... to feel my luck is rare?

[kokamid]

At a recent family gathering, something struck me I hadn't really thought of before. There were many relatives I hadn't seen for a really long time, and so we were catching up on each others' lives, outcomes, children etc.

What struck me was how lucky I seem to have been. Literally no-one else at this gathering had managed to avoid bad luck of some kind: ill-health, children with various ailments, psychological difficulties, relationship breakdown, etc., etc. Everyone had had some kind of misfortune to overcome, either themselves or with children or partners.

Of course many - most, indeed - had overcome their various misfortunes. (Some, sadly, hadn't.)

-- And, when I thought about it, the same seems to be true also of all my friends, acquaintances, neighbours: most of them live fine, happy lives; but literally none has avoided some kind of more-or-less severe misfortune, unhappiness, of one kind or another ...

... Except me. I have been married - once, and for a long time - to someone I still love. We are both in good health in our late seventies and live active, fulfilling lives. I once broke a bone, but have never spent a night in hospital, anywhere, ever (childbirth excepted). We are financially well-off, even though neither of us inherited a penny from our parents or anywhere else. We travelled the world together doing socially useful jobs we enjoyed thoroughly until we retired. Now we live in a comfortable home in a really nice place.

Our children are happy and successful, well-educated with loving partners and beautiful successful happy children themselves. They are all decent, socially and morally aware people. We see our children and grandchildren regularly (though they don't live close), spend time together and get on really well; we love them; they love us.

Yes things can go wrong at any time, of course I'm aware. But thinking over all my friends and relatives and their lives, it did seem - does seem - it's very rare to have lived such a good life as I have.

I'm fairly sure I've done nothing to deserve it ... it just feels I've been super lucky. Or - here's my question - is it really so rare: has everyone else in my extended family and friendship group just been unusually unlucky?

AIBU to feel I won life's lottery? Or are there lots of people out there with similarly lovely lives I just don't hear or read about?

I kind of look at from a different perspective, you've not had the experience of a something shattering your world so much - that you're in a completely different world that few can relate too (my shattering world is a son who has had suicide attempt and suffers from depression). I've learnt compression, kindness and strength is my arsenal. That laugther is an amazing sounds and even more amazing to hear from a loved one.

I've had a few 'unlucky' events and each times, I've reflected and learnt.

I think it's how you view life, my Mum died very tragically, on going health problems with my adult daughter, I've had breast cancer and a mastectomy. I still feel lucky tho as I've been blessed with a lovely family and friends plus I'm still here making the most of every day. Let's hope you still continue to live happily into your 80s and 90s even.

I'm someone who has had good luck and it's something that's given me stress at times as I wonder what's coming to me. It also brings up guilt as some of it is pure luck re your health, upbringing and the country you're born in.
M

OP - it's really refreshing to hear someone acknowledge their fortunate hand. I hope things continue to be good for you. You sound realistic, humble and decent. Sometimes life works out.

However, some of the replies exemplify everything I hate - that if you are fortunate, it's because you were "positive" or "deserved it". Now, it's great if you make the most of the hand you've been dealt. That's how we all aspire to be. But some tragedies - eg brain haemorrhages, fatal car accidents, cancers, disabilities, assaults - are just cruelly random and can affect any one of us, at any time, no matter how "worthy" or positive we are. As long as we acknowledge that (OP seems to have, just not all replies).

I'd say your life has been a combination of good fortune and a positive outlook. My parents always said how fortunate they had been. Even after my Dad died aged 76 fairly horrifically of bowel cancer my Mum says she has been very fortunate - they had more than 50 largely happy years together. She has also suffered from anxiety for a lot of her life. Still thinks she's fortunate. I too feel I am fortunate despite life's ups and downs and challenges. Some of my friends have truly suffered with the loss of a child or other horrors. I try to enjoy the day today and appreciate it. I think the phrase 'this too will pass' is very useful for both the good times and the bad.

Completely agree with your comment and that this post is really refreshing to read.
OP, appreciates how her life has turned out, understands, she’s been fortunate and yes sometimes life just really works out.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist well, there will be a reason why someone is abusive, and there will be a reason why there's a war going on. Not that these things are deserved by some people, not at all.

I really hope you posted that sitting in a woodshed on an oak stool clutching a hefty piece of timber wearing gloves made of pine.

I think luck or lack of it, can be down to perception.

for example, my sibling thinks I'm really unlucky because I've had cancer three times, all different. I think I'm lucky because, despite having cancer three times I've never needed chemo.
Another example was a recently retired colleague was finding it difficult to get used to the slower pace of life in retirement. I was relaying this to my adult child and added that I was lucky in that respect. I had to slow down in early retirement. My child said "yes, you were lucky, having lung cancer" with an appropriate roll of her eyes.

I admit I'm a bit of a Pollyanna, but I think I'm happier for being so.

Now OP -are you aware of the Final Destination films.....?

