Tired and bored with myself - ask wife to move

[Dancinginthedarkk]

I am a married middle bloke, with 2 kids.
I have been feeling tired and bored with myself, with life, and sadly with my wife.
I just feel like I am on a never ending treadmill of work, work, work. I am in a very well paid job but lost all passion for it years ago, and dread each day.

I'd really like to sell up and move overseas to semi retire, maybe Spain, Italy, Oz but my wife is aghast at the idea. She enjoys the life we have in London, she has a large group of friends and is genuinely happy.

I don't know what to do. We could sell up and move to somewhere like Brighton. I'd have enough money for school fees, new house, and maybe keep a smallish house in London. We'd be comfortable.

She isn't happy with that. She has a part time job that she could easily do somewhere else but doesn't want leave her colleagues and friends.

We both work but 90% of the joint income is from me, so she couldn't sustain her lifestyle with my job.
has anyone does this?

How old are your kids? Is it a case of sucking it up for a couple more years, or a decade? TBH, your marriage doesn't sound that wonderful and your wife doesn't sound like she's very sympathetic. Do you want to stay in your marriage? Do you still love each other? You don't still want the same things, which isn't ideal. Is this a midlife crisis or something more serious?

I wouldn’t move abroad if my kids were in England, I’d assume that meant I’d barely see them

Mid life crisis?

If you’re bored with the wife and you want to live in separate places, do the classic town and country split except she stays in town and you go to Brighton. Then you can decide where you have options for where you spend weekends as a family. Alternate perhaps.

We live in separate countries, so it wouldn't be possible. Even if we both lived in London, it wouldn't be possible

I'd like everyone to go, not just me. I think, uprooting them, if wife wasn't 100% onboard, would be very unfair.

I want our marriage to succeed & don't see what it won't. Her upbring was very much "men are this, and do this, and women are this, and do this." She has a very traditional sense of family and outward appearances, but it works with the kids, and I am probably having a moan because my job is dull.

Change your job.

You are bored with your wife yet you would be happy to have her move halfway around the world with you! make up your mind. Seems there is a lot of me me me here you are bored with family life, well children aren't disposable. If it's a midlife crisis go and walk the Great wall of China go kayaking down the Amazon or do something useful like stay at home raise your children and help out a homeless shelter.

I know of various people who have semi-retired to Spain.

Frankly, after a few years, they have started to become very bored. Not because Spain is boring - it’s fabulous - but because, as semi-retired/retired expats without local roots, they have ended up with too much time on their hands and no real connection to the local community.

Some have stuck it out but I got talking to one couple who had spent about 6 years in Andalusia and were getting ready to return to the UK. Not only were they bored, they had developed drinking problems; they’d noticed they were starting to drink earlier and earlier each day and had already lost a couple of expat friends to drink-related illnesses. They were returning before that happened to them.

It sounds like the real problem here is that you have no work-life balance and you’re slogging your guts out in a job you hate. DH and I work long hours - as do many - but we mostly enjoy our jobs and have great colleagues. It makes such a difference.

It’s all very well your wife caring about appearances but she needs to increase her financial contribution if it matters that much. Far better to see if you can scale back on the expenses. It’s wrong for you to uproot your family on a whim but it’s equally wrong for your wife to dismiss your concerns.

Don't let this be your life.

The job seems to be the main issue here.

If you move house you still take you and your issues to a different place.

@Dancinginthedarkk how old are you?
How old are the children?

We sold up and did 6 months in Australia/new Zealand. Best thing we ever did. Came back energised and my husband got a new job which he much preferred.
what are your wife’s suggestions to help your outlook on life as clearly the status quo isn’t working for you. She can’t just say no/ she needs to come up with something else. Life or too short to be miserable.

My utterly miserable son got a job in Bermuda for six years. He seriously scratched that itch.

Kindly, this is a mid life crisis.
It’s very common for men to feel like this. Retirement is in sight - but still far enough away that the years to get there feel long.
You are bored, but your wife is happy.
Start doing some fun things with your wife - go away the two of you, start a new hobby together.
And for you maybe look at yourself - how can you improve yourself and use your brain? Learn a new language, get to know your children better, make your garden really beautiful. Change your job?
Or you could uproot your family - all of whom sound quite happy where they are. With no real guarantee this would improve things.
It’s you who is tired and bored. But you also seem to have many things that a lot of men would love to have - a home, a loving wife and children, a steady job. Those are things to be grateful for.

I would see a career consultant and look at your options for a new career or job. I would look for something that would give you a better work life balance. I would get some hobbies, perhaps take some time out and travel, and try to enjoy life more.

That is true, I just make everyone miserable, in another place. I need to sort out myself first.

No one needs to be miserable in their job if they have financial choices... That's just shit. You don't have to be the main earner... Why not try a really good couples therapist and see if you find a compromise... Maybe she's got a burning desire to be a high earner, maybe your kids don't need private school, maybe a new city/hobby/friends will help? Whatever, proper constructive talking/problem solving skills a good first step

What would happen if you spoke to your wife about stepping away from your job and the pressure and doing something else? It would mean a downturn in lifestyle, perhaps downsizing the house to release equity? but the pressure would be released and you’d feel better. Would she be supportive?

Are your kids in exam years? If not, I'd move them to state school and free up loads of your income. Then you can drop hours/find a job you enjoy. No need to be paying such fees when 96% of parents don't.

I can't understand not wanting to move abroad, but your wife is being very unfair not considering moving at least out to Brighton or somewhere else in the UK.
How old are your children?
If your wife is that bothered about staying where she is and her "status" then you can suggest she get full time work and you can go part time?

Bigger issue to me however is that you've told your wife you're struggling and she doesn't really seem bothered.

This could just be a midlife crisis sort of thing.

I would be very careful making such a huge life decision.
Chances are you won’t be happy in the new place either.

I would either try changing your job and/or get some hobbies so your life doesn’t revolve around your work.

Could you afford to drop a day?

Such sexism on this thread from those calling this a ‘midlife crisis’.

Would you say that to a woman in the same position? I don’t think so.

Your wife sounds totally unreasonable OP. You can’t be expected to be miserable just to fund her lifestyle.

Could you retrain? Is there anything you’ve always REALLY wanted to do?

I also think your wife is being totally unreasonable. You both have a responsibility to provide adequately for your family, but she doesn’t have the right to force you to remain in a job you hate so she can have a luxurious lifestyle.