An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

It's not necessarily the journey that's the problem though. It's the getting ready at home. Even if you pack your bag the night before, you check in the morning that you've got your work pass, tickets, or whatever. There's always something you've forgotten that you have to look for.
Maybe timekeeping is related to having an organised mind. I get sidetracked easily which doesn't help.
What I do know is it's not simple and just because one person can manage their time effectively doesn't make it easy for someone else to learn. Our brains all work in different ways.

Ha ha. On-street parking round here, so I’ve usually forgotten where I’ve parked into the bargain.

As pp have said, there's no point giving yourself an alarm or reminder if you're going to ignore it. It's not breaking your mindset.
It's like when your children go to secondary school - you pack their bag with them the night before, then it's ready. They copy that habit.
What has to do happen is practicing better self management for these sorts of events. Pack your bag the night before, for example.

Nonsense. You can "finish that email" on your phone while you're standing there!

Erm I live a rural area not in the UK. It's a 3 minute drive but a 35 minute walk up a hill that has no pavement or street lights.

No, but you do expect people with dyslexia to use the spell checker as a habit, knowing that spelling is an issue for them

Brains certainly do work in different ways, @Wordsmithery Would writing a list on paper help, then you could cross off what's done?

This is interesting cause I believe I have inattentive adhd and I'm the one who's always early. I get anxious turning up at the station with 10 mins to spare. I am always there at least 20 mins early. If I'm meeting someone in town, 10 mins walk away. I allow 15 mins and hang around for them. Same with work, like to be there at least 10 mins early, so I can sort myself out and chill. Would feel stressed if I turned up with less than a few mins to spare.

I hate being late and get frustrated by people who are permanently late. One hour to do all the stuff you had to do was always going to be cutting it fine. Gather everything you need the night before. I’d have set an alarm for 10.30 and aimed to be at the station for a full 15 mins before. I’d rather sit in the car and wait than rush for trains

I get this happen to me :

“Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.“

it’s like I think time stops at the point I think im ready to go (if I don’t look at the the clock again) but then faffing doing the last little bits I need to do to actually get out and in my head I’m thinking “it’s only 11:32 still”.

I don’t know why I think that though!

I think I need to get in my head that it takes about 10 mins from when I’m ready to get in the car, lock up, grab bag, sat nav on etc.

I have diagnosed ADHD (along with other neuro issues so I think it's part of a wider faulty brain!!) and executive functioning challenges including time blindness.

It always defaults back to this value judgement about being arrogant, and advice based on no understanding of the issue 'you just need to...'.

ADHD is often diagnosed late so these tools aren't implemented until late and it's very much is a work in progress for a lot of adults.

A lot of people don't find any difficulty with timekeeping and have no understanding.

I get it, it's frustrating when you've turned up on time etc but it's genuinely not as simple as 'i can see a solution, the fact that you can't means you value your time more than mine/the organisation's'.

It simply isn't true. That doesn't mean I don't need to try but it's more along the lines of my close friend with dyslexia doing her best and implementing strategies to read and write as well as possible. I'd never judge her for still sometimes spelling phonetically or guessing the end of a sentence.

I've got a lot better but was doing a job recentl for which I was on time mostly but not every day despite genuine, genuine best efforts. It defaulted to this value judgement on those very few days which seems pretty Victorian to me when there's a neurological reason for it and I was doing my best.

I don't mind being pulled up, I do mind these assumptions.

I agree, it sounds a bit like ADHD....

Would a visual timetable help rather than trying to hold it all together in your head?

I find it unbelievable that your morning routine takes so long.
We do
6:50 wake up
7:00 breakfast
7:15 spelling / handwriting or unload dishwasher
7:25 get dressed and clean teeth
7:40 leave the house
7:45 catch school bus
8:00 arrive at work

I actually think if things are too leisurely then you encourage faffing.

Really? 20 mins to leave house, find parking and get the train? I would be on that platform at 11:40. I would have been completely ready before starting wfh so all I had to do was pack laptop if needed.

Then have a list. Most of the time you need the same stuff when you leave, wallet, phone, keys, mints, charger, whatever. Others have mentioned having multiples of some things or a same place by the door you keep things. It's just strategies. If it's an unusual thing to remember, put it by the door or in the car when you think of it. This is not insurmountable. It might take more effort for some, or not come naturally but that's true for everyone in one way or another,, whether it's time, diet, exercise, budgeting, decorating...

I've missed flights. 2, in fact. The amount of stress, guilt and additional hassle and money required to fix these things is massive so if you're thinking that it's simply a choice that I'm making to not be on time then you're wrong.. If I could 'just' be more organised / think of things in advance that I can't make my brain think of / use techniques that clearly work for some people's brains but not for mine then I wouldn't be in those predicaments. I would do it in a heartbeat but that's not the way it works.