Some of that is only subjectively lucky. A lot of people wouldn't want the sort of life you have. Some people don't want a long stable loving relationship, they want to sleep around with lots of people or have short term intense, passionate relationships . Some people love the excitement of doing sports or activities where there's a very high risk of injury. I have a friend who was a professional skateboarder and bmx'er. He's broken so many bones, but he loves it and doesn't care. Another person I know has had a number of crashes on his motorcycle and wrecked one leg, but he loves his bike and doesn't care. Other people want to party, drink, do drugs, that has an impact on their physical health but ultimately maybe they think it's worth it 🤷‍♀️
It's great for you that you consider yourself lucky, that's all that matters. But I think that kind of luck is in the eye of the beholder. For you, you have what you want and nothing has happened to spoil that. For others, even if you don't see it, maybe they have what they want and what you see as misfortune doesn't take away from that.

Think no man lucky til his journey's end.

Thanks to you all for so many interesting and thought-provoking responses. I'd like to answer individually, but there's a lot more than I expected.

Generally, the thought seems to be that my luck is, indeed, rare, although not unique: some few people also feel about their lives as I do about mine. (I'd feel really strange to be the only one, so that's a relief!)

Lots of people seem happy for me, which makes me glad. Thanks for the good wishes. Much appreciated.

Yes, as several have said, I was sad when my parents died (and some aunts and uncles and friends I'd been close to, as well). But I suppose I think of that, albeit perhaps as misfortune, nevertheless as something unavoidable and so not as under the auspices of luck, if that makes sense. No-one I was close to died young.

I'm glad to have had the parents I had ... death of parents is a part of life no luck can help us escape from.

And, yes, as many have said, I'm well aware good luck may run out. I suppose like many people, I was scared, during the Pandemic, not so much for myself, but for children and grandchildren: if one of them had died, sure, I would have felt bereft. Luckily, they didn't.

Yes, bad things might still happen. I hope they won't. And if they do, I hope I'll be strong enough to somehow cope. Needs must. I worry, of course, about my children and random happenings; that's part of being a parent, part of the price we pay for love. But, again, so far, so good.

And, meanwhile, yes, I'll continue to count my blessings (metaphorically speaking, that is; I'm not at all religious).

Yes, it really was interesting to read others perspectives, it’s a really refreshing post to read.

You might be right. I was always quite content and well aware of how lucky I was. I do think it's dangerous to get too complacent about it though. Maybe things look different when your safe and lucky world gets shaken to it's very foundations very suddenly?

My children have always been so healthy so it was a shock when my grown child got so sick, so quickly, and died. Followed by other severe shocks over the following few years. I really do think most people wouldn't cope as well as I have with all that.

Yet, in spite of it all, I do think I am still lucky in many ways. I've been fortunate even in the face of all those events. And those events have given me things that I never would have had otherwise. My life is extremely challenging and sometimes painful, but I live a good life and can still say I'm pretty lucky with a lot of things. We've been through the wringer though!

I think this is where perspective may vary a lot. A parent dying at a normal old age after a full life is not bad luck. I'd say that is good luck. Of course it's still sad for those left behind but living to old age and dying in the natural order is an example of good luck to me.

Exactly, having money buys some choice.
unfortunately life has not been as I hoped, divorced at 37, not met another right man, despite trying, always had work problems.Very nasty menopause at 45, went on far too long, then hormonal depression and now Parkinson’s at 62, diagnosed at 60, so 7 yrs in.
Estranged from younger Asperger’s son, his choice , nor do I see much of other son, who is married and has a son.
i have great friends and family, and luckily ok money wise, fab cat too, I feel some of those things were fact/luck, my dad had Parkinson’s for 7 yrs, died at 85, my mum hardly any health issues.
Fortunately I don’t work, I would have liked better health, it impacts me daily

@tinklingchimes apologies if I was unclear. I was in no way suggesting that you should consider yourself lucky. You sound like an incredibly strong person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

A tree that grows in a sheltered spot can be majestic. But if the wind changes and comes unexpectedly, it's more easily felled than the tree that grows on the hill.

I'm pleased for you, and your children. I'm sure your attitude to life has played its part in your contentment, and it's lovely to hear people be happy and grateful.

I'll say this. My oldest sister led a similar life. One difference being that she was very adamant her luck was entirely down to her own choices, and had others chosen the same their lives would be as charmed. You don't seem to have fallen for this fallacy, to your credit.

When our mother died, very suddenly and unexpectedly at quite a young age, her and her entire understanding of the world completely fell apart. She had no experience of handling any serious adversity, and could not get her head around the fact that she had done everything "right" but this had still happened to her.

I had a less fortunate path, partly down to my own choices, partly down to luck. I was devastated by our mother's death, but the tools I'd learned in other adversities helped me know how to get myself through and to understand that "this too shall pass".

What life chucks at us sometimes sucks. I don't wish adversity on anyone. By the same token, we all need opportunities to learn resilience.

I agree - a parent dying at a normal old age (which is basically 70s onwards) is not bad luck, or misfortune, or adversity. It's life, it's to be expected. We all die of something in the end, and parents dying before their children is the natural way of things.

That doesn't mean that there will be no grief or sadness - of course there will. But a normal life event is not a misfortune. Losing your parents is only a misfortune if it happens young or in horrible/tragic circumstances.