To worry my 13 year old isn't 'normal'

[TwoNoMore]

I have a 13 year old DS who would rather chew off his own arm than come out with me and his little sister. I see other kids his age who happily go out with their mums still?

Have I done something wrong parenting my son for him to be this way or is it normal?

My 13 year old boy is out with his mates 90% of the time. He'll happy come out with me shopping if I'm paying though.
Most 13 year olds don't want to do family days out. They're growing up, doing their own thing, establishing their friendships and independence. No way are the majority going to the zoo.

It’s horrible. It passes. My son is now 16 and will come on a few days out with me if I schedule them in advance, and can sometimes even be persuaded to come to eg the garden centre and TK Maxx with me if he’s feeling bored and wants company. But he’d far rather have stayed home at 13/14/15.

Nah, he's a teenager. Not odd at all. Give him a few years and he'll be functional again.

I slightly disagree with PPs saying it’s normal - I do think it’s fine (and normal) for 13 year olds to pick and choose a bit, and maybe not want to go on every single day out with younger siblings (especially if they are much younger!), but to say “I can’t be arsed” for every day out even when the offer is for him to choose what to do, seems a bit odd. My eldest is just 13 recently and he loves a day out still, but he has a sibling close in age who he gets on well with most of the time (similar interests), and he is used to being taken to training by either me or DH (competitive sports training so it’s most nights of the week and once at the weekend). I think that helps as we spend time chatting in the car and parents are all there at the training sessions so it’s normal to him for his friends to know me / DH and we are all part of the same sports club.

DS1s friends (age range 12-14) often come out with us as well - we do a lot of going to the beach, as we live in a holiday location, and we either take the children’s friends with us or our children go with other families, or we all meet up down the beach. All the kids seem fine with days out still and are keen to be doing stuff, but they are all sporty kids which I think does make a difference.

could you encourage your son to bring a friend and make sure you go somewhere they will enjoy? I do think it’s important for teens to have their independence but also to keep being part of the family, and understand that sometimes they just have to join in for the enjoyment of their siblings / parents.

May be girls are different as my 14 year old comes everywhere with us willingly.

Try more low key options. Can you offer to go somewhere like swimming/cinema /trampoline place but suggest he texts a mate & plans to meet there? He probably is happy to go out for the day but would like the independence to go off with a mate for some of it, not be stuck with his mum & little sister. He's 13!! Even my near 8 yr old would rather see friends. We went to a local fete and he was bored til he spotted a couple of school friends to hang around with.

My 15yr old DS must not be "normal"then! He's fine going out with me and his younger sister and always has been.

This. My 13yo ds recently got into a new hobby he's passionate about and he's always very happy for us to share in that. I've always made an effort to take an interest in the things that interest him. He still loves coming to the cinema with me, football matches, glow golf etc. And he still loves a zoo (mind you, he just adores animals) so will happily tag along to things like that with his little sister. So he does family stuff that interests him (and we make an effort to choose things that suit both ds and 7yo dd) and when it's something he doesn't want to do then he's free to either stay home or visit friends.

Also this. Teens can be quite self centred so it doesn't hurt to sometimes point out to them that spending time together means a lot to other family members, too. I sometimes think boys in particular are pushed into independence too soon and made to feel weird for not doing what all the other boys are doing (I.e. ignoring their parents, not caring much for other people's feelings). I think encouraging a balance between independence/ self sufficiency and maintaining a sense of connection with and thoughtfulness for other family members is the way to go.

Oh my god yes !! My sons 13 and barely goes anywhere with me unless I pay him 🤣okay not pay him but unless something amazing is in it for him ( and even then it’s limited as to what that is as food doesn’t even cut it ) he just wants to stay In bed until 1pm and play Xbox if he could all day . I have to force him to get some air as I think he may start turning into bedroom furniture soon

I have a 13yr old ds he doesn't want to spend time with us. But I do force it sometimes. I find it helps to leave the local area as he's not so worried about being seen by friends.

Pick activities that appeal to him too. Mine loves food, clothes and the barbers. Activities would be karting, axe throwing, adventure golf, football match.

'I've booked us axe throwing, we're leaving at 11'

'you need new jeans, let's go on Saturday'

'little sis is out for the day, I'll take you out for lunch.'

Haven't you watched Harry Enfield / 'Kevin the teenager/ Kevin and Perry go large. It's very educational and informative on how normal children evolve into teenage angst. 😁. You're welcome

find it helps to leave the local area as he's not so worried about being seen by friends.

I always find this hilarious, and often when you go to a different area you see half their school mates there with their mums avoiding their local area for exactly the same reason 😂

I have a 16 year old dd like this. she won't do a single thing with us anymore and I've suggested all kinds of things that i know she likes.Also asked her what she'd like to do. But no she'd rather be sat in her room and then moan that she never does anything or goes anywhere.

It's somewhat reassuring that I'm not alone

How can you not know this is normal?

I'm going on personal perspective of what I see of others on social media and kids his age who appear to enjoy it. I wasn't sure if this hit older or at this age.

If he starts doing this he is definitely like my mine (I think they secretly recorded in my house for this)

https://www.facebook.com/reel/974807537046973/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

Our 14 year old here is just the same. Stays in his bedroom 90% of the time. I did persuade force him out for an outing to Legoland at the start of the summer and he's had one family meal out, but its been under protest 😂 He will still come on family holidays, but again much grumbling is his theme tune😂 we pick our battles; a trip to the splash pool and park? No not forcing A family big birthday meal yes a must

Mine can look happy in pictures. Especially if he's just pissed his sister off. It's fleeting and a joke in our family. :"let's look like we're enjoying ourselves".

Despite my comment earlier on the thread that my 13yo DS does not want to join in with anything, I got told off for not inviting him to soft play with his 7yo brother on Monday. There's a huge one near us with no age limit, we met up with 7yo's friend and his 13yo brother was there too. I cannot win!

I do find he will sometimes come out with me if there is a bribe involved - a Maccies breakfast or a Subway usually does the trick.

Deeply normal. Welcome to
the teenage years! He’ll come back to you. Don’t force him.

This reminds me of a particularly insightful comment my 13yo ds said to me a while back: "I may choose not to go with you, but I always appreciate you asking me - thanks, Mum." It's true, I do always ask him, and sometimes he surprises me by saying yes. But it seems to mean a lot to him that we don't just assume.