Another driving one - my DP can drive but chooses not to

[Medievalwindow]

My DP was ‘pressured’ in his words, into doing his driving lessons and test. He is actually a good driver and he passed first time (unlike me who took 3 attempts).
When we first got together he would drive us around now and again, he would also share the motorway driving with me and when we had our son, I had a c—section so he had to drive us for at least 5 weeks.

Since lockdown (not sure if coincidence or not) he hasn’t wanted to drive at all and every time I bring it up he says he can’t do it.
So I am designated driver at all times.
I asked him what would happen if I couldn’t drive for some reason, due to ill health or whatever and he said we just wouldn’t drive then. He cycles everywhere and is adamant we’d be fine just getting public transport, however we live in a semi rural area of West Yorkshire and the transport system isn’t that great at all. For example it would be two buses to visit his parents/my in laws.
I feel that being able to take our son to visit places and go to clubs during school holidays and at weekends is one of the perks of being able to drive and having a car, but I’m exhausted being the one to drive all the bloody time 😭

I’ve suggested he goes to a therapist for possibly CBT about this issue, but he keeps saying he doesn’t have any time because of work. Despite the fact I’ve said they can sometimes accommodate evenings. It just feels like constant excuses.

AIBU?

Does this mean if say you go to his parents for lunch, he always has a glass of wine with lunch but you don’t because you are the driver?

I do think you need to have a serious conversation about moving house. Given he won’t drive, then you need to arrange your lives in a way that allows for no driving.

@Medievalwindow

Drive where and when YOU want to. If you don't want to drive somewhere, then don't. After all, that's what he's doing. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

If he wants to take DC to see his parents, let him take himself and DC on the bus and you stay home. Or tell him that if he wants to see his parents then he'll be doing the driving, end of.

I live where 'car is king', DH and I both drive, but DH usually does the driving because he thinks he's a 'better driver' than me (he's not). But lately he's been either asking me to do the drive or if it's a place primarily for me saying that I'll need to do the driving. I have no problem with that. Driving should be a 'shared chore' just like everything in a marriage.

Obviously if there is a real reason why someone absolutely can't drive that's a horse of a different colour. But if they could drive and simply choose not to or choose not to get help and work to get over their fear, it's not up to drivers to facilitate them getting about.

My brother-in-law can drive but doesn't. One, they live in London so can and do manage a lot by public transport. Two, he's colourblind and when he moved to the UK found he really couldn't manage traffic lights here (the places he'd driven previously, in two different countries, had bigger roads and more reliably predictable layouts). Even so, it does put pressure on my sister at times.

In your position, I think you need to point out that had you planned that he would stop driving, you wouldn't be living where you are. It sounds like it is important to know that he would be able to drive in an emergency at the very least. I hope you are able to talk it through to find a better balance going forward.

Stop driving him around. If he asks for a lift, say no, and tell him he needs to get the bus - and that includes when he's taking DS to parties, school or activities.

We also live somewhere where driving is pretty essential and I would be furious if DH decided he was going to make me to do it all - obviously it would be different if he was unwell or couldn't drive for health reasons.

@GrassWillBeGreener

There are now glasses that will correct colour blindness in some people. I don't know the ins and outs of it and it doesn't correct all types, but a friend's DH got a pair and when he first put them on he practically burst into tears at what the world 'really looked like'.

Being colour blind never affected his driving though. I guess he learnt to 'read' the traffic lights in the colours as they appeared to him.

It’s selfish and it’s only going to get worse as your son gets older

Do you mean automatic rather than electric?

I'm intrigued how driving an electric car could be easier than petrol/diesel.

OP, what would happen if you suddenly decided you didn’t fancy driving any more?

Or could you decide you don’t want to cook, clean or do any laundry? Why does he have the luxury of choice?

Our nice car is an electric car and it is easier than a petrol one (once you get used to it).

No I mean electric. No gears (same as an automatic) but also regen braking means you hardly need to use the brakes. It’s like driving a bumper car.

I agree that you need a conversation as to how this looks as the dc get older - lots of activities and poor public transport. You are semi-rural. Does it help you to become less rural? Closer to family? Could you afford to move, if that is the easiest answer?

