Not giving me my hungry baby back

[Apricottrot]

My DS is coming up for 11 weeks old and is breastfed.

Today MIL and SIL were over visiting and were taking turns of holding baby. He became unsettled and they both tried to settle him however after a couple of minutes I could tell he was hungry. I kept saying ‘oh he must be hungry’ and eventually said outright that he needs fed. They still didn’t give me him back. This has happened quite a few times, not just with them but with my own mum and friends too.

I understand that they’d like a chance to soothe my baby however I find it distressing knowing that my baby is hungry and his needs aren’t being met.

I eventually ended up just taking baby from MILs lap and fed him.

Is there anything else I could say to nip it in the bud straight away without having to take my baby from people to feed him? I don’t want to be confrontational and don’t want to be getting to the point where both baby and I are distressed.

I don’t understand why someone would keep hold of a baby who is clearly needing fed by his mum, but maybe it’s my post partum hormones…

They want to help but it's very distressing I understand. With my first I was overly polite and got upset. With my second I just go straight to he needs milk I'll feed him and then just take him x

You can be oblivious. Just channel your inner Hyacinth and say "Time for some lunch my little cherub!" while smiling brightly at no one in particular and plucking him up like a a ripe strawberry.

'milk time, cuddles aren't going to do it MIL'

Also feeding on demand will help him feel safe and know that his needs will be met. If their counter argument is thay he needs independence or whatever, rest assured at this age he doesn't!

When you say ‘oh he must be hungry’, get up at the same time and physically take him back? I know people have all sorts of personalities and some seem to view non issues as full on confrontations, but I can’t get my head round not picking your hungry baby up for a feed. Are they going to try to wrestle you for him?

Just get up, take baby and feed them? You're being too compliant!

Just “Oh sorry looks like he’s hungry now”

Then take him back.

Stand up, walk over with arms out saying 'OK, time for a feed - off we go!'.

You need to be confident and firm with your words and actions.

I think it might be you actually, not them. If you’re just saying, “Oh, he must be hungry,” but then just sitting there then they’re not going to get up and bring the baby over. You have to say, “He’s hungry,” as you’re walking towards them and then you reach out your arms and take the baby. You don’t just sit there meekly saying that he’s hungry. You get up and take the kid.

You just need to physically take him.

They are being a selfish, putting their own desire to cuddle a little baby over its actual needs. I might reduce visits while your baby is this young. This sort if thing really pisses me off.

Either say he needs to be fed and hold your arms out or say he needs to be fed and hand them a bottle.

My MIL used to insist that the baby couldn't be hungry. She was very keen to be the person who could settle them and was a bit exasperated when I took them back and fed them. It wasn't really a desire to help, it was a desire to prove she knew best and had great baby-whispering skills. It still needles me to remember it and mine are teenagers now! There is just something so primal and instinctive about feeding your baby, you know when they need it and someone getting in the way is very distressing. I find it easier to be assertive on behalf of my children than for myself so sometimes you just have to be really firm and direct, knowing your baby needs you at that moment.

Yes, they’re being spectacularly stupid, but you’re being far too passive. Practise one of the phrases suggested above, get up and say it as you take him from them, smiling as you do.

Yes this is my thoughts exactly that they are putting their desires before the baby’s needs.

I will take the feedback on board though and just pluck him up like a ripe little strawberry next time!

I warned my DH before the birth because I’d heard similar accounts from friends that if anyone tried to hang on my baby when s/he needed feeding there would be serious trouble, so I primed him to jump in as well.

Mil's face always looked like a smacked arse when she had to admit dc needed me and a juggle round from her wasn't enough...

I never had this issue, but I suspect that I speak more directly than some posters. Saying "oh he must be hungry" strikes me as passive enough that I can understamd why nobody was quite sure what you expected. Stand up, walk over, say "Pass him up for a feed please" with your hands out. Baby gets handed over. Feed baby. Assertive speech will help you with many things as the baby gets older, so it's well worth practicing now.

@Maray1967 I agree I am being too passive. Next time I won’t say he needs fed more than once and will take him straight away. I’m too much of a people pleaser at times but I need to continue to put my baby’s needs first!

This!

Announce that he's hungry and take your baby, nothing confrontational about it.

😂😂😂😂 wish I could pull this off 😪

If you know that the same situation is likely to arise again … then I’d advise practising what you’ll say a few times. Literally role play it with you sitting where you normally sit and imagining MIL sitting there she sits. By the time it happens, you’ll do it automatically.

No need to be nasty about it or abrupt or anything, but just say come on baby time for milk and take him. Are you sure they are not just waiting for you to take him? For everyone to be doing the same it sounds like a confidence thing with you.

I'm amazed
In my experience, crying babies are usually handed straight back.

I know what you mean - I’m always keen to hand them back! But from what some of my friends said, there can be an older woman (it was never a man) thing about trying to show the young mum how it’s done - and seriously overstepping.

@IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername they might be waiting for me to take him but surely after the mum saying a few times that the baby needs fed they should be handing the baby back to be fed? I personally wouldn’t continue to try and settle someone else’s hungry baby

I won’t let it happen again though I’ll be more direct next time and take baby back.

I dont know, if a baby was on my knee and upset and the mum was saying he needs feeding I'd be thinking well when are you going to take him and feed him then!