To not know how to drive?

[whatawickedgame]

That's kind of it really.

I grew up in a city, I live in a city with great transport links and 10 mins away by train to a massive city. DH drives. I have had lots of lessons and got to the point where I 'could' drive but I was crying whilst driving in every lesson, it terrified me, so stopped. AIBU to not get my licence? DH doesn't mind doing the driving.

Maybe try hypnotherapy to tackle your driving anxiety too? And think about automatic.

I can't imagine how difficult it is to learn to drive when older, I'll be encouraging as best I can that mine learn when they're in school (we'll be paying for everything), even if they don't need it for a while, chances are they will at some point in their life and it would be much harder to learn when you HAVE to.

I had quite bad driving anxiety in my 20s, after uni, from a rural area, it was knocked on the head when I simply had to drive long distances for work later in my 20s onwards. Being able to drive (be that physically and mentally!) is so incredibly freeing. Even in London we had a car, there is a limit as to what public transport can do.

But if your life is genuinely fine without driving, and it works for your family, that's all that matters.

People on MN are often quite horrible about those who don't drive. I think that's because they apply their own circumstances to it (it was easy for them, or it was hard but they made it work, they live in the countryside or a place with crap public transport, someone has taken the piss with getting lifts off them etc etc)
You need to apply your own circumstances rather than theirs.
If you want to do it I'd echo that automatic is easier, but if you don't you just need to check that you can get where you want to go.
I live in a big city where driving takes longer than public transport for many journeys, I can afford taxis to the places I go regularly which are tricky and I like walking and it's good for my health. I find driving nerve-wracking - a moment of not paying attention and you could kill someone. I have many moments of not paying attention!
I do sometimes think it would be good to learn as DH does drive us out of the city every now and then and I'd miss that if I didn't have it. It would also be useful for me to be able to drive (and drive away from) big gatherings of friends which are sometimes held in the countryside, but to do that id have to be a really confident driver. When I've driven in the past (in a different country) I wasn't a confident driver. I could get to the regular places I needed to go but would totally freak out if faced with a big highway. On balance I've decided not to try to get a UK license.

Neither of my parents drove. Living in central London they saw no need.

I mixed up my directions on my driving test! I did the correct procedure just indicated to turn the opposite direction to what he had asked, must have known it was nerves as he just repeated the instruction and all was well.

Surely if that happened they'd just get a taxi?

OP in the circumstances you describe it sounds like you don't need to be able to drive so it's fine that you don't. If you move out of the city you could always try again later.

If you did pass your test but didn't drive regularly, you'd likely forget how to anyway, so wouldn't be in any better position. I'd just forget about driving for now and come back to it later if you need to, you can always sign up to an intensive course and possibly also change to an automatic as your family car as they're getting more common now.

Surely if that happened they'd just get a taxi

I'm more interested in the fact there's an A&E in this country that got an adult seen and stitched up within the hour 😱

I can see how if you live in a city like London, with great public transport, you might not feel the need to own a car. But I would still consider it a useful skill to be able to drive so I could hire one from time to time.

So many of the holidays we have done would be impossible if at least one of us didn't drive. In fact in a weeks time we are hiring a camper van for a few days in Scotland.

Holidays apart, it feels as though by not driving you are always limiting your options for where you can live, the jobs you can consider, the leisure activities you can take part in.

Non drivers have thought those things through you know.

I don't want to go on a driving holiday in a camper van, it's not what I enjoy doing. Nor do I want to live rurally, if I could afford it I'd live in zone 1 London as I adore city life.

It's not "limiting" me because I don't want to do those things.

Sorry if this has been touched on but have you tried having lessons with a new instructor and not inside the city? I know city driving still stresses me out now and I’ve driven all over Europe for years including with trailers etc so I’m not exactly inexperienced.

If you’ve not tried it:
new instructor
quiet suburb
perhaps an automatic, as others have suggested!

Well, if I wasn’t married etc, and I was looking for a partner, then I wouldn’t be keen, no.

Because every time we went anywhere that wasn’t that town, I’d be expected to drive.

My sibling didn’t learn until he was mid twenties. If we socialised together (he lived about 30 min away from me), I had to drive. Usually to the town where he lived, often diverting to pick him up on the way. If it’s a close friend/family member/partner I’ve found the expectation is that you’ll arrange things close to them, and/or divert and pick them up on the way. If he had wanted to come here he would have had to take a train to another local town and then a bus out here. So he never came here, or on the rare occasion he did I had to go pick him up and bring him back.

I found it wearing tbh, that the assumption generally becomes you’ll ‘just nip past and grab’ them rather than expect them to deal with 45 min door to door taking public transport Vs a smaller detour to collect them.

We have family who live in London who can drive but don’t own a car and I understand that makes sense, but unless you live somewhere with good public transport, the onus (over time) transfers to the driver because it takes less time to drive than buses/trains especially when you factor in walking and connection times.

What? People suggesting OP learn are just jealous?
It's a really useful skill OP and very few people can't learn given the right instruction
You never know what life may throw at you, best to be prepared.

