are doing everything we can to help, too.

While it's traumatic for me, I was drawn today to thinking about my friend who lost her mum at 13 and I felt thankful that I've had many extra years with my parents, although the end of their lives may be painful and lingering.

I don't think you should feel there's anything wrong with your detachment. If you were my friend I certainly wouldn't expect you to fein extra sympathy that you wouldn't have felt yourself when losing your parents at what must have been a far more harrowing time than me planning for the loss of mine when I'm in my 50s.

If anything I would take comfort from being reminded I've had many more years of my family than you had, and feel for you with how shocking it must have been.

I can't really relate to you OP but I do understand where you are coming from.

I'm mid 30s. I lost my dad a few years ago, he was late 80s. Hardly anyone else I know my age has lost a parent. My mum and dad are/were "older parents", so most of my friends' parents are in their 60s or early 70s. Some of them haven't yet reached state pension age. I have colleagues who are 50+ who have both their parents still. I find it very hard to relate to these people sometimes and have to bite my tongue when they talk about IMO small irritations about their otherwise helpful and lovely parents. My mum is 80 soon and I'm very conscious of her ageing. It's very scary to lose a parent and I do feel a bit lost sometimes now one of my parents has gone.

My mother died when I was a small child. I think it changed something in me. I feel empathy for friends losing their parents now, who are mostly in their 70s /80s to be fair, but I have a sense that this is the "right" time for them to go and whilst it's sad, it's normal and I struggle to appreciate how devastating it can be. I was the same when my GPs died. I miss them dreadfully but I never suffered any overwhelming sense of grief. It's hard to explain really, but I get you OP.