To be confused by friends husband reaction?

[ArseyVarsey]

I’ve been friends with my pal for nearly 25 years.
We’ve socialised over the years with both our families, including the husbands for the odd day out, park trips, dinner or lunch out as the kids grew up. No issues over the years between the families. My friend does a lot at home, as well as works, does all the house work, cleaning, cooking, gardening, and did all the childcare when the kids grew up. Her kids don’t have much of a relationship with the husband. He doesn’t socialise any more, just goes to work and is miserable at home.
We decided to book a little break away for 3 nights together, just my friend and I, to go walking in the Yorkshire Dales, in a cottage.
We went away 5 years ago, and had a brilliant time.
Before the pandemic, my friend and her family got a border collie (relevant) because they thought he was cute and be ‘therapeutic’ for the family, as friend was struggling with anxiety and one of the children (teen) was struggling with confidence.
The novelty wore off, the husband and teens do absolutely nothing with dog, even though it was a family decision. The husband swears and shouts at the dog.
My friend gets very stressed with the dog, they have a small back garden and there have been complaints from neighbours over the barking. They employed the services of a dog walker, who said she wouldn’t take him out again because of how difficult the dog was.
When my friend and hubby went away last year, I helped look after the dog with one of the teens, and the dog was great.,
My friend told her husband that we were planning to go away in a few months time, for the 3 nights, and he went ballistic.
He said he wouldn’t look after the dog and has been stonewalling my friend ever since.
He has been refusing to sit and eat with her and the rest of the family, won’t talk, sits elsewhere in the house,,so she apologised profusely to him to get him out of this situation.
He refuses point blank to talk.
So she came round and asked to cancel the trip away as her life is being made hell, and she was becoming ill with the atmosphere.
I was concerned that she asked to do this, but she said she needed to keep the peace at home.
I asked about the possibility of the dog in kennels for the 3 days, but my friend said it was best to cancel the holiday.
Well done for reading this far……
Why is he stonewalling her?
What can I do to help in this situation?

Your friends husband is controlling and abusive. There isn’t a lot you can do unfortunately, other than support her as she needs it. What a sad situation.

Can you take the dog with you? Especially if a walking holiday?

@Farmwifefarmlife my friend didn’t want to take the dog with her as she wanted to switch off and fully relax. She can’t relax with the dog. He can be very full on and argues with lots of other dogs…and cows…and horses…..plus the accommodation didn’t take pets.

The dog needs a better home. One that'll give him what he needs to fulfill his life. A border collie - what were they thinking?

How does she put up with that husband? She doesn't have to live that way. Who the hell does he think he is?

They need to rehome the dog to a loving home, and she needs to rehome the husband to anywhere but her home.

@IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername excellent reply! It’s a shame how truthful it actually is………..

the husband sounds awful, what is he bringing to your poor friend’s life?

For the hol could one of the teens step up? You said you managed the dog with one helping you.

We have a v full on border collie but we are building up to leaving dog and teen (17 next birthday) overnight alone. Teen already looks after her if we’re both out day/evening even tho me and DP do the bulk of care

Sorry but for a second I read this as the husband argues with dogs, cows and horses. I thought god he is hard work!

Do you think behind closed doors he has always been like this and secretly abusive or do you think it's age?

It's the wrong dog for her family, but I'm guessing she knows this already. They need to rehome the dog via a local charity.

Your friends dh is abusive and tbh, for her sake I'd cancel the holiday. Until she can see he's abusive and has made the decision to leave her life will be hell if she goes away with you. All you can do is say you're there for her whatever happens and hopefully she'll realise he's abusive and make steps to leave. It's not easy when you're in the thick of an abusive relationship to see the reality and severity of your situation.

Your friend has done so much for so long that she has forgotten what a normal balanced relationship is. She now wants to go away for what sounds like a well deserved few days away and her husband has to have the dog but he is punishing her for it. He sounds emotionally abusive. I’m sure there are other behaviours of his that she hasn’t made you aware of, these things are never in isolation.

