'Don't wish your life away'

[moorin]

I have been told this by quite a lot of people recently. I can only think I come across as the world's biggest Debbie Downer.

I don't think I'm depressed, but perhaps more realistic. I'm 34. The reality is that I will be working for another 35 years. So working 5 days a week, with 2 days off for the rest of my life. My weekends are spent cleaning or being hounded by my kids to play. We do have a holiday each year, go out for food etc, but it's just short term enjoyment.

How do you learn to 'live in the moment' and not wish your life away when actually it's going to be a long old slog until I can retire and even then might not be quite as able bodied and can't make the most of it?

What time do you have to yourself and if that's lacking, can you do something about that

When your kids get older you will have more time for yourself.

Deff coming across as a Debbie Downer! I think a lot of people probably feel the same. How old are the kids? Do you hate your job? What do you class as 'fun' in life that's not short term enjoyment? I don't really get what you want, this is life OP

I don't know what the answer is without lots of changes but I hear you OP.

i have always wondered who the hell thought it was a good idea for us to work 5 days and only have 2 days off (I am aware others have less time off) and then the time off is just cleaning and catching up on boring stuff.

Even my 6 year old rages about school 5 days and only 2 off and who can blame him !?

I concluded that people have to live and work more at what they choose that will give them enjoyment and more love by their means. Not easy though once you are paying bills and have DC

Why do you have to work till 70 and/or only have 2 days off a week .

If you want to ,you can make lifestyle changes especially as the kids get older . Smaller mortgage/ lower overheads . The trade off from having the house/ holiday / going out to eat is the 9-5 if more time is more important work towards that

Sounds like you don’t find enjoyment in your life.

It's hard when the DC are little. Mine are grown now and I often long for those times but when I was actually going through them, it was hard.

What saved me was taking turns with DH to have a little time on the weekend to ourselves to do a hobby or class. Could you do that? I think it is important to build a little pleasure into each day, or at least week.

It's easy to be present when you're enjoying yourself.
How do you spend your evenings? Can you carve out some time to do something you enjoy say 2 evenings a week?
Can there be some tweaking to be done so that you enjoy your time with your kids?
Do you actually enjoy your holidays or can that be reworked too?
What's your social life like?
Are you getting enough exercise? Endorphins are my antidepressants.

Kids are 4 & 7, so a much easier age than they were. I do enjoy them but it just gets a bit old being followed around 24/7.

My job is fine, but also I live in a small town where my job is the best I'm going to get. I'm not high up or anything. Boss is an absolute nightmare. I could switch teams in around 6 months.

@Pandasnacks I think what I'm trying to get out of this is advice on how to live in the moment, regardless of the fact that actually life isn't all that exciting and the future looks bleak (apologies for more Debbie Downer 🤣). I have no idea what I want in this life unfortunately!!

What's the alternative? I mean, seriously and logically, what's the alternative here that allows you to live a more fulfilled life and continue to parent and provide luxuries for your children.

Once you understand the other options for you (if there are any) then you can begin to actually work around and through the problem. But right now you're just complaining and yes, being a downer. It's exhausting. I've been there.

The alternative could be as simple as doing an evening class one day a week or a yoga class every Saturday morning.

It sounds trite but be thankful for the things you can do
Notice small moments of fun or happiness rather than chasing the Big Fun
In the summer I buy a bunch of sunflowers every week for £5 and they make me happy

I can't answer on the work front, it's truly shit. When my DC have left home I'm going to downsize/relocate so I don't have to work so hard

I think you come to the realisation at some point that life isn’t all bells and whistles. You have to take the short periods of pleasure and appreciate them.
I believe that SM doesn’t help, all those postings of fabulous lives, many of which aren’t true as it’s just posed for likes.
Work out what you like, and what makes you happy.

