Not giving me my hungry baby back

[Apricottrot]

My DS is coming up for 11 weeks old and is breastfed.

Today MIL and SIL were over visiting and were taking turns of holding baby. He became unsettled and they both tried to settle him however after a couple of minutes I could tell he was hungry. I kept saying ‘oh he must be hungry’ and eventually said outright that he needs fed. They still didn’t give me him back. This has happened quite a few times, not just with them but with my own mum and friends too.

I understand that they’d like a chance to soothe my baby however I find it distressing knowing that my baby is hungry and his needs aren’t being met.

I eventually ended up just taking baby from MILs lap and fed him.

Is there anything else I could say to nip it in the bud straight away without having to take my baby from people to feed him? I don’t want to be confrontational and don’t want to be getting to the point where both baby and I are distressed.

I don’t understand why someone would keep hold of a baby who is clearly needing fed by his mum, but maybe it’s my post partum hormones…

So you would keep hold of an unsettled baby, continue trying to settle them and showing that you have no intention of handing them back, rather than handing the baby back? A battle of wills?

I have realised people do not or choose not to read cues such as “I think she needs her nap” or “I think she needs her bottle”. FIL is the worst for her, he thinks he is a baby whisperer and she just becomes more and more distressed. I take them off her now, don’t be polite!

Surely it's obvious that you have to say 'he's hungry, give him to me and I'll feed him'

Not at all that's not what I said. If I had hold of a baby and his mum was saying he was hungry I'd be totally expecting you to say come on let's feed you and take him. I wouldnt just dump him back on you as I'd be wondering if you needed to get things ready and I'd assume you'd take him when you were ready to take him.

When mine were babies I wouldn't sit and wait for someone to hand them back, I'd take them when they were hungry and it was all done very politely and respectfully.

No, the poster meant they would be sat there holding baby waiting for you to take the baby. They aren't going to lob baby across the room to you when you mention food, they are expecting initiative from the mum.

If you said "oh he must be hungry" and then made no further move I'd be thinking, is she going to come and take him then. And yes, if he was upset I'd continue trying to soothe him until you did. Weird not to just take him.

@Combattingthemoaners yes I need to stop being passive and polite and just l take baby back in future

Exactly. This is precisely what I meant but I think OP thinks that this means people are being rude with her baby (to be mentioning that everyone does the same thing).

You can still take your baby back politely, no need for it to get awkward. There's a middle ground.

I wouldn’t expect anyone to ‘lob the baby across the room’ at me however I would have thought they’d acknowledge that baby was hungry and it was time to go back to mum to be fed rather than continuing trying to settle him. Perhaps it is a misunderstanding on my part though!

Just get up and pick the baby up. Remember that your babies cries are more distressing to you than anyone else. I used to feel physical discomfort when my babies cried, I don't feel the same urgency with other babies.

That’s not what she said, if the mum is sitting saying ‘oh he’s hungry’ then I too would expect that mum to come over and do something about it, you need to be less passive here - baby needs feeding, take him and feed him :)

I had this with my mum and MIL too. My MIL would sometimes actually turn away from me if I I tried to take my baby to feed. Then I'd get comments like 'I have raised my own and know how to settle a baby.' 🤨

As my kids got older, if they were hurt or tired and wanted me or their dad, she'd pick them up and say 'oh you just want nanny don't you', as they were screaming and reaching for us.

I was very firm as was my partner. My partner had a word with her on a couple of occasions without us being there, things would improve for a bit although she'd still passive aggressive, before returning to trying to not let us have our children.

Weird and made me see her less. My kids were very wary of her.

"I wouldn’t expect anyone to ‘lob the baby across the room’ at me however I would have thought they’d acknowledge that baby was hungry and it was time to go back to mum to be fed rather than continuing trying to settle him. Perhaps it is a misunderstanding on my part though!"

You're his mum and so you take the initiative when he needs feeding. Why is the onus on them to make a move?

Before I even clicked the post I knew it would be a MIL, I'm sure I'm not the only one!

i agree with one of the first commenters, go Hyacinth Bucket on them and just take him.

@ChickenandaCanofCoke because they’ve been told that the baby needs fed and personally I’d hand a hungry baby back to their mum to be fed.

It seems I may be in the minority in my thinking though!

Sitting around like a sad cushion saying "oh he's hungry" hasn't actually told people you expect them to get up and walk the baby over to you. Some might think you aren't ready yet because you haven't made a move. Many people do not feel comfortable standing up and moving around with a small baby; particularly anyone elderly, or those who are unused to small babies and holding their heads. You are the mum, it is perfectly polite for you to pick up your own baby.

I had this exact issue with ds1 and a female relative. Didn't have the same issue with ds2 as by then I knew what he needed without being told it was "just wind" and damn well (politely) took my baby back. Didn't help that she had bottle fed and seemed to think it was a personal attack that I breastfed, so was the only one who could feed them.

@GRex thats not the case with the people involved as they were walking around the room shushing him and rocking him etc. But taking everyone’s point on board that I should just take him straight away next time to make it crystal clear that he is needing fed now

I found people of older generations don;t fully understand (or agree) with the concept of demand feeding. My Mother bottle-fed us so it was all very routine, and my Mother-in-law breastfed my ex-DH but it wasn't on demand. I hated hearing anyone saying things like "he can't still be hungry" "He can't be hungry again, he's just been fed" etc.

You will only need ot do it a few times - practice in advance if you need to - but just assertively get up, say "it's time to feed you now" or some such phrase, and swoop the baby up. Do it for your baby, for your supply and for the comfort and health of your boobs!

Whatever you did today to get baby back. It may be a case of holding out your arms and being direct about it.

@SprigatitoYouAndIKnow yes! They kept telling me today he just had wind and that he kept doing burps hence why they continued trying to settle him and palmed off that he needed fed. I’ve never known him to do multiple burps…

I also have an 11 week old and agree if someone is holding DS and he starts getting hungry then I just go and take him, I don't expect him to be brought to me.

If I was holding someone else's baby I think I'd also expect them to take him rather than sit and wait for me to bring him over. I would likely ask 'do you want him back?' if they didn't make a move though.

@siblingrevelryagain that may be part of it as well as they had asked when he last fed and I said an hour ago, perhaps they didn’t believe that he would need fed again so soon (he did, and fed for 20 mins!). Will definitely be more assertive next time!

i would keep hold of the baby until the mum took them yes….I would be thinking ‘fuck me when is she going to take this baby’