I don't want to be a carer

[Annonembarassed]

Younger sibling has extreme physical and mental disabilities. Lives in supported living but with health deterioration this looks unlikely to be available long term.
Other option is care home.
Other sibling has said this won't happen and she will give up her job to care.
Implied I will be expected to help 50%.
I don't want to be a carer.
I think there are other options to explore.
She says I am selfish but she is making the decision regardless of my views.

I have a list of people that are approaching needing 24/7 care. I help out now but I am not going to get any more involved as even part-time is enough for me and my MH.

Your sibling will not be able to manage even half-time. You need a team managing that level of care.

Be their sibling, be their advocate but if you don't want to be their carer you are entitled to not be.

I would just say no, it's not for lots of us.
That's what professionals are for and probably better for your sibling xx

You'll have to be firm even though it's emotive. It's your life. I couldn't be a carer and I only have minimal experience of what it entails. My own mother (nurse) couldn't do it for her mother as she was aware of the reality that she couldn't lift her etc etc. I know one man who was expected to care for a sibling whose condition made him violent and it nearly ended in tragedy. The care home was such a better solution for all parties in that scenario. They aren't all like grim cruel institutions. Many times they are in fact a kinder choice for proper care than remaining in the home. And what would be the plan for your sibling should you and your sister pre-decease him? It would need planned anyway just in case.

Are your parents still around? Did they make plans, state intentions, wishes etc?

Parents I've known with similar children have made plans etc to help spare their other children from long term carer situations.

I'd also write that there are care homes and there are care homes. They differ and just because some seem to be dire doesn't mean that all are.

My 93 yo mum has recently gone into care. My B and I felt a bit of failures that we couldn't keep her at home but in reality, and on reflection, her changing needs were getting beyond our abilities. (Alzheimers)

Been to see her today...... happy, settled, eating better.

I admit there is a bit of perceived shame in 'putting him into care' But those that make those sort of judgements aren't those cleaning shit at 6am, dealing with fights, feeding etc etc.

All the best.

Caring is certainly not for the weak. I currently do a set amount of hours in a care home and fuck me it’s hard. It can be draining and overwhelming, I’m on anti-depressants and short time sleeping pills just to get over it- and that’s not even 24/7 unpaid care like some of you are doing. I couldn’t bloody imagine having the responsibility of living under the same roof as the individual you’re taking care of!

(And yes, off topic but I’m desperately trying to find a way out.)

OP please stand your ground and say no. If you accept then it WILL be very difficult to get back out. Mental health care, prescriptions etc etc are sparse enough as it is in a formal care setting, I couldn’t dream of even attempting to sort it out in your own time and home. That, but also potential total loss of your freedom 😞 x

That makes absolute sense.

Have very similar situation. Grandmother is 98, dm siblings refuse to let her go into a home, go to respite care or even have carers in to help certain days of the week but then dictating what my dm should do. Several 24 hr shifts in a row. But dm is 70 and has had her 4th round of heart surgery last year!! Argh

For the last poster here you need to tell DM siblings that your 70 year old mother is no longer able to look after her 98 year old mother. Remind them she has had her 4 th heart operation and tell them it time to arrange careers for a 98 year old.

It's insane that they won't "allow" carers. Are they trying to save money, I wonder?

There was an overlap with caring for my parents and my husband and I only managed because we organised carers for my parents.

No you should not be guilt tripped into being a carer. Her life her choice, your life your choice,

So don't be a carer.

The only person who can force you into this is you. No matter how much anyone else tries to guilt you etc, you're the only one responsible for this decision.

So just say no, and ignore any backlash.

This.
You need to be explicit.
Text her this too in a polite but firm way so that she can never say she wasn't told explicitly.
You can say that while you absolutely respect her decision to be full-time carer to your sister, due to your circumstances you will be completely unable to contribute.
That for this reason you believe a care home would be best, however you will respect her preference whilst having absolutely NO involvement.
Do not be bullied by her.
Her wishes do not trump yours.

I appreciate this is an emotive subject for some but ultimately the choice is yours to make.

I’m always stunned people are quite happy to decide something so massive for someone else.

A relative of DH was cared for by another relative until they died. There was then a lot of time wasting as relatives tried to push the responsibility of their care onto someone else (including DH and myself, hundreds of miles away, jobs and small children) anything to stop them going into institutional care. Which they did eventually and it was the best place for them and they were the happiest they’d ever been with the correct care.

I know someone who plans to take their sibling when her parents die. It’s a ridiculous idea on her part, the sibling needs 24 hour care. She has 3 children of her own and even if they are adults by then will not be able to do anything with them, her parents have never been to visit her ever, she always has to go to them. It’s a choice that will harm her own children.

Please look into Shared Lives if you're in the UK. Very different than a residential home.

Some people get it in their heads that they are somehow a saint or doing their duty or whatever by caring for a relative. Brag about it to others etc.

Others genuinely feel they can provide the most love and think that's the save as care.

When the reality is that the person would actually have received better care in a facility set up to deal with their particular needs.

If you could sit down and look at options you may find there are some which seem good and worth looking further into.

Not selfish at all OP. Being a carer is a 24/7 job. How does your other sibling see this 50% working? Are they suggesting you move in half the time or sibling with care needs moves in you?
I would definitely be looking at other options.

If your sibling goes into a care home with round the clock care and it's a decent home then why can't it be a mix of the home and then your other sibling and you if you feel you can taking your sibling out for pub lunch or shopping etc.
We had a younger adult in a care home I worked in and she was often out with someone or visiting which meant they could enjoy those outings with her as family not an exhausted carer and the bulk of the physical care was done in the home.
But no don't be brow beaten into anything.

Put it in writing and keep a copy, signed and dated.

Just as an after thought Op, I wonder if your sibling would be happier in a care home? If they're non verbal and immobile then they really aren't having any kind of life at home seeing just one person- maybe in a care home they'd have some different people around them, a chance to have some sort of social life as far as their disabilities allowed? It's sad that their life has been so limited, if it's possible to give them more surely that's a good thing?

Why refuse professional trained people?

I agree with sitting down with her and being very clear.

i would not take this responsibility on either - you have your life to live.

How is the decision being made? Are social workers or medical professionals involved?

You must be clear and firm with professionals and your sibling that you are not able to help. Be firm and insistent from the outset.

DM went through this, she wanted us to care for my aunt with dementia. My aunt barely slept and would let herself out and wander outside- it was dangerous. She ended up in hospital after a fall, after a long time (due to DM fighting to keep her) she moved to a care home.
DM broke her foot shortly after, so any ‘care’ would’ve had to be provided by me- for both of them had DM had her way.

My aunt loved the care home, lots of visits, friends, trips, a very loud tv room! lovely food, hair done, feet done, DM made sure my aunt had new clothes. My aunt would say “this is a great hotel”. She was so happy and never stopped smiling (We never told her it was a care home.)

"He is non verbal, immobile, struggles with food, incontinent and stubborn so fights against you."

He needs a team of trained carers. Even if you wanted to do it, you and your sister being the carers wouldn't work.

There are so many factors. Financial, relationships, personal safety. Don’t get forced.