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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another driving one - my DP can drive but chooses not to

54 replies

Medievalwindow · 26/08/2024 15:38

My DP was ‘pressured’ in his words, into doing his driving lessons and test. He is actually a good driver and he passed first time (unlike me who took 3 attempts).
When we first got together he would drive us around now and again, he would also share the motorway driving with me and when we had our son, I had a c—section so he had to drive us for at least 5 weeks.

Since lockdown (not sure if coincidence or not) he hasn’t wanted to drive at all and every time I bring it up he says he can’t do it.
So I am designated driver at all times.
I asked him what would happen if I couldn’t drive for some reason, due to ill health or whatever and he said we just wouldn’t drive then. He cycles everywhere and is adamant we’d be fine just getting public transport, however we live in a semi rural area of West Yorkshire and the transport system isn’t that great at all. For example it would be two buses to visit his parents/my in laws.
I feel that being able to take our son to visit places and go to clubs during school holidays and at weekends is one of the perks of being able to drive and having a car, but I’m exhausted being the one to drive all the bloody time 😭

I’ve suggested he goes to a therapist for possibly CBT about this issue, but he keeps saying he doesn’t have any time because of work. Despite the fact I’ve said they can sometimes accommodate evenings. It just feels like constant excuses.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LargeJugs · 26/08/2024 15:40

If it's putting on you ... then it's an issue

Aligirlbear · 26/08/2024 15:43

Well I would continue driving for you & DS needs but anything for DH suggest he goes by public transport or on his bike ! Decline to give him a lift if he asks. I know that not all drivers like driving but they are usually fine with local journeys and taking a turn on longer trips.

It sounds like he does need so therapy as there is clearly something causing this block, all you can do is keep encouraging him and not being his unpaid taxi driver

Milkandtwosugarsplease · 26/08/2024 15:48

It’s very selfish. I don’t love driving either but I do it because it’s much more convenient for my family and I. Definitely stop driving him around and tell him how much pressure it puts on you. The fact that he drove after your C-Section tells me he just doesn’t want to, rather than there being a big issue.

angellinaballerina7 · 26/08/2024 15:53

YANBU. He can help and is choosing not to.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 26/08/2024 15:55

Bus for him. Every time.

Bankholidayhelp · 26/08/2024 15:55

He's not been banned has he and just not told you?

Notstrongandstable · 26/08/2024 16:00

I also passed my test first time but am an incredibly anxious driver. I am also a good driver.
If he's anxious about it it's not as simple as people think to just get on with it, or get over it. It's quite debilitating and I'm sure nobody wants to be like that. I know I don't.
Have you had a conversation about why he doesn't want to drive? Anxiety/environmental concerns, whatever it is?

HavfrueDenizKisi · 26/08/2024 16:03

Well I agree with pp, allow him to use public transport if he needs to get somewhere like visiting his parents on his own etc. Do not offer to drive him if it doesn't suit you.

I mean yes he may be anxious but refusing to discuss or seek help is the problem too.

angeldelite · 26/08/2024 16:03

Aligirlbear · 26/08/2024 15:43

Well I would continue driving for you & DS needs but anything for DH suggest he goes by public transport or on his bike ! Decline to give him a lift if he asks. I know that not all drivers like driving but they are usually fine with local journeys and taking a turn on longer trips.

It sounds like he does need so therapy as there is clearly something causing this block, all you can do is keep encouraging him and not being his unpaid taxi driver

This.

Decline his lift requests and he still needs to take DS to half of the activities by public transport.

If he won’t get help them he needs to take half the burden.

Sirzy · 26/08/2024 16:06

Nobody should be made to drive when they don’t want to.

you shouldn’t feel forced to go out of your way to play taxi for him though.

Biggaybear · 26/08/2024 16:06

I dont see an issue here. You can drive so just do so. It doesn't seem that you are doing hours long journeys every day. Are really saying its tiring to drive your children to play centres ?

Ye gods. What sort of people are we raising these days. Grow a backbone & crack on with life

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 26/08/2024 16:09

Or grow a backbone and drive your dc to school /activities when you have a licence?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/08/2024 16:10

Medievalwindow · 26/08/2024 15:38

My DP was ‘pressured’ in his words, into doing his driving lessons and test. He is actually a good driver and he passed first time (unlike me who took 3 attempts).
When we first got together he would drive us around now and again, he would also share the motorway driving with me and when we had our son, I had a c—section so he had to drive us for at least 5 weeks.

Since lockdown (not sure if coincidence or not) he hasn’t wanted to drive at all and every time I bring it up he says he can’t do it.
So I am designated driver at all times.
I asked him what would happen if I couldn’t drive for some reason, due to ill health or whatever and he said we just wouldn’t drive then. He cycles everywhere and is adamant we’d be fine just getting public transport, however we live in a semi rural area of West Yorkshire and the transport system isn’t that great at all. For example it would be two buses to visit his parents/my in laws.
I feel that being able to take our son to visit places and go to clubs during school holidays and at weekends is one of the perks of being able to drive and having a car, but I’m exhausted being the one to drive all the bloody time 😭

I’ve suggested he goes to a therapist for possibly CBT about this issue, but he keeps saying he doesn’t have any time because of work. Despite the fact I’ve said they can sometimes accommodate evenings. It just feels like constant excuses.

