To be confused by friends husband reaction?

[ArseyVarsey]

I’ve been friends with my pal for nearly 25 years.
We’ve socialised over the years with both our families, including the husbands for the odd day out, park trips, dinner or lunch out as the kids grew up. No issues over the years between the families. My friend does a lot at home, as well as works, does all the house work, cleaning, cooking, gardening, and did all the childcare when the kids grew up. Her kids don’t have much of a relationship with the husband. He doesn’t socialise any more, just goes to work and is miserable at home.
We decided to book a little break away for 3 nights together, just my friend and I, to go walking in the Yorkshire Dales, in a cottage.
We went away 5 years ago, and had a brilliant time.
Before the pandemic, my friend and her family got a border collie (relevant) because they thought he was cute and be ‘therapeutic’ for the family, as friend was struggling with anxiety and one of the children (teen) was struggling with confidence.
The novelty wore off, the husband and teens do absolutely nothing with dog, even though it was a family decision. The husband swears and shouts at the dog.
My friend gets very stressed with the dog, they have a small back garden and there have been complaints from neighbours over the barking. They employed the services of a dog walker, who said she wouldn’t take him out again because of how difficult the dog was.
When my friend and hubby went away last year, I helped look after the dog with one of the teens, and the dog was great.,
My friend told her husband that we were planning to go away in a few months time, for the 3 nights, and he went ballistic.
He said he wouldn’t look after the dog and has been stonewalling my friend ever since.
He has been refusing to sit and eat with her and the rest of the family, won’t talk, sits elsewhere in the house,,so she apologised profusely to him to get him out of this situation.
He refuses point blank to talk.
So she came round and asked to cancel the trip away as her life is being made hell, and she was becoming ill with the atmosphere.
I was concerned that she asked to do this, but she said she needed to keep the peace at home.
I asked about the possibility of the dog in kennels for the 3 days, but my friend said it was best to cancel the holiday.
Well done for reading this far……
Why is he stonewalling her?
What can I do to help in this situation?

@6pence i know it’s her decision, and I respect her enough not to tell her what to do. I wouldn’t point out flaws in their relationship, that’s a step too far. She’s not a confident person, but my god, when we get together we laugh until we cry, we do the stupidest things, and we love being out in nature with the dog (as long as there’s no other animals for him to fall out with …..)

I bet the husband "looked cute" once upon a time.

That wasn't a great decison either.

If she's as dear of a friend as you say she is, you will tell her the truth. She is in an abusive marriage, her husband is horrible, and she should seriously consider divorcing him. You will be by her side 100% for moral and practical support. She has one precious life, she shouldn't be wasting it on him.

@Nocameltoeleggingsplease afraid not. Both my husband and son work full time, another son works abroad, plus we help look after an elderly relative daily too, on top of my work commitments.

She's in a relationship that's abusive. Controlling other people's behaviour with your moods is abusive. He sounds like a prick. Maybe take her out for a spa day instead or something and try to gently tell her she would be better off without him. The mortgage is paid off so she can but a smaller flat and she's used to doing all the work anyway so when would be way happier. Honestly she needs to leave him.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

This.

They're not fit to care for the dog. The problem is them, not the dog. (And I say this as a cat lady, not hugely keen on dogs).

The poor dog needs to be re-homed to a loving family. The husband however needs to be divorced.

Spot on.

Your friend is in a toxic marriage - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help her see it and leave.

It took me 17 years to see it and another 5 to build the strength to leave.

Now 3 years later I am the happiest I've ever been.

I know it seems scary but I've got my life back.

Her husband sounds awful. Lazy, uninvolved in family life not to mention controlling and abusive. It sounds like you may need to support your friend to see that, but it will take time and you need to be prepared for her to dig her heels in. It’s hard to leave such relationships.
I would suggest for the sake of the holiday that she see his silly strop for what it is, an attempt to control her, and ignore it.

First off, your friend needs to pick up the phone and book the dog into dog kennels. It's ridiculous that she is cancelling her trip over this, I'd be pretty mad at her for this BS to be honest. That's the short term problem solved.

It sounds like there are big problems in the marriage, that's a whole other issue. All you can do is be there to listen to her and support her.

I think you need to strongly encourage her to go, maybe make enquiries yourself about different kennels so it's easy for her. If things are so bad at home she needs this trip badly to gain perspective.

I think all you can do is be there for your friend and offer support. It sounds like her husband is controlling and she is unhappy but only she can make the decision to change things or leave. Obviously you have to tread carefully but you can give her opportunities to talk about the relationship - ask her if she feels her freedom is being curtailed by her husband's moods. Often these things creep up over time and we don't realise how dysfunctional the relationship has become. Maybe you can gently give her food for thought and make sure that she knows you are always there to support her, both emotionally and practically.

Was the break booked before she talked to him about it? If that's the case, and it sounds like it from your posts, I can understand why he would be cross.

I'm not totally convinced that he was as keen as she was about the dog. It sounds she was passionate about it and maybe he just went along with it. Maybe she might at the time even promised to do the walking (or one of the kids did).

Best reply.

Jesus Christ, the amount of posts banging on about the 'poor dog' I had to get through before any shown concern towards the op's quite obviously coerced friend, in fact I'm yet to find one, it's all about the sodding dog!
I gave up and just decided to comment instead, got no desire to keep scrolling through all the repetitive comments to find one.

Who cares! Rehome it, it's a dog.
Your friends needs some real help here, she's clearly in a very controlling relationship, who knows what else she has to deal with.

Or actually most people have said poor dog and poor OP....are you just making your own comments up?

You are friend with someone who is abusing a dog … after reading that this “ loyal
and decent person “ keeps a dog that is not suited for their house and lives in a small backyard and shouted at all day and refuses to let it go cause she would miss it BUT THEN DOESNT WANT TO TAKE THE DOG ON HOLIDAY CAUSE HE IS A PAIN … nah .. she ain’t decent , she ain’t a good person, she is shallow and she deserves her husband

what we don’t know, is whether your friends husband has some health/ mental wellbeing issues. If he has, then for the sake of his family, and his own, he must seek help. I know one friend who called the surgery and said she was concerned about someone who was displaying mental health issues. I think that this is an important thing to do.

re the dog, given that your friends husband and children clearly don’t want the dog, I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to have a quiet word with your friend about re- settling the dog somewhere loving and safe.

That is a very high energy dog. Doggie daycare, or give it a job. Probably both.

there is scent work, tracking, seeking - really tires out their brains. Hard to herd things when you don’t have things to hard, but maybe over there. Also doggie diving and such. Just have her assess the dogs strengths and likes and find that. They will get better as they are engaged and socialize more. Our dogs trainer is associated with his daycare, and they love each other. He’s tired after 20 mins of tracking, but a 15km walk barely slows him down.

as stated by others, time to rehome the husband!

Your friend is in an abusive relationship. It's really that simple.

Your friend deserves a better home life as does the dog.

I rarely say a dog should be re-homed but honestly they should reach out to a rescue for the breed and let the dog have a better life than they are willing to give - more your friend's husband and teens, than your friend. She sounds like she's in a terrible situation.

Would your family look after the dog ? A border collie needs lots or running off lead to be happy A small garden won't be enough. People should really think more about the breed they are getting. The husband is an arsehole by the way. Don't see how you can change that tbh. Poor dog.

The accommodation doesn’t allow dogs.

If this is out of character for the husband then I suspect there is more to this e.g. the husband was never on board with having a dog but she went ahead anyway on the agreement that she does everything for the dog, and now he’s holding her to that.

The op friend needs a better home one preferably away from her arse of a husband