I also agree to having him take the dc to , for example, visit his family, on public transport. Be busy that day; have a migraine; but ensure he does it on his own.
Ideally, let him do it when there’s a gale blowing…

It’s fine that he wants to cycle and take the bus. Better for the environment. But if it’s too hard to do that with the dc, then he needs to look at his issue with driving.

It depends if he is willing to get public transport.

Id say he needs to take a turn doing clubs etc and its hos choice if he drives or gets public transport. So say, next weekend you all want a family day out, he is responsible for the transport side of things whether that be arranging the logistics of the public transport or driving.

Its not unreasonable for him not to drive but ot is unreasonable if he never takes responsibility for planning and making journeys on the presumption you will just drive.

Would you have the se response if he was refusing to do any housework for example? It's his right to say he doesn't want to drive but he also needs to think of the wider impact on his partner and child. I don't think it's very fair on them

If I were you, from now on I'd choose to not do his laundry.

In fairness, we are not told that the husband doesn’t pull his weight with other things - just that he doesn’t drive.

One of the things I find difficult about driving is how angry it seems to make some people. And often people you wouldn’t expect - people who wouldn’t even consider kicking off at someone in a bookshop are prepared to rage because someone is doing 35 in a 40. Even the topic seems to make some people angry.

I think a discussion of therapy for not liking driving is likely to make the husband even more anxious. It makes it into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Can the husband drive to the local shop, pick up a few things, and drive back? That is where I would start. It’s important not to go mad on praise - it just isn’t a big deal. If he were to scratch an alloy wheel on a pavement, this cannot be a big deal either.

I used to be a very anxious driver, absolutely dreaded motorways. My cousin introduced me to the Institute of Advanced Drivers, I did their course with one of their drivers and its honestly changed my driving completely. I am so much more confident and relaxed. Its the best thing I've ever done

Some people are just anxious about driving and tbh, I’d prefer not to share roads with people who aren’t confident they can safely control their big metal boxes.

If he’s understanding that you find it exhausting and will take on some of the other things that need to be organised at either end of a car journey (and is generally a good partner) then I’d stop nagging him. If he wants to use public transport then let him.

On the other hand, if he expects that it’s no problem for you to do all the driving along with everything else then he’s an arse.

I could not fancy a man that won't drive. Tell him to man up ffs

This!

If he's anxious about it it's not as simple as people think to just get on with it, or get over it. It's quite debilitating and I'm sure nobody wants to be like that. I know I don't.

I was an anxious driver. But had no option but to drive a lot soon after I passed my test. If left to myself I may have gone into the feeling it was too hard and I could not do it. But I had to push myself. The problem with avoidance of driving is that it will just make your anxiety worse when you get in the car again.

It might be worth trying to get to the bottom of what the source of the anxiety is.

I passed my test just before leaving for university and then didn't drive a car for years as I lived in London and didn't need one. When my partner and I moved to the suburbs, I had some lessons again and my anxiety was so bad the first instructor said I was 'making him feel too stressed to continue' 🙄

We realised it was the mechanics of the car that was making me nervous, I was constantly scared of stalling at junctions which meant I panicked and couldn't pull out safely. When our car packed up, we got an automatic electric car and it's been like night and day! I'm so comfortable and confident driving around the area and the freedom it gave me on maternity leave was a revelation.

I admit, I'm still too scared to attempt motorways and I know it's something I need to practice. But the change of car has been huge. I will never drive a manual again, but I think that's ok.

Might be worth interrogating the fear a little bit?

Passing his test first time does not make him a good driver. I wouldn't appreciate him passing the buck onto you. If he hasn't given a proper explanation id be inclined to believe he's lazy

So, are you saying that if and when you both go out for the night, and have a few drinks, he expects you to be the designated driver?

I would be absolutely furious if they could do something, but chose not too, while expecting you to do it!

Selfish. There are lots of things I don't like doing, but I do because they have to be done. If he doesn't enjoy driving, then it just counts as a chore like everything else, surely?

Stop giving him lifts. Take it in turns to drive. Make it clear that if he doesn't want to drive on his turns, he must pay for a taxi, and NOT out of shared, family money.

I hate driving too so i understand where he is coming from. The fact it is stressing you out makes ne wonder if you also dislike driving? My DH is very happy doing most of the driving, and if that changed, i would move to a city so i could use public transport.