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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not inviting SIL on holiday?

62 replies

EnidSpyton · 28/08/2024 23:02

I recently went on a short break with my sister. We don’t live near each other and have busy lives, childcare to sort out etc so we haven’t been away together just us in probably a decade. We had such a lovely time and it was so special to be alone together without kids, partners etc.

We had a family lunch over the bank holiday - our brother and his wife were there. SIL asked how our holiday was, and we had what seemed to be a perfectly nice and friendly conversation about it. However later on my brother took me to one side and said SIL was really upset she hadn’t been invited to go away with us and he felt really disappointed that we hadn’t included her.

I was taken aback by this and felt awful that SIL was so upset. It had never occurred to me to ask her. Neither my sister nor I have any issues with her - we all get along well - but surely we are entitled to spend time together on our own?

I’m interested to know what other people think - are my sister and I in the wrong here? Do we owe SIL an apology?

OP posts:
Itsabitweirdinhereinnit · 28/08/2024 23:55

saraclara · 28/08/2024 23:52

Does he invite your partner to go away with him?

I’d like to know the answer to this. Which of his in-laws does he invite to places, holidays in particular

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 00:05

Your brother is an absolute dick for even telling you this.

TotHappy · 29/08/2024 00:09

It would make so much more sense if he said HE was disappointed not to be asked with you!

Orders76 · 29/08/2024 00:11

If you feel comfortable with a single overnight I think that's lovely.
However, id be making clear to bro that communal and familyal at different

Meadowfinch · 29/08/2024 00:12

It's a totally different dynamic. I love my dsis. We share a lifetime of childhood experiences and interests, while my relationship with my sil is one of a friendly acquaintance. I'll happily share a couple of hours shopping or a lunch but that's enough.

Your Db is being unreasonable.

RandomMess · 29/08/2024 00:18

If it were a siblings trip surely you'd invite your brother not his wife?

saraclara · 29/08/2024 00:21

Is just let him know that this wasn't a 'girls trip' but a 'you and your sister' trip. And that if you'd wanted a third person it would have been him, your sibling, rather than someone who doesn't have the shared history.

KreedKafer · 29/08/2024 00:30

Your SIL’s being weird. It’s perfectly normal to do different stuff with different people. Nobody is entitled to be invited to everything.

Fraaahnces · 29/08/2024 00:45

I would tell him a) that you are not obliged to invite everyone every time. This was simply a trip for you and sister, and b) it was a two bedroom place. Also, c) you will organise trips in the future inviting whomever you wish. Sometimes you will invite SIL, if you feel it appropriate. Sometimes you won’t. Your Bro isn’t going to be expecting “Why didn’t you invite us?” Phone calls every time he or SIL puts photos on Instagram, is he? You can start….

RitaIncognita · 29/08/2024 01:05

I have five sisters-in-law, two married to my brothers and three sisters of my husband. I get along well with all of them and am particularly close to two of them. They all have sisters of their own. Would it occur to me for a single minute to be upset that they went off on a getaway with their sisters and didn't invite me? No, I would not. Just as they would not get upset if my sister and I went away for a break.

OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

mondaytosunday · 29/08/2024 02:16

For goodness sakes. @7yo7yo why on earth should she invite her? I don't invite my sister if I want to go away with my best friend, and I don't invite my best friend if I want to go away with my sister. And if I want to go away with one sister I don't feel obliged to invite my other sister! The SIL is not even that close!

Maria1979 · 29/08/2024 06:49

What if DB was the one who wanted his wife to be included? He might try to guilttrip you into taking her next time by saying she was upset she couldn't come. Maybe sil said something like "oh, that sounds so lovely, they must have had so much fun" and DB thought you ought to include her next time.
3rd hand comments should be met with suspicion. I would talk directly with sil and ask her if she was disappointed you didn't invite her. She will be mortified either way but atleast that will be the end of it.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 29/08/2024 07:19

You did nothing wrong and you most certainly do not owe sil an apology. If you apologise, she will expect an invite next time and every time.

violetcuriosity · 29/08/2024 07:22

YANBU but if your SIL sees you both as sisters (even if you don't get that vibe) I can see why she's upset. When I was with my ex he had two brothers and the other two sisters in law who didn't work would always be doing things together and even though I wouldn't have been able to go anyway it did sting a bit.

7yo7yo · 29/08/2024 07:37

@mondaytosunday
i said op is NBU.

buttonsB4 · 29/08/2024 07:40

Has your DB ever invited your DH or your sister's H on a holiday with him?

I'm wondering if there's any kind of precedent he's set or if he's being a hypocrite?

Bubblesgun · 29/08/2024 08:03

I am a sister in law in this situation you described OP and my husband has 3 sisters.
i wouldnt be upset at all if they were going away together, it wouldnt occur to me to be.

what annoys me a lot though is that i go out of my way to organise for the cousins to get together and when their children meet and they dont include mine that pisses me off. They know we are busy so they always say “we knew you were that week end so we didnt want to put pressure on you”

well 1. Let me make that decision for myself i am a grown adult and 2. I always prioritise family so would happily reorganise my week ends.

anyway that was a vent and not the point of your message. You are not unteasonnable at all.

Skyrainlight · 29/08/2024 08:36

You are not in the wrong, you are perfectly entitled to go away with your sister. It's a very odd reaction from SIL. If anyone had the slightest reason for being upset for not being invited it should be your brother and even that would be ridiculous but at least more understandable.

Peakpeakpeak · 29/08/2024 08:46

DB very much overstepped there.

Rapturous · 29/08/2024 08:53

I’d have laughed and asked my brother whether his next holiday plans included our husbands, and if not, why not. And suggested that if an adult woman is upset with two other adult women, she actually speak to them directly, not hide behind her DH as intermediary.

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2024 09:03

Utterly ridiculous. What have you got to apologise for? Nothing! Your db is being weird. Why on earth would you invite your sil? She doesn’t have to be involved. I would just ignore, don’t even keep future holidays quiet, just carry on. The only one who should feel bad is your db for even raising it.

Flossflower · 29/08/2024 09:29

YANBU. I like my SIL a lot and she is a very kind person but my sister and I are very different people and much closer. I would go away with my sister but not my SIL. I really don’t think my SIL would want to be invited. She would rather go away with her own sister.

beanii · 03/09/2024 19:07

Of course you don't owe her an apology.

Sisters can go on holiday together - anyone can without any explanation.

Wonder if she'd think to invite the 2 of you if she went away with her sibling?

Navyontop · 03/09/2024 19:11

If you wanted to invite her, then great! But a sibling relationship is like no other, is easy, familiar, etc… And having another person there does really change the dynamic.
i think you’re fine! Invite her along on a night out soon, but don’t ever feel guilty for spending quality time with loved ones.

TinyYellow · 03/09/2024 19:12

Are you sure it’s sil that was upset and not just your brother being a bit odd? My ex was desperate for me to become besties with his sisters.