Tired and bored with myself - ask wife to move

[Dancinginthedarkk]

I am a married middle bloke, with 2 kids.
I have been feeling tired and bored with myself, with life, and sadly with my wife.
I just feel like I am on a never ending treadmill of work, work, work. I am in a very well paid job but lost all passion for it years ago, and dread each day.

I'd really like to sell up and move overseas to semi retire, maybe Spain, Italy, Oz but my wife is aghast at the idea. She enjoys the life we have in London, she has a large group of friends and is genuinely happy.

I don't know what to do. We could sell up and move to somewhere like Brighton. I'd have enough money for school fees, new house, and maybe keep a smallish house in London. We'd be comfortable.

She isn't happy with that. She has a part time job that she could easily do somewhere else but doesn't want leave her colleagues and friends.

We both work but 90% of the joint income is from me, so she couldn't sustain her lifestyle with my job.
has anyone does this?

It’s good you’ve identified you’re dissatisfied without doing something stupid like having an affair. Now that you know what you’re feeling you need to figure out why. Who are you jealous of? What gives you fulfilment? What would you like to change about yourself?

Moving city/country abruptly will not fix your problems. You need to invest some time in working out what you want and then figure out some compromises with your wife e.g. a more exotic location for a holiday/taking up a hobby/changing jobs.

I applaud you for wanting to work on your marriage, it feels like few people seem to consider that these days before throwing in the towel. But accept it involves some hard work, including difficult conversations with your wife to impart how unhappy you are and why. Might be worth talking to a therapist either alone or together.

If you've got enough money for a house in Brighton and one in London and you're paying school fees, then you have quite a lot of choice.
You have options; you could take a sabbatical, or negotiate reduced working hours/extra holiday; you could buy or longterm rent somewhere abroad; you could get a diffferent job. You don't have to be high performing and earning if it doesn't work for you. You could send your DC to state schools, you could suggest to your wife that she starts working more ( although from what you say, you could cut your income quite significantly and still stay afloat).
Talk to your wife more, tell her that things can't stay the same because you are unhappy, and that you need to forge a plan together.

When I was younger, I thought I'd get a job as a skiing instructor or windsurfing instructor. That was what I wanted to do, something simple and outdoors.
For a long time, I've felt very unfulfilled at work. There are people younger than me, who work harder, who enjoy their job. I can't explain it, it's not massively profound or deep but i really dislike my life. I have no complaints re wife, I am happy with her. Her family are old school, and it's rubbed of on her.

Over the past few years, my former managers, who were all old school english, left school at 18 and worked their way up, have retired. They would genuinely ensure there was a work life balance - most of them would never answer an email when on holidays.

They have been replaced by a younger, international group, who are completely indifferent towards anything that might hinder them - emails all hours. They are OK people, just very driven. I just feel insecure.

This summer, whilst on holidays, one pool attendant was a 19 year old girl and I thought, "shit, if I could redo it, I'd do it so differently.'

Do you think you and your wife would benefit from some marriage counselling? It might help to be able to air your different expectations and perspectives at this stage and have the chance to really listen to each other.

I think it’s good that you aren’t resigned to just being miserable though- you want to do something about it. It is quite freeing when you realise most things in life are a choice

I don’t think a midlife crisis is a negative thing and both men and women go through it.

People work really hard to build up their careers/support their families, they’ve often been married and have kids and then things start slowing down and they realise they’re simply existing rather than living.

It’s absolutely fine to decide you want more from life but lots of people often make rash decisions and it can impact family life.

I think other things should be tried first before moving everyone, like dropping a day, changing jobs, getting a hobby, getting a holiday home etc.

They don't want to move but you do. You said your are bored with your wife. She will be the same person if you move.

How would your wife feel about a holiday home abroad (if you can afford it).?That could well be a stepping stone to see whether moving permanently would work for you.

For your job, do you have any scope to compress hours so that you're only working 4 days a week? That might give you a better work/life balance (and give you more opportunity to visit the holiday home!).

So tell us who you see
when you look in her eyes
is it her, baby
or just a brilliant disguise?

If you were to semi retire, how would you spend those extra hours? Whatever it is, could you not do more of that now as a hobby? How much time and effort do you invest in your interests currently? I know my DH is guilty of not keeping up friendships properly and then moaning about never seeing anyone unless it is at (women-organised) group gatherings - does this sound familiar?
I agree with PPs that moving isn't the answer as nothing you've written suggests the location is the issue, and without their support networks you would just be adding more misery and resentment into the household from your DW and DCs. I would be trying to add things into my life that enrich it as well as exploring changing jobs. A hobby you're passionate about can make a dull job manageable. It doesn't sound like you'd be on the breadline if you were to take a step back or reduce your hours either, so that is also something to consider. You also need to have an honest discussion with your wife about your feelings, using Dutch courage or a counsellor to meditate if necessary. You need to work through solutions together and find a compromise. It is reasonable for her to reject a move away, but it isn't reasonable to refuse any change at all.

*mediate not meditate! 😂 Bloody phone...

This was before checking house prices in Brighton, but I thought I could:
work as a waiter
work as a barman
work in a garden centre / nursey
work in a zoo (volunteer first and then get a job).

I'd need to give it more of a think, it would be financially straightforward as I thought.

Ignore the stuff about the wife, I was venting. I am sure she get annoyed with me.

Could you suggest a 6 to 12 month around the world trip with the kids as a compromise your wife makes for remaining in London for the long term?

Friends did that (the DH was also unhappy) and it was a great year for them. It scratched his itch.

I definitely would not move your wife permanently away from her friendship system, which I assume has taken years to create. It would put pressure on your marriage. It is difficult to rebuild with new friends past a certain age and I think it’s healthy for both parties in marriages to have their own friends, as it makes the emotional burden of supporting each other less intense.

Such sexism on this thread from those calling this a ‘midlife crisis’.

Actually, I would. Feeling tired and bored in midlife, fed up with one's job and spouse and wanting to change everything, is classic midlife crisis symptoms. In a man OR a woman. I think many people feel a sense of ennui in midlife, and think 'Is this really all there is?', this tedious grind for 40 or 50 years, doing the same job, living in the same house, etc. That realisation that yes, pretty much, this IS it, is bloody depressing! But it sounds like the OP really needs to change his job and see if that helps.

Not going to move away. Don't want to see 3 sad faces. We will work something out for everyone.

My son aged 42 is thinking of embarking on his third career. His first earned mega bucks in the oil industry. Six weeks on, six weeks off. He'd go skiing in the winter, trecking in the summer. Bought a house we kept an eye on. Bought another house a doer upper. Then fell in love, married, had kids, quit the industry taking redundant money and bought a business. It makes money but unsocial hours and doesn't stimulate his brain. So he's starting a course in September in a completely different direction a very environment driven one.

Luckily for him his wife is 100% behind him. Maybe he'll have time for skiing again.😉