Husband calls me a f***ing b**tch and tells me I am gaslighting him

[Bluey365]

A situation unfolded today that I found extremely upsetting please tell me AIBU

Today myself and DH brought two children shopping. Our smallest is just 4 months old and eldest is 3 for context. We arrived home and I bring the baby upstairs for her nap/feed. The baby is going through a phase where she will only breastfeed in her sleep so I have to lie with her for the duration of her sleep while feeding her (no suggestions regarding this please-husband supports this approach).

Husband comes upstairs after an hour and says he’s given our daughter lunch and is heading out to meet a friend. I asked if he put the food away. He replied with ‘I knew you’d f*cking ask that, I can’t believe it’, I said was ‘just asking and was disappointed that I’ll have to do it all now on my own with two kids while making lunch for myself and cleaning up. ‘ I followed up with saying that it’s fine I can do it and I don’t want him to be late for lunch, I encouraged him to go. I said nothing else negative towards him. He gets very angry and accuses me of always monitoring his productivity and says I’m a ‘f*cking bitch’. I reminded him that he expressed disappointment the previous night when I didn’t brush our daughter’s teeth and I didn’t have the same reaction he was having towards me today. This is the reason he believes I ‘gaslighted’ him.

he returned home from his friends and acted like nothing had happened. I spoke to him about kids etc and we had a nice evening as a family. He went to bed and started reading and falling asleep: I couldn’t believe he didn’t apologise for the name calling and I started crying saying it was unacceptable. He apologised for the name calling but again said that I was gaslighting him by reminding him of times that he expresses disappointment in my behaviour (eg losing keys, not brushing teeth etc). I believe gaslighting is a very serious form of psychological abuse and is not something which should be said lightly. He is a very intelligent person and understands the term.

AIBU - this is gaslighting
YANBU - this is not gaslighting

This is a really good summary post in my opinion @Bluey365 , what do you think?

I think you were wrong to nag him . He was going out for the first time in 4 months. It sounds like he had hardly any time and was already late. This was not the time to "express disappointment". It sounds as though he's generally pretty good as a husband. It would be different if he's always going out and leave but if this is the first time in 4 months then it's not a pattern of behaviour.

Obviously there's no excuse for his verbal abuse. He doesn't understand the term gaslighting.

Perhaps you are overly critical (of each other?) He probably thinks it's a cop out for you to lie down for an hour every time the younger one naps and then criticise everything he's done while you're resting. Maybe you both need more breaks and more time in some charge? Rather than trying to score points and micromanage each other.

Him not being as tidy as you is not a fault. You might have to compromise and meet in the middle. Or do the extra tidying yourself.

He said because he’s not a ‘housemaiden whose sole purpose for existence is cleaning up, I’m downstairs cooking food and minding my daughter’

Oh yes, that's your job. You keep the house clean as well as doing most of the care for two kids and be grateful for whatever he does.

Tell him to stop doing half jobs. If he's sorting food for his dc and you're busy then he's doing it on his own. He needs to do the whole job which includes putting things away and clearing up after.

I would say be very mindful that the most common advice on Mumsnet is to dump the man, not find the solution. I suspect there is more to your story that you have just described. No decent man blows up the fuse like this unless there is a backstory. If you insist he is a decent man you need to look at what you are potentially doing wrong to trigger your husband. Men and women are different in how they take criticism. There is a great book written by a male-female team of family therapists Why Women Talk and Men Walk. 50 ways women upset their men without trying is listed there, makes a great read. I hope it helps

He could have said "Sorry I didn't have time as was playing with L.O" rather than causing a scene and swearing at you.

Exactly this 👆

Fuck off with the nagging shite.

What adult goes food shopping then doesn’t put the food shopping away when they get in. Do not put up with him OP.

My husband i had an argument last night and he got livid and called me a dumbass b** . In the 20 years we have been , he has never called me the b word and i was so shocked that i said nothing and walked away . He texted this morning apologizing and i have no responded . I dont know what do do next . I feel very disrespected . What should I do ?
For context :
the same night i grabbed dinner for my kids and i and my husband was at work and he gets off from work midnight and usually eats at work . so i didnt make dinner for him as i was busy doing my daughters hair . he came home 6 houra early from work. i finished the girl's hair gave them a bath and put them to bed (while he was laying in bed watching tv ) . I went to the guest room where he was in and he said passsive aggressively that I didn’t make him food . And I explained why and that I can make him something real quick and he said no that he didn’t want to eat and just go to sleep “hungry “ and I went to our bedroom and noticed he left the house few mins later and called to tell me he was grabbing something to eat . He came back to our room with Wendy’s sandwich and fries and I chuckled while he was eating . Mainly because I offered to make him food but he rather eat “junk” than homemade and also he has been saying he won’t eat carbs as he is trying to lose some weight . He got really offended that I laughed and stormed out of the bedroom saying that I laughed at him as he was starving and eating something and went to the guest room and locked the door This really upset me because how is he mad over me chuckling over what he’s eating so followed him and asked and he started to get mad and said to leave him so he can eat in peace . So we went back and forth and I saw he was getting heated and said to get the f* out of the room or he would lose it so I left the room and he shut the door so hard and said you dumbass f**ing bitch . Also to give more context , we have been sleeping in separate rooms for very long time and recently agreed that we would sleep together as sleeping separately is causing intimate issue in our relationship . One of the reasons I was upset bc he took something so small and used it as a reason to get upset and sleep in the other room after promising we will change our sleeping arrangements .

This!!!!!!

We’ve only got a snapshot here but tbh saying your disappointed is a bit passive aggressive and arsey it would push my buttons

You won't like this but he's a shit. I get you love him deeply. Things won't improve. He sounds like a narcissist. Please leave it

He loads the dishwasher and puts the bins out.
Wow.
I would expect a child to load the dishwasher.
He is lazy.
And disrespectful.
He should have put the shopping away and prepared lunch for your child. Why didn’t he prepare your lunch?
Your bar is set too low,
As for gaslighting, no he is wrong. What you did was not gaslighting.
By the way, dh does 95% of our cooking. Unless he is ill he puts the shopping away.
Either one of us puts the bins out. I usually make sure all rubbish is in the dustbin.
He has never, ever called me a fucking bitch and quite frankly if he did it would be the first and last time.

I've reported your post. How dare you call her that!

There's definitely got to be more to this story. It's not normal for someone to jump down your throat over something that insignificant. He shouldn't have called you names but that's the least of the problem by the sounds of it. Why is he getting so defensive? How is his mental health?
It sounds like there is a build up of resentment in your house and it's all come to a head.

Calling it gaslighting is gaslighting you.

Seems like he's using standard DARVO tactics:

Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.

Post was from August, folks.