My life is inconvenienced waaaaaaaaay more than 'just' being late for stuff. That's just one of the ways the chaotic overwhelm shows up, but it infiltrates every facet of my life.

Right, but a 3 min drive+ 2 mins walk isn't 5 mins.
Getting into the car, locking up etc at the other end, getting your bits, getting to the platform - leave 15 mins to do all that. So time everything backwards like that, building in a buffer.

I agree it’s better to walk if you can. I’m biased as I hate cars/driving, even though I’ve driven very long distances and in cities in different parts of the world.

I find people who drive compare only the actual driving time to walking or taking a bus. They forget to factor in the faff of getting themselves ready to set off in the car, unpredictable traffic, diversions, waits at lights, driving around trying to find a parking space, then the walk from the car to the station or other destination. Once you add in all this extra time, walking can be just as quick, much less risk of unforeseen delays and much healthier, as it gets your heart rate up and you’re outside in the light and air (unless you have to walk beside a busy road of anxious drivers who’re running late!). It’s good time management as you double up a work out and MH improvement measure with a need to get from A to B.

Yeah, I recognise everything in the OP. I'm particularly pleased (if that's the right word?) to see I'm not the only one who has this weird time-warp between "I'm leaving now" and actually being out of the door.

I have identified one of my problems with time keeping, and it's the fact that I am actually anxious about leaving the house. Not in a rushing around checking things are turned off way - I can go out all day and come home to find I didn't even shut the back door, let alone lock it - but in a small animal not wanting to leave the burrow way. So I just allow myself to quickly do this and that because I just don't want to go out there, even if if I'm going out there by choice, to do something I absolutely want to do. No, it doesn't help that I know this is the problem 😕

fixed typo

I completely understand your point of view, and I think the majority of posters agree with you. I probably didn’t make myself clear in that the pottering about stuff happens because the person genuinely believes they have time to do it. Yes, I know that the answer lies in training yourself to view time differently and I’m not saying that’s not possible, just trying to explain why some people are habitually late, despite not wanting to be. I HATE putting other people out and it really does make me feel awful, which is why I try my best not to be late and constantly communicate if I do think I’m going to run late.

I’ve actually got better at being on time since I’ve had children, I think perhaps because I am more realistic about the challenges of getting all of us out of the house, so do a lot more pre planning. I’ll take some of the advice on this tread about managing time, so thanks for the posters who have offered helpful advice.

A lot of my lateness is when it’s things like catching a train, or needing to get to a shop before it closes. This of course causes stress and hassle for me, not others, but it doesn’t mean I manage to get there on time. I don’t think that can be classed as ‘selfish’ as it’s me who has to deal with the consequences!

I absolutely agree that doing nothing about it is not okay.

The thing people who aren't ND sometimes don't realise is the amount of energy it saps from a ND person to constantly be on top of things, remember all your coping strategies every day. Yes of course things are hard for NT people too, but the sheer effort it takes to corral your brain when it doesn't seemingly do anything automatically is exhausting. And the judgement just on this thread is illustrative of why so many of us are chronically anxious. We know y'all judge how we function and think we're lazy, selfish, etc.

Even when you try really fricking hard, you mask like a pro, use all the strategies, sometimes you are going to get it wrong or have a bad day and there is not a lot of tolerance for that around, it seems. If you're ND and can't function neurotypically all the time, people are just going to think you suck - even when you do try really hard.

That's hard to come to terms with. And it is, by the way, the reason why a lot of ND people stop trying. If people are going to judge you anyway, even when you do, why bother?

That's exactly it!! It's like I think time stops when I look at the clock and I feel I'm ready to go.

You kiss your dog??

So your way of thinking needs to go something like this. It was 11.32 when I started this, it must now be 11.34 and now I’ve done xyz it must now be 11.38.

In op’s case, if it was myself I would have been thinking “I am ready to go but oh dear, I haven’t got my things ready the night before and now I’m having a serious panic. I need to find my coat and shoes. I have now located my coat and shoes so it must now be 11.40. I have now put the cups in the dishwasher so it must be 11.42. I now need to look for my phone charger and umbrella… oh dear it’s already 11.42 and I should have already set off. I can’t find my umbrella… I need to look for it. Oh here we go, it’s 11.46! I should have been on my way to the station ages ago! I know let’s just kiss the dog and give her a treat! Oh fuck I’m now surprised it’s 11.47”!

I don’t understand how someone could possibly think it would be still 11.32 after doing all that.

I think may people are well aware that if they are late it impact other people. Its internal urges that make you do other things while getting ready which are stronger than your racional mind. Similar to urges that make me not eat or drink if I am working.