To feel a bit disconnected to people because I lost my parents

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My mum died when I was a teenager, and so I had to grow up fast. I felt very different to my school friends and when I went away to university I still felt a bit different. My dad then died a few years later.

I am getting to the age now where parents of my friends are edging into their late 70s/80s (depending on how old they were when they had them) and I know in the next ten years my friends will be going through the heartbreaking loss of their parents. And I can’t really relate because mine are so long gone.

I am not really expecting anything from this post other than to wonder if a) anyone can identify with this and b) if anyone understands what I mean.

My DP lost both of his parents by the time he was 30 (is 50s now). I still have both of my parents, and at times I feel bad when I complain about my dad being an utter twat, or moaning about something my mum has said that has upset me.

I don't think it matters or makes any difference tbh

I don't in the main deal with religious leaders regardless of where they are from so have little time for some of them. This is even though my partner and a couple of friends used to due to one their parents jobs.

Oddly I don't cringe.

My parents were older when they had me but even before they died I had a older half sibling - who could have legally been my parent - and friends whose younger parent/parents just dropped dead or otherwise.

If your parents have you when you are 50 rather than 25 they are more likely to make provisions so their children are looked after physically and financially.

Unfortunately no one can deal with the mental health aspects particularly as it is unexpected that your parents have fatal strokes/heart attacks/get terminal cancer/whatever in their late 20s or early 30s.

I can understand how hard it's been for you OP. I lost my mum in my early 20s and I'm now mid 40s. I can't relate at all to women having relationship with their mum as an adult- it seems so alien. I can't really remember what it was like to have a mum, as odd as that sounds, even though I was an adult when she died. I was incredibly lucky to have a close relationship with my dad who recently died and even I feel lost alone and I'm an established adult. I'm sorry it's been so hard for you.

@Reugny If your parents have you when you are 50 rather than 25 they are more likely to make provisions so their children are looked after physically and financially.

What are you basing this on?

I relate. I had lost both of my parents within 5 years of eachother when I was a teenager. Losing parents as a child meant I grew up very quickly (they had been ill before then), and you are faced with things that you wouldn't normally have been. I have had noone there to watch over me or give me advice or help when I've grown up.

I miss them terribly, I've always felt I've had something missing, I have no access to my childhood or getting to know my parents as people. But I also have a very small amount of relief I'll never have to go through losing them again. I have a freedom in a way where I won't have to be responsible for them as they age. Of course I'd have that in a heartbeat to have them still in my life but it's not going to happen so I "enjoy" that freedom.

There's a clip of Martin Lewis talking about the impact of losing his mum when he was 12. It really hit me with how I could relate to it. Also the film All of us strangers really impacted on me as it reflected a lot of how I feel in regards to my parents never knowing me as an adult etc

I have found my tribe on this thread ! Both of my parents were gone by my mid 20s, natural causes, just awful luck. It was horrendous, I was forced into adulthood and definitely made choices I wouldn't have otherwise. I felt very envious of friends who could rely on family into their 40s and beyond. But yes now in my 50s i have an easier road with no elder care etc and I don't berate myself for a tiny sense of relief that the worst was over for me a long time ago. I used to get very frustrated with people a lot older than me grieving the loss of v elderly parents but I have since learned that we all have our own path to walk. Love to you all

And the having to deal with everything, it's exhausting. I remember saying to a friend how stressful I was finding having to sell my flat, pack up and move on my own, and she said 'oh it's fine I've done it loads of times'. She hadn't though. Whenever she's moved her parents would basically do the whole lot for her and would even stay with her while she settled in. I find many people just don't get what having to do stuff alone actually means and lack the empathy to try to understand how difficult it can be.

So many times this. The loneliness of having to do everything alone surrounded by people who are not alone but have no empathy or self-awareness. People telling me it shouldn't matter that I was doing everything alone because I was an adult and should be independent - whilst being completely dependent on their own parents for all kinds of practical, emotional and financial support!

Watching people whose mums pop round to cook for them when they're feeling poorly or whose dads spent the weekend putting up shelves in their new home.... And they're decades older than I was the last time I had a parent to care for me or help me. It makes me so sad and it hurts that people are incapable of having any compassion for me. I had to go through major surgery and recovery alone but they have a parent to nurse them when they have a stomach bug. Yet they consider me the weak one for being overwhelmed and struggling after surgery.

