Tired and bored with myself - ask wife to move

[Dancinginthedarkk]

I am a married middle bloke, with 2 kids.
I have been feeling tired and bored with myself, with life, and sadly with my wife.
I just feel like I am on a never ending treadmill of work, work, work. I am in a very well paid job but lost all passion for it years ago, and dread each day.

I'd really like to sell up and move overseas to semi retire, maybe Spain, Italy, Oz but my wife is aghast at the idea. She enjoys the life we have in London, she has a large group of friends and is genuinely happy.

I don't know what to do. We could sell up and move to somewhere like Brighton. I'd have enough money for school fees, new house, and maybe keep a smallish house in London. We'd be comfortable.

She isn't happy with that. She has a part time job that she could easily do somewhere else but doesn't want leave her colleagues and friends.

We both work but 90% of the joint income is from me, so she couldn't sustain her lifestyle with my job.
has anyone does this?

Well… if you can’t continue working because you can’t bear it, I think it’s reasonable to have a discussion around what else you could be doing. You can’t be expected to be miserable just to fund an expensive lifestyle.

But - uprooting everyone (in particular children) to scratch an itch… is also probably not fair on them. They aren’t bored with their lives.

Could you not downsize in London, semi-retire, and spend some time travelling instead?

By this, move where one 1 partner was supportive and the other just tagged along

Can you take a sabbatical? Or move into consultancy that you could do remotely, so you could travel while still earning?

Just trying to think of alternative options that aren't quite so "all or nothing".

Unless your mental health is being severely impacted I would say just suck it up until the kids have left school and then decide whether to move abroad (assuming you can - Brexit?)
Do you actually love your wife and want to stay with her? Or if she won't move would you do it alone?

Life is short, you need to be happy. Discuss with wife. There must be some kind of compromise.

I would try and break it down
What would be different if you moved to Brighton? Specifically. What would your days look like? How would that make you happier? It would be awful to go through the upheaval and feel the same. What were your interests previously? Do you have time together away from the kids? Can you develop your work/take it in a different direction? Might you be depressed?
Then try and sit down again to discuss with your wife and work something out.

I wonder if your wife was aghast at the suggestion, or surprised that you're struggling - have you been able to communicate with her around the 'work treadmill' thing? Is she aware that you're tired and bored and feeling stuck?

If not, then she may need some time and some longer conversations with you so you can share what's going on in your head.

You sound really down - have you considered whether you might be depressed?

An escape to a new lifestyle and location sounds dreamy, but it may be that even such a dramatic change doesn't result in the inner shift you feel is needed: you still have to live with yourself and, hopefully, with your wife and kids too.

It would probably be helpful to unpick this all with a therapist of some sort so you can work out whether it's truly the situation that needs to change, or if it's you that needs to change. Change for you could look like a new job, new hobby, new location, or even the ending of your marriage. It could also look like working on yourself, speaking up more at work so you're less stuck and getting some CPD to rekindle the passion you once had for your field, retraining for a new career, etc. There are so many possibilities to explore to you can fully consider your plan of action and gain the support you need to communicate your wants and needs to your loved ones...and to be open to hearing their responses.

Marriage is about compromise. I wonder where you will find a way through with your wife and family that will help everyone get what they need to be fulfilled and happy.

I feel really bad for you.

You need to tell your wife how unhappy you are in your job and tell her you can’t carry on the way you are.

Your life is shared. It’s not just her life to be happy with her friends. She needs to consider you aswell as herself.

My husband was the main breadwinner in his army and police careers and I’ve followed him around the world. I always took on temping jobs and had a lot of great friends. Each place I went to I made new friends but able to stay in touch with the old ones.

We’ve stayed in one place while our children finished senior school but he retires soon and we’ll move to the coast while our kids are at university.

Your wife is in a good position to travel, settle elsewhere and make new and keep old friends.

Dreading going into work each day is soul destroying.

Being that miserable at work will leach out into other areas of your life.

You can't force your wife to support moving away, and taking your children away from what they know. But you can look at a career change/dropping hours maybe downsizing your house so you can be mortgage free?

Does your wife know how deeply unhappy you are?

Change your job first and foremost, you might find it reignites the passion for working again. Or is this about salary and you couldn't earn the money you currently earn in your job? At least look.

Do not underestimate the support network of friends. As a trailing spouse I have had to leave friends and jobs behind as Dh is the main earner. However, we chose this place to stay put for the children's schooling and future job opportunities for both Dh and them to enable us to stay put. We intend to downsize and move in around 10 years but the children come first.