AIBU?

Just don't visit your in laws or go anywhere that he wants to go and you don't particularly.

Sirzy · 26/08/2024 16:11

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 26/08/2024 16:09

Or grow a backbone and drive your dc to school /activities when you have a licence?

But why should anyone drive if they don’t want to? Why pressure someone into doing something they aren’t comfy with?

some people just aren’t drivers and it’s much better for them to say that than to be on the roads when not safe/confident to be on the roads.

VenusClapTrap · 26/08/2024 16:15

DH isn’t very good at driving and used to hate it, so I did all the driving unless there was a reason he absolutely had to. Then we got an electric car, and it’s so easy to drive that he’s now happy to use it and do a fairer share of the driving.

SkeletonBatsflyatnight · 26/08/2024 16:16

We're in a similiar boat. Passed first time and am apparently an excellent driver but personal experience means the thought of driving makes me want to puke. I'd rather never go anywhere ever again than drive. It's caused arguments at home and I know my kids would prefer it if I drove but I physically can't do it. I have had therapy. It made zero difference.

You can't nag someone into therapy or into driving. It has to come from them. Maybe start with why he thinks he was pressurised into taking lessons and a test in the first place.

Cosycover · 26/08/2024 16:16

I have major driving anxiety so I can see his side.

Is this his issue too?

My husband does the majority of the driving because I just work myself up so much and he is fine doing it, so he does.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2024 16:20

My dad hates driving and always did. Mum forced him and he spent decades doing it but very badly and under sufferance. If he's a great partner in other ways, meeting and exceeding 50% of the housework and child rearing, I'd let it go. But then, I love driving.

Anything you hate that you could download to him? Ask for a compromise.

SmudgeButt · 26/08/2024 16:20

Different situation with us - we both really like driving, no problem with long distance, motorway, city, Europe. But.

OH has been getting a bit weird with his driving. Stops at a roundabout when he has the right of way, doesn't always know which way to get to things we've gone to a zillion times.

He's had some health issues which means that he knows he needs to drive less than previously so I'm happy to take over but the whole thing is worrying. I don't believe it's something really serious like alzheimers, more likely something wonky with his meds. All a bit carpy.

AutumnFroglets · 26/08/2024 16:24

My next door neighbour got driving anxiety after lockdown and refused to drive. She overcame it by have refresher lessons with a lovely and sympathetic driving instructor who took her on dual carriageways, motorways and little country lanes as well as town driving.

She's so glad she did that as her DH has had a couple of heart attacks and can no longer drive. She only drives to/from supermarkets and the hospital or GP but the point is, she drives. Instead of therapy would your DH do refresher lessons?

CruCru · 26/08/2024 16:25

I will say that I know many people who don’t drive - but that is fine because they live in the centre of cities. It sounds as though this won’t work where you live.

I will admit that I have some anxiety about driving. Partly because, if anything doesn’t go well, I really dwell on it and assume it’s because I did something stupid. It doesn’t help when my passenger criticises.

One thing that helped me is to drive little and often. A short journey with a non-horrible parking episode is a confidence booster. My husband’s car is a nice, new one and my car is an ancient hatchback with battered wheels (they were scraped to bits when I bought it). It really helps to drive my car because I know no one will be upset if a stone flies up and scratches the wheels.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/08/2024 16:29

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him not wanting to drive, but I also don’t think it’s fair that you pick up the slack. I have a friend who can drive but chooses not to, her and her partner have a shared family car and he can drive but doesn’t like to drive all of the time. It’s not fair or safe to force someone to drive but it’s also not fair for the other to do 100% of it to compensate so it means they sometimes use public transport, if going on a long trip they’ll get a train or fly rather than drive so it’s not a huge burden etc

Badgerstmary · 26/08/2024 16:33

Definitely give him a choice. Let him catch public transport to visit his parents or see a councillor.

Keepchangingyourname · 26/08/2024 16:38

I have to say I hate driving too , and find the roads are so so busy - I think there has been a big increase in just the last 20 years that I have been driving, to the point where I will only drive if I absolutely have to. I will also put off trips if dh can come with us later on for example.

having said that , if I neeeeed to go somewhere, or dh is working, I will drive .

Since my husband became a bus driver the kids have all had free passes , I do even less trips

my car is also a little Vauxhall Astra and it’s so uncomfortable it’s untrue.

I understand your dh point of view, but if it inconveniences you then you need to chat to him about it

Happiestathome · 26/08/2024 16:44

I became more anxious with my driving over covid times. I am very slowly building back up. I do feel like I hate driving currently and would be happy to never drive again. I do have general anxiety. That’s not the case though, as I drive most days locally. If it’s really bothering you then you will need to decide how far you take things in terms of ultimatums. My husband is happy to drive, but if he was telling me he wasn’t, then I’d have to look at what I can do to change, as obviously I would never want to lose him or be making him so unhappy.