I think the pendulum has swung a bit and we've gone from the 1950s bored housewife ( rightly) But now there is the expectation that we all work, and it's very hard to fit everything in. So the breadwinner used to come home and everything was done, but now you come home from work and there are still household chores and spending time with children that needs to happen. I don't know what the answer is, especially as you haven't mentioned if you have a partner to carry the load with you.
It's tough, this life! And in my experience, only manageable if you are very stoic or have boundless energy.

Part of it is knowing what you want and working towards that whether it be a different job, a different house, a new skill. It’s very easy to let the mundanity of it all get on top of you if you don’t have a goal or something that gives you enjoyment and a sense of achievement.

I’ve been aware that there’s not much joy in my life at the moment, so I’ve planned a couple of things to look forward to. I’m also trying to take pleasure in the small things, like walking the dog in peace, reading a good book or doing something with the kids. Yes you’re a long time working, but work is just there to facilitate the other parts of your life - the things you want to do.

It sounds like you need to carve out time for yourself, on a regular basis. You're in the trenches of motherhood at the moment, but it will get easier as time passes. But don't just wait for time to pass, do something fun, interesting, and enjoyable for yourself.

Sorry you haven't mentioned a partner so not sure if you can actually get away.

And if you can't change anything about your life, you need to start finding meaning in the mundane and practice gratitude for all you have. It sounds ridiculous but really thinking about every good thing in your day/room you're currently in/activity you're taking part in/life in general can boost your life in a positive direction.

We're bombarded with the things other people have. So focus on what YOU have. Life is 90% (or more) the mundane moments. If we don't find some form of joy in them then we all end up sad and bitter. Some people shop to fill that void with things. Some people drink. Some people take drugs. Some people meditate. Some people find God. Some people create. It's whatever works for you to get you through.

The alternative is either making major changes that may not work out or ending it all early, neither of which are good options. And I think it comes with age realising that life really is day to day routine and habits and once you look at them in the big picture it all seems a bit pointless. That's why we have to focus on the details and have things to look forward to.

Yes i agree with @DustyLee123 that you have to look for the joy in small things. Contentment is a better aspirations than happiness I think, and yeah...social media can definitely lead to comparison ( which as we know, is the thief of joy)
Best wishes Op!

As it sounds like you're actively trying to be less of a Debbie Downer @moorin you might appreciate this guy. Ive found his posts helpful

https://www.becomingminimalist.com/

If you can't change your life, then you have to work hard at finding the pleasure in it.
Try to train yourself to stop seeing life as this great expanse of sameness until you get old and die, and see it as a serise of short episodes of an hour, day, week that you make as good as you can and squeeze every drop of pleasure and positivity from. Read a good book on your commute, have a doughnut in the afternoon, make interesting conversation with your colleagues, really look at how gorgeous your kids are, their faces, the funny things they say. Make your home comfortable so it feels great to sit down there. Enjoy nature, music, art.
(I know you're probably thinking what a lot of contrived old tosh. But I was you 20 years ago, and it took me until my 50s to learn that this works.)

Definitely this. We are coming out the other side with a 22 and 17 year old. Eldest will be doing final year of University, after that, it's on him to get a job and start carving out life.

Youngest wants to do University, which will be next year. They both do their own thing and don't need or want us for entertainment.

Our free time is our own and we can do what we want. We are looking to move in the next 18 months and it will be a big one. We can decide where we want to go, without having to worry about schools, etc.

When some people say ' don't wish your life away' , they mean it gets worse. The generalisation is that people in their 30s have their health and their youth.

Is there any chance you could go part time, and have your day off just for you?
Since going 4 days a week I feel I finally have some balance (and sanity!). It's pretty tight financially but I just don't want to wait until I retire (which might be never!) to enjoy life.

OP have you looked at working 4 days instead of 5?

This would give you a whole day to yourself given your children are school age.

If you're concerned about money, remember that your take home pay wouldn't be 4/5 of your full time, it would be more than that, because of the tax free allowance and how that works, you'd actually take home more than 4/5 of your FTE.