Also don't underestimate how stressful moving is both in selling and trying to find another property and everything aligning especially on a relocation and not knowing the area you are moving too.

Have you always lived where you are now? Semi retiring can sound fun but depending on your age it can also be a lot of time to fill. My FIL had a golden pension and has been retired a long time, way, way before 65 and he is bored shitless.

I know a few couples who have done this -
moved where the husband wanted because he was the higher earner and she earned less or was the SAHP. Guess what? No happy endings: the wife and kids were miserable at being cut off from all the connections they’d spent years building, and the husband discovered he brought all
his internal issues with him.

Definitely have a conversation with your wife about sharing the financial load, or at least helping you to reduce your workload, but you’d be much better off making your job take up less time so you can build your own social bonds. Whether it’s sports, hobbies, quiz nights or whatever, it’s 99% of the time the connections that make us enjoy our lives more, not moving somewhere that takes our fancy and having to start from scratch. Good luck, OP.

You need to look at different job options first, it would incredibly selfish to force your wife and children to relocate away from their support system because you are unhappy with one aspect of life.

I don't think you realise how expensive house prices in Brighton are. If you think you can keep a house in London, commute, and pay school fees on top of your Brighton life (not forgetting paying 2 mortgages, 2 x council tax, and stamp duty), you can easily afford to work part time in London and spend the rest of your time doing something else you like.

I've been a trailing spouse my whole marriage. We are (I'm pretty sure) the only ones still together from everyone we've met.

Moving because you're unhappy in life/relationship etc only exasterbates the problem and the wife typically ends up leaving + moving home with the kids and the father pops back periodically.

Moving within the UK and downsizing your lifestyle seems more viable and if your mental health truly rests on this, then you should tell her.

But, don't more her away from her support network and then leave her.

Being "bored" of your wife is something a move won't change.

You need to figure out exactly what you are unhappy with, you might be looking for answers to address hour unhappiness in one area by changing another (e.g. moving or changing jobs to try and feel happier when actually you are unhappy in your relationship)

It also sounds like there is an imbalance between your work/life balance and your wife’s. Could she up her hours so you can drop some?

Either way you need to have an honest conversation about how you feel.

I think there are better ways to have a midlife crisis than blowing up your children and spouse's lives. I also think that whatever you do needs to be a mutual decision (unless you're heading straight for divorce). But your opinion doesn't weigh more just because you earn more.
Honestly, start with therapy and some honest conversations with your wife. And possibly your boss.
You shouldn't have to be miserable but don't try to solve that problem by making your family miserable instead.Especially when you'll just move and discover you brought your problems with you.

The boss knows, but doesn't care. He hates his job has well, and is pretty vocal about it, but due to his financial situation, he'll continue. There isn't much consideration about employees well being; the one temporary exception was due to very exceptional circumstances.

Mybwife knows how I feel but doesn't want to discuss it. She goes from everyone feels like this to stick at it till the children finish university. She is very image / status conscious.

Well she is being unreasonable not wanting to have an open discussion, the only way to start fi ding a way to cope is talking together.

You need to review your job before you uproot the whole family. You could reduce your hours or change jobs but she'd need to step up and take on more hours, if you're contributing 90%. Sit down together with a bottle of wine and have an honest conversation about how to move forward.

Try saying "hey there baby, I could use just a little help"
I'm sure she will understand

i once told her, 'hey, you ain't a beauty, but you're alright.'

dudnt go down well

Are you bored of her/your relationship? If so, then uprooting the whole family sounds unhealthy and unfair.

I would say if you want your marriage to work, the first step would be trying a different job in the same location first.

That said, you don't sound like you like her very much.

Assuming this isn't a Springstein related wind up thread, is there a possibility that you and your boss could both leave and set up your own business? Not possible if you are surgeons though...

How old are the kids?

If they are not very old then moving countries is going to be a big change for them, once they've been in the English system for 5yrs plus it's hard to change to schools in another language unless you are looking at international schools.

Could you actually get visas for Spain or Italy? If you have eu passports not so much of a problem but if only British then you'll need either a job over there or a lot of cash for an investment visa.

I am a married middle bloke, with 2 kids.
I have been feeling tired and bored with myself, with life, and sadly with my wife.

So being bored with your wife, you want to uproot her from her support system, her friends, her job, and move the kids school. 'maybe keep a smallish house in London'. Maybe not.
Yeah, I'm on to you.