'Don't wish your life away'

[moorin]

I have been told this by quite a lot of people recently. I can only think I come across as the world's biggest Debbie Downer.

I don't think I'm depressed, but perhaps more realistic. I'm 34. The reality is that I will be working for another 35 years. So working 5 days a week, with 2 days off for the rest of my life. My weekends are spent cleaning or being hounded by my kids to play. We do have a holiday each year, go out for food etc, but it's just short term enjoyment.

How do you learn to 'live in the moment' and not wish your life away when actually it's going to be a long old slog until I can retire and even then might not be quite as able bodied and can't make the most of it?

What makes you think that the aim of life is to be retired? What are you looking forward to doing in this mythical retirement?

I think the two things you need that might be lacking are community and purpose. Who are your friends and do you make time to see them? Nurture ways of having fun with your family - go to children's concerts or activities at the local museum. Do a treasure hunt or a family Lego building competition. Get the bus to the next town and explore it with them.

As for purpose, it could be a small project in your home (fix or improve something, plant some planters). Lots of people knit or sew to have a regular project on the go. Or you could learn a new skill (singing, painting, woodworking) take up a physical challenge, or join a community group, help out with the PTA or a charity close to your heart.

Find the job you love. I relocated for mine. I actually have no plans to retire, I love my job.
I mostly work from home which means I can quickly blitz the house in my lunch hour. Kiddo is a teen and is self-sufficient. Partner mucks in as much as he can. He also loves his job and often works 6 days a week.
Any free time is spent doing fun things. I have diverse hobbies, I am creative and run a small business in my spare time. So, technically, I have a FT job and a PT job. But I love it!
We take turns to go to the gym to look after our health, we try to get out as much as possible at weekends. The house doesn't need a lot of work as we have a fairly minimal lifestyle so weekends are for fun things. Occasionally we do allow ourselves a PJ day when we stay on a couch on Sunday and watch F1 and a couple of movies.
I go to theatre 4-5 times a year and we try to get out to the movies a couple of times a month after work.
I potter in the garden when the weather is good.
Some days are more a slog than others but this is normal.

My mum hates her job and has been looking forward to retiring since the age of 50. She is retiring in the next three years but, as far as I know, she is planning to still work a couple of days a week. She also has masses of hobbies, mostly crafting and baking. She missed out on education since having me young but has recently become interested in world affairs and is more clued up on politics than me. She loves to travel and to garden. I hope she can make the most out of her retirement.

I suggest you find your mojo now. Because it may seem like a great idea to retire early but if you have no interests, it will be as much of a slog as it is now. More so, as you will be losing social aspect of work.

As other posters have said start by being grateful. Write a gratitude journal each night. Write down everything you are grateful for like kids and family. Write down the small moments of beauty you experienced, write down funny moments with the kids, kind moments with your hubby. If you had a lovely cup of coffee take time to notice it and write that down. Look for beauty in nature, the sound of rain, the flowers that are beautiful even if they’re weeds!
Slowly you will redirect your brain to see the joy and beauty and love that you are surrounded with but don’t notice.

I hope this thread helps you OP. Good for all of us to read I think 💐

Key one: live with someone you love and see as your best friend, who is sharing the housework/childcare, and who you enjoy spending time with.
I don’t see weekdays as ‘wasted’ because we text eachother during the day, we have a nice time in the evening, etc.

Not far below: work with people you enjoy the company of. Ideally the work itself should be enjoyable but it is colleagues who will make it or break it.

Pace yourself at work. Do what you should be doing. Do it with integrity. But save some physical and emotional energy for out of work.

Have friends over to play as often as you can. The friends will entertain your DCs- and your DCs will hopefully be invited to play at others' houses, giving you some free time/ flexibility.

Look after yourself in small ways- bath/ book/ hobby/sport/interest... I love to make my coffee in the morning and take it back to bed for 20mins peace before the day starts. I've got a heated throw which I love- all year round- it's just cosy and comfortable, like a warm hug, at the end of the day.

When you're doing the cooking cleaning etc, listen to music or a podcast. Put something good on TV while you're ironing.

The 'secret' is to find the contentment in the small things, and in what you HAVE already got; not endlessly chasing some idea of magical happiness. It is so much easier in so many ways, as your kids get older.

You have six hours every day outside of work, sleeping and meals to do as you please.

How are you spending those six hours? Are you just zoning out Infront of the TV for hours in the evening which is easy to do but a waste or are you getting out and about, fitting in time to read just for yourself, encouraging your children to enjoy activities that you enjoy too?

And yes- humans really have made a bad life for themselves.

Are you a single parent? Do you not get any time off?

That is relentless!

Happiness is what we do not what we are. Ie you get happy by doing things that make you happy.

Write a list of things you enjoy/make you laugh/ things you look forward too. Plan more of these into your life.

Have a complete change, move far away, retrain for a new career, start a hobby business etc.

Without change how you feel won't change

Op I felt like that at your age, I couldn’t understand how people could accept the situation.

What I did was create a plan to get out of the rat race. I saved money, changed my lifestyle, left my job.

I have no advice to give, but want you to know you’re not alone. If I didn’t know my own username I would have thought I had written this post myself.

I'm kind of the opposite- scared of the future. I'm in my 40s. My parents etc are 70s and 80s. They are all deteriorating in various ways and are increasingly limited inwhat they can do.