Poor poor Dog 😔
He needs a decent home.
Neither of them deserve this most intelligent of his species.
He's going to waste and being neglected.
I couldn't be friends with someone like this.
Sorry OP, this makes me fume 😡

@Mozzarellaballs hmmmm, something deffo happening re age I think. I would say he was very old fashioned, which my friend agrees with. She does all the housework, cooking, cleaning, Christmas stuff, dog stuff. The dog deffo argues with other animals………

Well, choices have consequences. Why on earth did she get a border collie?! Just why? I've had collies, and currently have a collie cross - they need a lot of exercise and mental stimulation. Everyone knows that.

She needs to rehome the dog pronto. The poor thing is being abused. Then she needs to ditch the husband as he sounds vile.

@Lovethat absolutely it’s the wrong dog for the family. They didn’t do their homework……..

@Bathwoodnurse in her words she “thought he looked cute”. I can see very clearly it’s the wrong breed. For the garden and house they have, and the sheer amount of work the dog needs, the stimulation, etc.

@Justleaveitblankthen it makes me upset, very often. I have a very good relationship with my friend, she is a very decent and loyal friend and I can’t just decide to drop her because of the things that are happening.
I did suggest a Collie charity that rehomes might be a very good option to look at, but she said she’d miss him. Of course she would! But I think the dog would be happier….the husband? Maybe…but not much makes him happy these days.

Well she chose him so she needs to leave him if she is not happy you can't do anything

For the dogs sake the dog needs to be removed but it is decisions like this 'let's get a dog' with no thought that means the animals suffer and shelters are overflowing everyone is to blame for that

Oh the poor dog.
Agree with pp it needs a new loving home.
And then your friend can concentrate on deciding on the future of her marriage.

When my friend and hubby went away last year, I helped look after the dog with one of the teens, and the dog was great.

Can you rehome the poor dog?

Your friend needs to get rid of the husband, is she reliant on him financially? It all sounds completely miserable :(

@Edingril i’m with you on the ‘let’s get a dog’ thing.
Far too many people have got dogs without doing their homework on the breed, what it takes to have a happy life , and the time needed. I reckon she wanted a lap dog, something ‘cuddly’ but she made the choice. I love my friend, the dog loves me actually, she even says so, but I do not have the home nor garden for this type of dog, much as I like him.
I am worried for my friend and her husbands behaviour.

I feel really sorry for your friend to be married to someone so horrible.😢

It’s far from easy but I think you could try and empower your friend in to taking action if you can op.

For example, why can’t she re home the dog off her own bat? If the dh doesn’t want to be responsible for it for only a couple of days and the teens do nothing to look after it, and she is doing all of the work, and it stresses her out, why does she need permission?

Then once she has re-homed the poor dog she can decide unilaterally to go away on holiday with you. Why does she need permission?

Anything your friend says; just keep repeating back to her; “why do you need permission?”

@Changingplace i cannot interfere in their lives and tell them to rehome the dog. I have given information to my friend about a very good Collie charity about the possibility of rehoming.
The mortgage is paid off between them, she works, he works.
One child lives at home, the other has moved out.
She couldn’t afford to get a place of her own, why should she?
I am so concerned about her. I respect her enough not to go round to the house and fall out with her husband.

I couldn't stay friends with someone who does not take an animal seriously I am not at all a dog person though but it is so irresponsible

What a dick. I would be 💯 committed to outmanouvering her husband.

When my friend and hubby went away last year, I helped look after the dog with one of the teens, and the dog was great.,

First thought is can your husband be convinced/bribed alongside teens to take the dog... its only a long weekend after all.

And I would spend the weekend trying to stage an intervention of some sort get her to leave her absolutely horrible sounding husband.
None of his behaviour is normal. Its abusive and a miserable way to live.

Your friend could look for another dog walker, there will be one who likes a challenge! She could also look for a dog sitter or kennels for the holiday - again more difficult for a dog with issues but shouldn't be impossible.

The best and kindest way forward is to rehome the poor dog through a breed-specific organisation. Border collies are lovely but a nightmare if not stimulated and trained appropriately. He needs a knowledgeable owner.