I suppose because I wouldn't want to be limited on activities/ hobbies/ holidays where I live by having to take into account the non-driving partner and take on all the responsibility for driving if we want to go anywhere (many places) not easily accessible by public transport

I live in a university town with ok public transport (direct half hourly trains to London via 2 other biggish cities and loads of buses) but where you need to live within the town to access that isn't always where you'd ideally want to (unless you love living next door to student HMOs).

It's probably easier to be in a relationship where neither of you drive as then there's no question - you have to plan your lives around where is accessible by public transport. But when one of you can drive, there's pressure to make certain decisions, often in DC's interests (e.g. school/sports etc) where only the driving partner can actually make it possible, and that confers more responsibility /less flexibility on them.

e.g. if only I could drive I'd have to do all the DC's sports stuff at weekends as rugby clubs tend to not be right next to public transport or would be a massive ball ache. If neither of us could drive the dc just wouldn't play rugby or we'd live in London where it's doable.

Well you could get your own car to use while your husband is at work.

It’s up to you obviously, it’s your life.

its only on here I seem to see so many people “terrified” of driving. I’ve never come across one single person like this in real life.

If you live in a city there's little point. When we lived (very briefly) in the city my car sat for so long the battery died! I loved using the underground or walking. Where we live up north now we have little choice but to drive as the DC's school alone is miles away.

I can't drive and I last took lessons about 15 years ago. Really struggled learning in a manual despite months of lessons. Going to try lessons in an automatic once youngest dc is in preschool (sahm and no childcare until then). Not overly optimistic about managing to pass as I'm in my 40s now and the things I found hard are simply managing to pay attention to everything on the road, and that will still be there in an automatic. But I have more money to throw at lessons now so I will just keep taking them for however long it takes or I get sick of it!

I live in London zone 2 and most scenarios all the drivers throw up where a car might be necessary aren't an issue tbh, so learning to drive isn't an essential skill here. Would never live somewhere where it was absolutely necessary.
But it would be nice to do day trips and pick up some big purchases, and do some quicker journeys, some places are a 25 min drive but 40 mins by public transport.

YANBU at the moment. You need to look towards the future though. Your DH may not always be with you. You may not always live in a city with good transport links. A driving license is a life skill and certainly something worth having in case the need arises for you to use it.

I don’t know how he did either. Everyone else was shooting daggers at us!

Can you not buy an old banger out of the classified ads (finances permitting) and get somebody with a licence to ride shotgun in a big private carpark after closing. It's harder to learn to drive with just driving lessons. You need to take the pressure off and get used to the feel of driving to build up confidence. Then you can venture onto the roads a bit more. I know many who have overcome their problems this way. I always found lessons so much pressure. You've got one hour, not even that most the time, and thinking about things like cost and not wasting time really ramps it up. Then there's the constant knowledge that the instructor might grab the wheel or step on the brake and is always telling you where to go. I had a right twitchy fucker the one time and it sent me to pieces waiting for his next tap on the brakes. Threw me right off, even though I'd already got to test level and passed my theory by the time he came along. I could feel his twitchyfuckerness and it made me nervous, giving rise to stupid mistakes I'd long since stopped making.

A driving instructor is preparing you for your test, hence all the telling you everything you're going to do. I found it so off-putting. Nicer to be in control of where you're going. I think it's good to have some of both lessons and private practice.

As the old chestnut goes, "there's more than one way to skin a cat". Although, why anyone would want to skin a cat, I don't know. Bit weird and psychopathic.

If you really can't get over the crying thing, at least you tried your best. It's worth it to try because having your own transport is a very freeing thing.

I feel this. I've got my test soon and have only had lessons, no private practice. My teacher is fantastic actually, but I've been learning for ages (it's taken me a while to get the hang of, plus long waiting time for a test date), and I'm at a point of just being done with spending an hour being told what to do and knowing I'm being monitored. I don't begrudge my teacher doing the monitoring nor for telling me what to do - that's his job! But I am just reaching saturation point with the tension and feeling judged! Wish I'd been able to do some private practice. If I don't pass this time, I'm going to try and find a way to do that before attempting again.

@whatawickedgame don’t let anyone pressure you. You have to be ready, else it’s not going to happen. I started learning at 17 due to pressure from a bf, but stopped as I absolutely hated it. I wasn’t ready. Got through life very easily without it for the next 20 years and I didn’t live in a city either! I never needed lifts, walked loads and got the train/bus. It’s perfectly viable to be independent without driving so don’t let anyone pressure you.

however, I decided to try driving again during lockdown due to my parents living an hour away and me wanting to be able to support them. I have an automatic licence now. I like driving but I really hate other road users! My advice would be find a new instructor and try an automatic. You can always change your current car! Good luck x

I think everyone should learn (if they are medically able). You are forgoing a lot of independence by not being able to drive. What if your DH wasn’t around for whatever reason, or if he was unwell and needed you to drive him somewhere urgently? I think it’s worth persevering. Not learning seems short-sighted.

I understand how scary it can be. I can drive, but I've lost my skills due to thinking I'm not very good at it, DH does all the driving. However, I did try a new instructor for a refresher course and he said I did very well! I live in a rural area so I need to get over it if I'm to have any independence. Please keep going!

I had to force myself to drive when I moved countries from a big city. Not driving severely limited my ability to get a job. I did however get am automatic car. Fairly easy to buy nowadays.