Not giving me my hungry baby back

[Apricottrot]

My DS is coming up for 11 weeks old and is breastfed.

Today MIL and SIL were over visiting and were taking turns of holding baby. He became unsettled and they both tried to settle him however after a couple of minutes I could tell he was hungry. I kept saying ‘oh he must be hungry’ and eventually said outright that he needs fed. They still didn’t give me him back. This has happened quite a few times, not just with them but with my own mum and friends too.

I understand that they’d like a chance to soothe my baby however I find it distressing knowing that my baby is hungry and his needs aren’t being met.

I eventually ended up just taking baby from MILs lap and fed him.

Is there anything else I could say to nip it in the bud straight away without having to take my baby from people to feed him? I don’t want to be confrontational and don’t want to be getting to the point where both baby and I are distressed.

I don’t understand why someone would keep hold of a baby who is clearly needing fed by his mum, but maybe it’s my post partum hormones…

Why would you passively wait for them to hand the baby back? Just take him! They are probably waiting for you to take the baby if he needs feeding 🤷‍♀️

@Whattodo1610 perhaps next time I’ll whip a boob out so they get the hint!

People generally try to settle a crying baby (except me, straight back to mum!), it’s a natural desire. However, if you think he’s hungry, just take him back, would they refuse?!

You just need to reach and and take your baby 🤷‍♀️

Woman up

Say : 'I'll take him'.

Then take him.

Finished.

Hungry or not, if my baby was crying in someone else's arms they'd be back with me like a shot!

Well, my mum has myriad problems.

But not handing back a hungry baby wasn't one of them. She wouldn't even hold my baby on the first visit because she remembered how her relatives kept her babies from her. Whereas MIL happily told me DS was happy with her when he was crying for me.

I think that in some cases there's an innate feeling from the MIL that her DIL isn't capable or competent, whereas the mum takes it for granted. My MIL speaks in glowing terms and detail about her son's career achievements, but as far as SIL and I are concerned, we have jobs.

My GMIL is a different story. She asks in detail about my career and achievements, and is really kind and supportive about parenting. She's an absolute gem of a woman. I get on well with MIL, but she is definitely territorial and opinionated.

My MIL was like this, still is a bit. I was unwell post birth so didn’t have the energy and my husband was a wet lettuce. She had a real issue of me holding my own baby in her presence.

When I got my strength back and confidence I was direct, whilst being polite. “I’m taking my baby back now” and “yes, he’s hungry. He wants his mother now”

The first time you assert yourself, the times afterwards are easier. After a few time, they get the memo and stop clinging onto your baby like Gollum with the ring.

OP hopefully all the assertive strategies suggested here will deal with this problem in future. But if not (they try and hang on to the baby even when you're stood there trying to take him back) I wouldn't be letting them hold him in the future, and I'd say why
'no, sorry, not when you won't give him back to be fed'

I agree with PPs saying you need to go take your baby and say it is time for a feed. You can always ask if she would like the baby back to wind if you would like to soften it/reassure her she will get a cuddle.

"I'm just going to take baby back, he's hungry/needs a change/wants mum"
It's better to be direct rather than drop hints. Hope it goes better for you next time.

Get up.

Reach in.

Take baby from their arms.

No more "I think he needs..." statements.

Say out loud, "It's time to feed him". Practice this.

They won't argue with The Clock. Helps if you look at your watch before you get up.

Better still, don't hand over the baby in the first place. Invest in a sling. Make sure baby is securely ensconced in it when they arrive, or sleeping in his cot.

Just swoop in and grab the baby.

Some people think they're toys, and/ or they are determined to outdo the mother in the settling of the baby competition.

The baby is breastfed as in the OP, dont think she can hand them the boob over.

Woman up.

Stop hinting.

As @qualifiedazure said - guessers and askers! If you're a guesser you think you're being polite, and letting other people draw the naturally correct conclusion. Askers think you're wishy-washy and can't just say what you want.

"It'll be time sort the kids' tea soon." That could be code for DH, please go and ask the boys what they want to have for tea and then start cooking it. But you're more likely to get that result if you actually say the words, otherwise the other party is perfectly correct to just think, yes, that's right, it will be time to do their tea soon, and go back to scrolling on his phone.

A very simple ‘here I’ll take him, he needs feeding’ along with you standing up/reaching over/arms outstretched to take him. It sounds like everyone was waiting for each other to make the first move .. a bit like when 3 cars approach a roundabout at the same time, each giving way to the other so no one actually goes 🤣🤣