I don't want to be a carer

[Annonembarassed]

Younger sibling has extreme physical and mental disabilities. Lives in supported living but with health deterioration this looks unlikely to be available long term.
Other option is care home.
Other sibling has said this won't happen and she will give up her job to care.
Implied I will be expected to help 50%.
I don't want to be a carer.
I think there are other options to explore.
She says I am selfish but she is making the decision regardless of my views.

Not everybody is cut out to be a carer. You can’t feel bad about that. If your other sibling feels able to take on the caring role, they need to be clear from the outset what you can and cannot do to help. Eg. Can you sit with the other sibling for a few hours once or twice a week to give them some respite?

She doesn’t get to dictate whether you will care for someone.

you simply say, no it doesn’t work for you, if you want the responsibility then that’s fine, but I’m not committing to that, so if you have them at your home then that’s your choice

Don't do it. My sibling likely will need care. I've made it clear they are not living with me and my parents completely support me.

If she wants to do it that's her choice but she cannot make your decision for you

Tell her that you won't. E changing her mind and if she wants to dedicate her life to caring for your sibling then fair play to her but you won't be getting involved
I wouldn't care what she calls me. .

Don't do it.

Be very clear that you will not be involved in any future caring responsibilities for your younger sibling.

Your other sibling has no agency over your choices. They are free to choose to do whatever they want, but not to tell you what to do.

You might have to grow a thick skin if this goes down badly, but it's not your problem. Ignore any attempts at emotional blackmail.

Being a carer really does suck the soul out of you.

there are a number of people in my family who are full time carers and live with the person they care for.

each one is very depressed, feels stressed with outside resources who are suppose to support, yet it’s like getting blood from a stone. They both feel bogged down with the responsibility and day to day needs, and feel there is no way out.

in both my relatives cases, it’s their children that need caring for so they don’t feel they can diminish responsibility, but it doesn’t stop them wishing they had a better life.

Your other sibling doesn't get to say what you will and won't do. If you feel you can help then please do, but your other sibling obviously is very unwell and needs proper care from someone with experience, if you get dragged in you're not going to offer quality care. It's not a criticism Op, I looked after my DM in many ways but I wouldn't do personal care

YANBU and I say this as someone with a sibling who requires 24 hour care that is not provided by family but even with this high level of support there is a lot we need to think about and do.

it’s lovely that your sister feels she can take this on but she cannot sign you up to it as well. I really do understand the desire to support your sibling but I would take on caring responsibilities as an absolute last resort.

I don’t think you’re being selfish. I would arrange a meet up with your other sibling - just the two of you. Then make it really clear that you won’t be taking on a caring responsibility / providing respite for your sibling at all, if they take on the caring role themselves.

Then your sibling can make a decision based on whether they want to care for your other sibling 100% or not and are not under any illusions you will step up.

I understand why you don’t want to take in the care of your sibling. It would be a massive, never ending responsibility, a huge sacrifice and you’d likely end up resenting them. To care for someone with lots of needs you need to want to AND be able to meet their needs.

You could ‘compromise’ by promising to help choose a care home when needed, moving them in and getting them settled and promising to visit them every week / two weeks / month (whatever is feasible for you). However, if your sibling is hell bent on being a carer and can’t do it without you, I’d be prepared for your relationship to cool / break down. However, being forced to care for someone against your wishes will likely lead to lots of resentment and relationship break downs / fallouts so…

A really hard situation OP, good luck x

Are your parents dead ? What was their plan?
My son won't live unsupported but I will never expect my dd to care for him!
I will have a plan for when I'm not here !

The better option is possibly the care home with some support from the family.

My mum was putting pressure on me to take over full time care of my sibling. At the time I had a toddler and a career, my sibling required full time care for their mental and physical disabilities. She would not accept that I would not and could not do it, having been raised always being second to my sibling’s needs, I did not want that for my child. I told her to put him in a care home while it was still her decision to make. Unfortunately, her health took a serious turn for the worse and he had to go into a home.
my mum and I no longer speak, and my sibling is in a lovely home where he is visited regularly.

Absolutely this

Your sibling doesn't get to make choices on your behalf, but the only thing I'd add is to make your position very clear quickly so she can't plough ahead and then say "But I thought you'd help ..."

YANBU. You need to be very very clear with your sister that she is welcome to make whatever decisions she wants for her life, but that you won't be able to offer any more than xyz, and then stick to that.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Your sister doesn't get to dictate your life and you have your own life to live. Being a carer for someone with such complex needs can be totally all consuming, it's a big ask for anyone to give up their life to care for their sibling.

