I don't want to be a carer

80 replies

Annonembarassed · 26/08/2024 18:27

Younger sibling has extreme physical and mental disabilities. Lives in supported living but with health deterioration this looks unlikely to be available long term.
Other option is care home.
Other sibling has said this won't happen and she will give up her job to care.
Implied I will be expected to help 50%.
I don't want to be a carer.
I think there are other options to explore.
She says I am selfish but she is making the decision regardless of my views.

OP posts:

saraclara · 31/08/2024 06:56

How is Dsis planning on supporting herself and him? If she gives up her job, where does she see an income coming from? Does she have a mortgage? Is she single? How old is she? How does she see her capacity to have/maintain relationships of her own? What is her response when you point out that there's no room for the equipment her needs? How will she manage lifting and handling on her own?

She's being astonishingly naive.

Fedup92 · 31/08/2024 07:16

Aligirlbear · 26/08/2024 19:35

Unfortunately people who haven’t had to undertake the role themselves or don’t have close relatives undertaking the unpaid carer role they have no idea what it actually entails. They don’t understand the daily grind on a never ending hamster wheel - same routine everyday and no respite because the social service offering is inadequate - regardless of what they are supposed to provide.

If there is cognitive impairment it’s even worse as it’s difficult to feel if the caree understands and can communicate , making life very lonely. Physical disabilities mean manual lifting / handling - it’s hard graft.

Everything is a struggle to get the right support and the never ending hospital visits etc. Money is tight because the unpaid carers allowance is minimal and to be eligible you can’t earn more than a penny over £151 after tax it get deducted. Kiss goodbye to any respite unless you can pay for it yourself. While you do it for one you love - a DP or DC it’s not something everyone is cut out for and it’s bloody soul destroying, stress inducing with depression and anxiety are also high on the list. You can’t go home at the end of your shift either because it’s 24 x 7. Try looking after someone when you are ill yourself, you can’t just take a couple of hours out because you have a headache, or toothache or worse - you have to plough on.

Not everyone is cut out to do it ( and it’s a shame in this country we don’t recognise caring as a valued profession, because it is ) and there is no problem in you being honest with your sibling and telling them you won’t be able to help.

While I’m sure the suggestion is meant with the best of intentions I suspect they don’t really understand what it will mean in real terms and the impact it will have on their daily life. Perhaps you could share some of these posts with your sibling to make sure they really understand what it will mean when you sit down to talk to them. From your description it sounds like you would both be better putting your efforts into finding a suitable care environment. If they have less than £23,500 or so in savings LA support should be available to cover costs.

Good luck with your chat , but for your own sake, family and sanity stick to your guns.

I agree with all of this.

Nobody can force you to do this. Don't feel bad because you don't want to do it. Make it very clear you don't believe helping. Caring is an enormous undertaking, especially if you have children yourself. It's unfair of anyone to assume you'll do it.

Goldbar · 31/08/2024 08:01

Do you have children?

I'm not saying that if you don't, you should be forced to be a carer against your will, but if you do have children, it would be an immediate and absolute NO from me, no discussion, because of the impact it would have on them. Although of course even if no kids, it's not something you should be pressured into against your wishes.

SphinxOfBlackQuartz · 31/08/2024 11:10

Not only do you have every right to say No for your own sake, you also can say No for your disabled sibling's sake - they deserve better than to be cared for 50% of the time by someone who really doesn't want to do it. That's not fair on either of you.

grumpygrape · 31/08/2024 11:14

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 26/08/2024 18:41

Being a carer really does suck the soul out of you.

there are a number of people in my family who are full time carers and live with the person they care for.

each one is very depressed, feels stressed with outside resources who are suppose to support, yet it’s like getting blood from a stone. They both feel bogged down with the responsibility and day to day needs, and feel there is no way out.

in both my relatives cases, it’s their children that need caring for so they don’t feel they can diminish responsibility, but it doesn’t stop them wishing they had a better life.

This.

My husband has Alzheimer's

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