I've felt on the outside of every social group as an adult. I don't fit in, people can't relate to my life, I can't relate to theirs, and they have no empathy for the catastrophic loss. I hide my pain for their comfort; they never think to exercise tact to protect me from even a tiny amount of that pain.

A couple of years after my mum died I went on holiday with a friend. For a week. Her mum picked us up from the airport when we came back. I'll always remember my friend spotting her mum, dropping her luggage, crying "mummy!" and running up to hug her. I didn't begrudge her that happy moment and I painted a smile on my face for her, but watching them do that in front of me when my loss was still so raw and knowing my mum would never pick me up from anywhere ever again felt like somebody had ripped out my guts and smashed them into my face.

I don't think a degree of tact and self-restraint is actually that much to hope for from people who care about you, but I don't think I've had anyone who cared about me since I lost my parents.

I understand you OP - I lost my mother to breast cancer at a young age and went through so many milestones without her - my wedding, birth of my child etc. I am in my late 20s now so in a different life stage but I miss her on a daily basis as I am now in my baby’s first year of life without my own mother.

I have friends losing grandparents at this age, which is of course very sad but personally I feel a life lost in their 80-90s is vastly different to one that ends prematurely. I imagine in 20 - 40 years from now when my friends begin losing their parents whilst I would empathize with them and I know the loss of a parent is difficult at any age it’s just different. A part of me that I’m not particularly proud of thinks I would have loved to see my mother grow old, that it must be amazing to be a fully grown adult and still have the support of a parent because sadly I’ve not been able to experience that.

I do find it tough on here when new mums are talking about how tired they are and the answer is 'get your mum to come round' or 'go home to your mum'. Having a baby with just your (equally exhausted) partner is tough although it does make you very resilient!

I remember when I was expecting my first, my best friend who already had a toddler said 'oh I couldn't have done it without my mum and dad to support us'. I was gobsmacked at her lack of tact. But that's life...

Yes yes. I hear conversations like that at work too.

Not the same league but I've had times at work where I've mentioned in passing some task at home I need to deal with and been met with a "well why isn't your mum helping you with that?".

"Because she's dead " isn't a socially acceptable response.

We all have foot in mouth moments, but that is pretty gobsmacking.

Lovely post @MyCharger56. I’m sorry for your losses. 💐

It is really hard to hit any life stage out of sync with peers. I can only compare it to me having been the first to have a baby in my group of friends. No one gave a fuck or supported me, but when they all hit that life stage a decade later together, suddenly it's all kindly head tilts and endless lasagnes; I got screamed at for leaving a party after 2 hours to go home to my 5 week old baby.

My DH (an only child) lost his parents by the time he was 20. He had a large group of lovely, warm and loving friends but no one really gave a proper shit. He spent Christmases alone and had no idea how to be a grown up. DH is a wonderful and empathetic person but I know has struggled at times to be supportive, for example when my father was "orphaned" at 60 it was hard for DH to pitch talking about it correctly. I don't think you have to feel guilty about that.

Hi Op , sorry to hear that you are in that position . I too lost one parent at a very young age and another whilst into my adulthood - at a much earlier stage than my peers .
It does make you different and there is always an issue of being an "orphan " even though you are a bit older .
I don't know how to word it , but there does come with it a certain type of hardness and resilience . You have had to grow up quicker . I think this is the case when you are perhaps a bit less empathetic when someone else loses a parent at an older age as they have got to experience lots of milestones with their parent(s) that you have not been able to .i think this is perfectly understandable .
I do however have to remind myself that it is still a profound loss at any age and I do my best to kind and thoughtful to those that experience parental loss at a later stage .

I also do think it is a factor that now people are much more aware of grief and mental health and sadly those of us who experienced losses a while back probably didn't get the necessary support .
I think you need to be kind to yourself and I would also consider if you need to unpick perhaps your unresolved grief through counselling if that is something you may consider.

They are usually threads on Mumsnet about parental loss / grief and if you are worried about perhaps saying the wrong thing as you can't relate- there are often very lovely people who will say what not to say .
I am sorry for your losses .

You don’t really have the right to police people’s posts though, just because you started the thread. It’s a really important conversation to be had about people losing younger parents as opposed to very old parents. I relate, as I lost my parents too young. I welcome the fact that people can discuss their feelings about it.

This, a million times fucking over.

Until you've been there, you'll never understand. I've moved house, had children, married, divorced, had high times and bloody low times, all of them feeling on my own and without anyone I could truly truly on.