I worked in a care home for adults with learning and physical disabilities and honestly they aren't all awful. The people I supported had their own bedrooms decorated how they wanted, opportunities for all sorts of social and recreational activities, input from professionals and trained dedicated staff. In most cases their needs were probably met better in a care home than at home cared for by family who were close to burnout.

would a care home not be a better choice? More social stuff, better medical care?
Maybe I’m being naive here, but I think I’d prefer to be cared for by someone other than my sister.

I do not blame you at all OP, and your sister is playing it all wrong to guilt trip you into agreeing.

Your dependent sibling needs a proper care plan, especially if their health is deteriorating. It is all very well assuming that families will do all the care necessary for elderly and disabled, but there comes a point when it is so all consuming that it just cannot be managed in a domestic situation. Sometimes people don't actually want to be cared for by their close family, and say it spoils the relationship to be so dependent.

You need to work together to find the best, and most practical, solution for all of you.

This is something I’ve debated given my dm’s age. However, it isn’t realistic: how would you afford to live? I think you need to make it clear to your dsis that you will not be doing the same as her. You may find your mum, much like my neighbour, changed the will in favour of the adult child who moved in with her to look after her full time and this is something you might need to be prepared for.

This is why i think the coercive control laws need to be expanded

YANBU, and you need to tell your sibling explicitly that not only will you not be providing 50% of the care, you won't be providing any of it.
It might be an idea to start looking at homes now to see what is likely to be available, and maybe to show that actually the sibling who needs care might be happier in a home , where it is set up to help with disabilities, where there is company, and trained staff and appropriate facilities, than they would be in a flat with only one person to rely on.

Unfortunately people who haven’t had to undertake the role themselves or don’t have close relatives undertaking the unpaid carer role they have no idea what it actually entails. They don’t understand the daily grind on a never ending hamster wheel - same routine everyday and no respite because the social service offering is inadequate - regardless of what they are supposed to provide.

If there is cognitive impairment it’s even worse as it’s difficult to feel if the caree understands and can communicate , making life very lonely. Physical disabilities mean manual lifting / handling - it’s hard graft.

Everything is a struggle to get the right support and the never ending hospital visits etc. Money is tight because the unpaid carers allowance is minimal and to be eligible you can’t earn more than a penny over £151 after tax it get deducted. Kiss goodbye to any respite unless you can pay for it yourself. While you do it for one you love - a DP or DC it’s not something everyone is cut out for and it’s bloody soul destroying, stress inducing with depression and anxiety are also high on the list. You can’t go home at the end of your shift either because it’s 24 x 7. Try looking after someone when you are ill yourself, you can’t just take a couple of hours out because you have a headache, or toothache or worse - you have to plough on.

Not everyone is cut out to do it ( and it’s a shame in this country we don’t recognise caring as a valued profession, because it is ) and there is no problem in you being honest with your sibling and telling them you won’t be able to help.

While I’m sure the suggestion is meant with the best of intentions I suspect they don’t really understand what it will mean in real terms and the impact it will have on their daily life. Perhaps you could share some of these posts with your sibling to make sure they really understand what it will mean when you sit down to talk to them. From your description it sounds like you would both be better putting your efforts into finding a suitable care environment. If they have less than £23,500 or so in savings LA support should be available to cover costs.

Good luck with your chat , but for your own sake, family and sanity stick to your guns.

Don’t do it.
I have 3 dds aged 16,14, 9. My middle dd will need lifelong care, I’m currently her carer and as much as I adore her, it’s back breaking and you need the stamina of a pit pony combined with the patience of a saint.
There is no way I would want or except my other dd’s to take on the responsibility for their sister to that extent if I am not able in the future, something else will have to be sorted out.
Love your sister, be the best sister you can be, but your life is equally precious and that means just be a sister that’s on the ball, loving and inclusive but not a carer to her.
Good luck to you all x

Yanbu. And I say that as the parent of a child who will very likely need long term care. I have already made clear to their older siblings that they are in no way responsible for their brother, that when I am unable to care for him myself he will have to go into a home because they need to live their own lives. Obviously I hope they will visit and make sure he is being looked after properly, but I really don't want any of them to consider caring for him themselves.

I’d rather that a martyr tell everyone I’m selfish than be a martyr telling everyone how much better I am than they are.

Hope you dont mind but im going to borrow that,