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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not inviting SIL on holiday?

62 replies

EnidSpyton · 28/08/2024 23:02

I recently went on a short break with my sister. We don’t live near each other and have busy lives, childcare to sort out etc so we haven’t been away together just us in probably a decade. We had such a lovely time and it was so special to be alone together without kids, partners etc.

We had a family lunch over the bank holiday - our brother and his wife were there. SIL asked how our holiday was, and we had what seemed to be a perfectly nice and friendly conversation about it. However later on my brother took me to one side and said SIL was really upset she hadn’t been invited to go away with us and he felt really disappointed that we hadn’t included her.

I was taken aback by this and felt awful that SIL was so upset. It had never occurred to me to ask her. Neither my sister nor I have any issues with her - we all get along well - but surely we are entitled to spend time together on our own?

I’m interested to know what other people think - are my sister and I in the wrong here? Do we owe SIL an apology?

OP posts:
Sheelanogig · 28/08/2024 23:04

I don't think you do.
You can go away with your sister, or a cousin, or a friend and not have to invite SIL.

Karmaisac4t · 28/08/2024 23:04

You and your sister did nothing wrong. I go away with my mum every year, wouldn’t even enter my head to invite my SIL.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 28/08/2024 23:07

Absolutely not, you're perfectly entitled to go away with just your sister-your brother is being ridiculous, having your SIL there would have changed the whole dynamic.
Think nothing else of it, if she wants to arrange a trip away with you both then she can feel free to invite you can't she?

Rosiemadeathing · 28/08/2024 23:07

I don’t think you did anything wrong. I would go away with my sister without my sil. No one would think anything of it. Depends on the family dynamic though I suppose.

7yo7yo · 28/08/2024 23:08

I’ve been the SIL and have been you.
Whats your relationship like?
If it’s superficial and she’s not someone you would particularly choose as a friend then that’s fine but if you value your relationship with her, why couldn’t/didn’t you invite her?

longdistanceclaraclara · 28/08/2024 23:11

7yo7yo · 28/08/2024 23:08

I’ve been the SIL and have been you.
Whats your relationship like?
If it’s superficial and she’s not someone you would particularly choose as a friend then that’s fine but if you value your relationship with her, why couldn’t/didn’t you invite her?

Presumably it massively changes the dynamic, regardless of how well they get on. I wouldn't invite my sil on a weekend with my sister, wouldn't occur to me and probably vice versa.

AyeDeadOn · 28/08/2024 23:11

I think your sister in law is bonkers

Original poster
EnidSpyton · 28/08/2024 23:13

@7yo7yo

We’re all friendly but not close. My sister and I have a lot of shared interests that our SIL is not into at all so there’s not a huge amount of common ground. We happily go for lunch or on a shopping trip with each other but a holiday all together for several days would have felt a bit strained. That’s why I was so surprised - I didn’t even think SIL would want to come away with us.

OP posts:
semideponent · 28/08/2024 23:15

You heard DB's take on DSIL's reaction, It certainly tells you something about DB.

Vabenejulio · 28/08/2024 23:16

I think your SIL and brother had no right to attempt to make you feel guilty, let alone reproach you for not inviting her.

This wasn’t a “wider family” thing. It was a “two sisters” thing. She’s not your sister. The relationship is different, whether she likes it or not.

Obviously she’s lacking this sort of intimacy in her life. But that doesn’t entitle her to deny you yours. Them’s the breaks.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 28/08/2024 23:16

YANBU.

I get on fine with my SIL, but my relationship with my sister is on a completely different level.

Royalshyness · 28/08/2024 23:17

You are absolutely entitled to go away with your sister !! She’s cheeky to even make a comment to be honest. It’s not her place __

7yo7yo · 28/08/2024 23:17

Than no YANBU.
if there was a tradition of you all going away or common interests I would understand her hurt but you are still allowed to holiday without her.
If she hasn’t directly said anything to you I would ignore DB. She may be hurt but understand.

Werweisswohin · 28/08/2024 23:19

It's perfectly fine to go with just your sister. I'm not sure why SIL thinks she has reason to be included or to be upset that she wasn't included.
I'd be inclined to tell your brother that you both do like her and enjoy her company, but also want to continue doing things just as sisters every now and then.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2024 23:20

Your sister-in-law is a self-absorbed drama queen. She really has no understanding that sisters may want time to themselves? Good grief.

mollyfolk · 28/08/2024 23:20

I think I'm SIL type here. I was hoping to have a more sisterly relationship with my sil's and would have welcomed that but it just didn't happen like that,

But that's just a feeling I have in my head. I wouldn't dream of saying it to him. He shouldn't have said anything to you because you can go on holidays with whoever you like.

NewName24 · 28/08/2024 23:28

Of course YANBU.
Your SiL is being odd.

Perfectly fine to go away with your sister - the relationship is completely different.
It wouldn't occur to me to want to go away for a week with my SiL and her sister, and I like my SiL a lot. We do occasionally meet up for lunch / theatre / coffee / concert just me and her, but I wouldn't expect to spend a week's holiday with her.

cadburyegg · 28/08/2024 23:28

How ridiculous, YANBU

PrincessScarlett · 28/08/2024 23:31

Is your SIL an only child? Maybe she is looking at being more like a sister to you and your sister as she doesn't have a sister of her own to go away with. Not that that excuses them guilt tripping you. You absolutely should not have invited her along just because she's you SIL.

Maybe an overnight spa break is more suitable to invite her to but not a holiday you planned with your sister.

tellingtalessometimes · 28/08/2024 23:34

No you're not wrong. You probably have a different dynamic with each one and like you said fine for a shopping trip together or a lunch etc...but a holiday is different. I am close with my sister and have a good relationship with SIL too. When there is a family gathering all three of us get on great but I know on a holiday I would be the middle one and their relationship together is not as close as mine with each of them. So it wouldn't feel the same. My SIL certainly would be upset about us going on holiday together, I find that really odd she doesn't understand that.

Jl2014 · 28/08/2024 23:48

Bonkers. Of course YANBU. There is either something more to the dynamic, DB has misinterpreted or your SIL is a drama queen.

you of course can unashamedly depend time with your sister! People are so weird 🤯

Itsabitweirdinhereinnit · 28/08/2024 23:51

Vabenejulio · 28/08/2024 23:16

I think your SIL and brother had no right to attempt to make you feel guilty, let alone reproach you for not inviting her.

This wasn’t a “wider family” thing. It was a “two sisters” thing. She’s not your sister. The relationship is different, whether she likes it or not.

Obviously she’s lacking this sort of intimacy in her life. But that doesn’t entitle her to deny you yours. Them’s the breaks.

This. You absolutely do not and should not be expected to take any of your in-laws on a holiday you’re going on with your sister!

BabaYetu · 28/08/2024 23:51

YANBU! Of course you can have holidays with your sister and not need to take SIL along too.

You’re siblings. Anyone else changes the dynamic of the trip. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes you just want to spend time with your sister.

saraclara · 28/08/2024 23:52

Does he invite your partner to go away with him?

AdoraBell · 28/08/2024 23:55

Sounds like your SIL is a12 yr old. I would ignore. I’m glad you had a good time with your sister.