To worry my 13 year old isn't 'normal'

[TwoNoMore]

I have a 13 year old DS who would rather chew off his own arm than come out with me and his little sister. I see other kids his age who happily go out with their mums still?

Have I done something wrong parenting my son for him to be this way or is it normal?

Ds14 won't go out with me in our city but in holidays it's fine as there are no mates seeing him with his mummy...

This is completely normal. I was the same at that age. Definitely don’t force him, if he doesn’t want to go he’s old enough to decide.

My son at that age, and beyond, was the same. I remember one incident when he was walking to the shops with me and a group of his school mates were approaching. My son ducked into a bush, really! One minute he was beside me and the next he wasn't. I had no idea he was in the bush and I turned around to go home because I was confused and worried. The bush was a bit thorny and he had a few cuts on him. That's how much he didn't want to be seen with me!

I'm going through the same OP. My Son's turning 13 in a few months and he has recently begun to find me mortifying and this Summer hols has been really difficult. I'm so sad but it's good to read on here that it's normal. And that he might come back to me one day 😭

Very normal. My dd 15 hasn't wanted to come out with us since she was 14, my eldest is 19 now and always wants to come but never around the ages of 13 - 17. Don't force him to do things he doesn't want. Is he still socialising with his own friends though? Will he still come out if you all go out for dinner/lunch etc? None of mine would want to miss a meal out.

Forgot to mention that it seems more ok to walk with his dad

Ha ha, reminds me of being that age and my mum complaining I wouldn't walk next to her!

Do stuff he will enjoy then he will want to hang out with you. Ie not a play park. Ours fine about doing age appropriate fun things with us - meal out / cinema / shopping for them etc

I think it is the embarrassment factor. Someone might see them with their mum and that apparently is maximum embarrassment. I had more success doing day trips further from home where no one would see him.

I did this too!!

I’m a bit on the fence with this one. I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily right but it can be typical.

All my lads came out with me at that age, though they didn’t have a younger sister. I sense among some boys there’s such sexism they tease their friends (as wet/moist) if they’re seen out with their mum. But IMHO this is disrespectful to mothers. Thankfully, among my kids’ peers, it’s seen as respectful/manly to help your mum with heavy bags of shopping or go out as a family - not embarrassing. If you think it’s coming from a disrespectful/sexist perspective (i.e. doesn’t mind being seen out with a male relative), it might need a challenge.

For days out, depends where you’re going. Most teenagers wouldn’t want to go to a playground. Basically, they’ll enjoy what adults enjoy and especially if it’s somewhere they’re unlikely to bump into anyone they know. My middle one used to moan about going on days out (e.g. to the beach, woods, other cities) when he was 13. But once we were out he’d always enjoy it and I often couldn’t get him out of the sea and on a train home. I think it does them good to
have special time out with the family. But if there’s a big sibling age gap or they’re v different he might enjoy it more if he brings a mate?

Again thank you for all the reassurance and positive stories. Again I want to reiterate that I do offer age appropriate days out for him.

the question is... what IS normal nowadays? he's your child and if you want him to be part of family days out, then those days have to include something he wants to be involved with?

just be wary of leaving him to his own devices for too long, i recall my DD aged about 12/13 who was suffering with anxiety etc and under CAMHS. She's very mature for her age, and we started leaving her a home... it turns out she told the counsellor that she felt like she had been abandoned.. even though she point blank refused to come out with us on some days! it was the worst day of my life when a MH proffesional litterally called me a shite mother!

after that, she had no choice, she came with us no matter what we were doing and if she sulked, then so be it. In the end it turned out she was struggling with her sexuality and as soon as she 'came out' she became a changed person.

its a juggling act getting it right with teenagers.. too much and you smoother them, too little and they go off the rails

It's fairly normal.

You can't really force him to to go out to play areas and things but if mine was spending too much time on the Xbox etc I'd do some bargaining - I.e. you can stay home and game this afternoon if you come out for some fresh air/walk the dog this morning, or if you come out and help with the shopping I'll get you a milkshake after etc.

When my boys were teenagers one would happily greet me in public if with his mates. I was lucky if I got eye contact from his brother, along with a look that said “don’t you dare speak to me and embarrass me by speaking to me in front of my friends.”😁
So I didn’t. They are both now lovely, caring men.

it biology and completely normal. All people hitting puberty should find their family repulsive and want to be away from them. It is imprinted in us from centuries ago to prevent incest. So young people would want to procreate away from family members

I can't think there are many teens that would enjoy this.

My 13 year old daughter will come to some stuff but i don't make her come on days out to the zoo etc as costs me a load and she will spend the day moaning. She'd be happy to go to a theme park or shopping or something.

@TwoNoMore you have to do days out that are appropriate for his age. Seriously 13 year olds are not interested in play areas.

As I said above, although I appreciate you might not have seen it, I've offered plenty of age appropriate days out such as Chessington, ninja warrior etc

@TwoNoMore yes I did miss it, sorry. What works well at that age is telling them they can bring a friend.

Thank you lovely yes I will give this a go

Totally normal. Ds is heading to yr 10 , so I'm surprised it's taken him this long, but he's now realised he can turn down days out and there's not really much we can do about it! He's lasted longer than I did. Think I was 12.

Equally, if we do go on a walk, he and his sibling tag team being moaning twats for about the first half hour, before they settle in and become human. This is our new normal, which has replaced falling in streams/ tantrums/desperate need for a wee.

On the plus side, dh and I now have much more freedom.

Lol it gets better when they want you to sit in the car with them and practice driving at 17

🤣🤣 I've done the forcing him along and my goodness did I regret it. It felt like so much money down the drain for both kids to end up miserable. He's also realized that he can just wind up his little sister to ruin the day out!