Sitting here crying, just had a huge row with my DH over something and nothing because this thread had played on my mind all afternoon. But don't worry @Sweetteaplease it doesn't matter clearly... What's the saying... Walk a day in my shoes? I bet you bloody wouldn't.

We had a weekend away for my 60th birthday. Dd1 told my mil about it. She replied that she didn't know I had a birthday...
All the birthdays my mum never got to celebrate, mine and hers. And her grandchildren she never met.
All the small things.

I understand this. It's not that I don't have sympathy for their grief and can't be supportive, but when you've lost a teenage child, something in the natural order like that just doesn't seem so tragic. It seems like something to be grateful for.

I understand OP. When you experience something outside the natural order like that, that most people can't relate to, it's isolating. I feel disconnected from people in general and begrudingly socialise because I know it's 'good for me'. I'd rather just be away from people though.

Oh god, all of this, every word.

And the total lack of tact. Some of the things close friends have said to me over the years have hurt so much. A couple of friends would bang on about people in benefits (which included me at the time) while being heavily financially supported by their parents and gifted substantial deposits (one of them even had her mortgage paid off by her dad), casually talking about their parents doing all manner of things for them without a thought for how it might make me feel. These were people in their 30s and 50s respectively. No awareness or acknowledgement of their privilege whatsoever. I don’t expect people to walk on eggshells around me but the total lack of consideration made it unbearable for me to be around them anymore.

One friend was always talking about how much she loved her mum, recounting their visits with lots of 🥰🥰🥰 emojis. I didn’t begrudge her for it, but it was like having my heart ripped out each time knowing that I will never get to experience that. Someone said that they didn’t get to know their parents as people - that’s it. I never got to know my dad as a person, adult to adult. There were so many things I wanted to ask him about his life, so many things I don’t know and will never know about him.

I've felt on the outside of every social group as an adult. I don't fit in, people can't relate to my life, I can't relate to theirs, and they have no empathy for the catastrophic loss.

Me too. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere because I can’t relate to their experiences, and they can’t relate to mine. My life was turned upside down. I couldn’t continue my education or go to university like everyone else. My 20s were a shitshow of awful relationships and terrible mental health. I couldn’t form any kind of meaningful connection with my peers because their life was so different from mine. If somebody asked about my parents they’d respond awkwardly to my answer. I’d end up having to reassure them that it was ok because they didn’t know what to say to me. I withdrew from people like the ones I’ve mentioned above because hearing about their close relationship with their parents was just too painful for me.

The hardest part of all has been the feeling that, like you say, no one really cares about me. I actually discussed this with a psychologist I’m seeing the other day. I said that I felt no one had really cared about me since my dad died. That I couldn’t imagine what that anchor of a parent would feel like, having someone to turn to no matter what, who would be there for me in a heartbeat. Before anyone comes at me, I realise not everyone is lucky enough to have this type of parent, and that is a totally valid source of grief and pain in itself.

It’s been so helpful to read about people’s experiences on this thread, and to have had the opportunity to share mine. We don’t really get the opportunity to say these things out loud, and for me at least there’s a fair bit of shame attached to my thoughts. It’s reassuring to me that I’m not abnormal for thinking them.

It can be actually. My last parent died in 2023 and even though he was 89 and not able to provide much in the way of practical support I really feel sort of cast adrift. If I have a problem now there really is no-one I can talk to, I just have to get on with it by myself, which I do, but at times I feel quite alone. Not everyone who loses a parent when they are older has a partner or children. I spoke to both my late DM and my late DF (they were divorced) almost every day of my life and while I don't grieve for them as such, as they had good, long, lives, I miss that connection.

I do of course realise that losing parent/s at a young age is a terrible thing - it was always my greatest fear - just wanted to say that people of any age can miss having parents, especially when they don't have anyone else.

I get this quite a lot. I have a terminal cancer diagnosis (in my 40's) and have friends with parents & grandparents who get unwell and I'm sorry for them, I don't want my friends to be sad, but my mind is definitely on a different track knowing I'll die young, so I don't have that genuine sadness about it. It actually surprises me how little thought or acceptance people give to death in general because it's such a central part of my thinking now.

I also have never had grandparents in my life and I don't find it easy to include grandparents in my kids lives - I don't naturally feel the need for them because they aren't part of my life experience. It's like that connection never formed for me so I can't easily recreate it.