Work that in mind, I'm enjoying evri minute of being fully able bodied and in control of my senses. Every run I do, every time I drive somewhere by myself, every time I play an instrument because my fingers still work, evri time I can sort my own garden or deal with an Internet/, banking issue without help, it reminds me that it's not a given that I'll be able to do this in 30 years time, so I need to make the most of it.

For me it's 3 things

1. finding a job you enjoy to a degree, no one can love their job 24/7, and I'm not saying you wouldn't still enjoy not working, but a job that you don't dread going into, that gives you some fulfilment. I actually find it's important to have your time taken up by something so you value the time off, but not to the extent you dread it.

2. finding joy in the little things. I'm sure it's been said, it's cringey I know. But it's true, it's taking stock in your day to enjoy that cup of tea, that book you've been looking forward to, your dinner.

3. always having something to look forward to, not just the big stuff like holidays, but smaller stuff in the week, we do a takeaway and board game night every month that we all enjoy, stuff like that.

My girls are 10 and 7 and since May I decided I wasn't content sitting on the sofa every evening and booked some things to do with friends and other family, including solo trip to Spain to visit family, a stadium concert again solo, paint and sip class, generally going out in the evenings more, for walks etc. DH and I are lucky his parents are great for childcare in the holidays so we've taken a day out and a weekend away for a big birthday.

I appreciate finances may not always allow, but little things every few weeks, bigger things every few months really helps me feel like I'm living.

I don’t think you’re a Debbie Downer op, you’re seeing life as it is. Everyone in your position is just tinkering around the edges just to make life palatable - it’s shit when you’re just working to exist (or it seems that way) and kids are at an age when they’re demanding 24/7.

My bit of hope for you is that kids get easier as they get more independent, if you set the groundwork and discipline now. So all the hard work with them will pay off.

The other thing that will make you completely miserable is a ‘nightmare boss’ - I have one too and it completely overtakes my whole life and outlook. Try and find another job if you can. They say a change is as good as a rest!

One day you won't have any kids to clean up after when they leave home. You could also end up alone and as a single parent. Just to put some perspective on it!

Change your job if you're not enjoying it. Is your relationship good? Does he help to clean?

Do you have a partner/ husband? I definitely understand where you are coming from- I was a single mum. It’s extremely hard work and a slog. Relentless! I used to think it would be a lot easier if I had someone to help me take the strain. Now the kids are older (early 20s). it’s miles easier. The mental pressure of having to provide for them is quite heavy. But it will pass. In the meantime do what you can to improve the things in your life that you can improve (ie job). Some periods of life are relentless there is no doubt. Fortunately it’s not usually the whole of life for ever!

Whoops sorry included the OPs post!

I get a lot of enjoyment from reading or listening to podcasts (done while I’m waiting at a kids activity). The key is to enjoy small things that you can genuinely engage with. Doesn’t matter if it’s yoga or pottery or going for a walk, kayaking. There will be something that you really like doing. Find out what that is and try to make sure you do it.

Life is full of shit you just have to do but try to make space for shit you want to do too.

Be thankful for small pleasures.

Be aware that the life you are living: own home, job, children, partner, living in a temperate climate in a stable economy is a luxury denied to many in the world.

If you don't enjoy your job, take steps to find a job you do enjoy.

Be aware that young DCs are a slog but you'll have more time to yourself when they get older.

Exercise and eat well.

Take time for fun and simple pleasures and exploring new things. Do you get time to exercise, to socialise, be creative and rest?

If not, radically change your life. In your thirties and children who are just past the toddler years, you should be at a point in your life when you can carve out more time to do things you want to do. However, you have to make it happen. It may mean negotiating with your husband so that you each get hobby time or agreeing with a friend that you will take each other's kids to give the other a chance to do something else.

Really do try as many new things as you can. They don't have to be big, little wins are just as good and can lead you to find something which you really want to do. Fun, a sense of belonging and various purposes all make life good.

Start a gratitude journal and start appreciating all you do have. I mean that kindly. You’re in the prime of your life. It doesn’t get better. savour the little things, the sunshine, beautiful trees, your children looking up at you with a smile on their face.

if you have your health and your life… that’s amazing!

something I read once was “throw yourself in headfirst. Everything can change. But only with abandon”

Like others are saying, some changes need to be made. Could you change your work hours to get an extra day off? But then, you have to decide what to do with it. I choose to work 3 days a week to spend more time with my kids, because they are small and it brings me joy (mostly...). But you could choose to do something different... Volunteer? Hobby? . I also live in a very tiny 2-bed with a tiny mortgage, so that works for me, i know its not possible for everyone. Could you rework your mortgage? Could you do a more enjoyable job if you work remotely/hybrid instead of staying within your town?

Whatever it is, I think its sad to know that otherwise relatively fortunate people are finding their lives a slog. I hope you can find a way to change it up and feel a bit more joyful about the whole experience, because is it what it is and you probably only get one shot.

My friend and colleague at work always says "I love my everyday" and I think that's how most of us get through it to be honest. It doesn't need to be all fireworks.

It used to be 6 days til the unions fought for 5

I know where you coming from Op, I think it comes down to the meaning of life in the end, I sometimes give myself a shake and say its quite a bit of luck just to be here. Go in the garden, feel the air on your skin, look at the sky and imagine the size of space out there.
Sorry its all a bit floaty but I have to take myself back to basics sometimes😁