Husband calls me a f***ing b**tch and tells me I am gaslighting him

[Bluey365]

A situation unfolded today that I found extremely upsetting please tell me AIBU

Today myself and DH brought two children shopping. Our smallest is just 4 months old and eldest is 3 for context. We arrived home and I bring the baby upstairs for her nap/feed. The baby is going through a phase where she will only breastfeed in her sleep so I have to lie with her for the duration of her sleep while feeding her (no suggestions regarding this please-husband supports this approach).

Husband comes upstairs after an hour and says he’s given our daughter lunch and is heading out to meet a friend. I asked if he put the food away. He replied with ‘I knew you’d f*cking ask that, I can’t believe it’, I said was ‘just asking and was disappointed that I’ll have to do it all now on my own with two kids while making lunch for myself and cleaning up. ‘ I followed up with saying that it’s fine I can do it and I don’t want him to be late for lunch, I encouraged him to go. I said nothing else negative towards him. He gets very angry and accuses me of always monitoring his productivity and says I’m a ‘f*cking bitch’. I reminded him that he expressed disappointment the previous night when I didn’t brush our daughter’s teeth and I didn’t have the same reaction he was having towards me today. This is the reason he believes I ‘gaslighted’ him.

he returned home from his friends and acted like nothing had happened. I spoke to him about kids etc and we had a nice evening as a family. He went to bed and started reading and falling asleep: I couldn’t believe he didn’t apologise for the name calling and I started crying saying it was unacceptable. He apologised for the name calling but again said that I was gaslighting him by reminding him of times that he expresses disappointment in my behaviour (eg losing keys, not brushing teeth etc). I believe gaslighting is a very serious form of psychological abuse and is not something which should be said lightly. He is a very intelligent person and understands the term.

AIBU - this is gaslighting
YANBU - this is not gaslighting

I don’t know if it’s gaslighting but if my dh ever called me that and spoke to me like that he’d be out the door. That’s not the way you speak to someone you love. And yes he should have put the food away as he was doing lunch surely? It’s not difficult!

Well for a start what you're doing is nothing like gaslighting. You need to point him towards some websites to explain.

Secondly he's being a total arse. What you're actually doing is pointing out that he's a hypocrite. Why does he think he has the right to criticise you but you must never ever mention anything he does?

He sounds totally selfish and unpleasant. He's not God but thinks he is.

It strikes me that if he can behave like this he's probably nasty in other ways too. What do you get out of this relationship?

From what I understand gaslighting means trying to make someone believe something that is not true. I guess if you were saying, and trying to make him agree that, you don't get angry when he expresses disappointment with you but actually you do. I think this term is often misused but I think the bigger problem is that he's got a bad attitude overall, doesn't clean up after himself then swears at you when questioned about it.

If my husband ever called me a fucking bitch he wouldn't be my husband anymore. Genuinely. I absolutely will not tolerate that level of disrespect from anyone, least of all the person who's supposed to love and cherish me.

Can he explain to you why you talking about things that literally happened is gaslighting? Either he genuinely doesn't know what gaslighting is and is just misusing the word, or he's just trying to get you to shut up. Stop shutting up and be as angry as you should be at the way he's treating you!

Voting currently 93% YANBU by the way.

So he's learnt the word gaslighting and has decided to use it against you. Special.

Sounds like he is gaslighting you.

His behaviour towards you is disgraceful and disrespectful. How horrible is this man! How could he not put the shopping away whilst you breastfeed and make you a bit of lunch.

He is horrible and swearing show a serious lack of respect.

I’d tell him to leave.

No it’s not gaslighting, you are giving him a comparable scenario to demonstrate you didn’t behave that way towards him.

I think men interestingly seem to feel upset etc in arguments with what is said to them, but typically have no comprehension of the damage they cause with the things they say or do, leading to it being made out you are the problem.

Any normal responsible adult would put food away, he’s being dramatic, remind him of this, prob a learnt behaviour

I would ask him why he called you that name. Depending on his response I would say okay I’ll address you a fucking cunt.

God knows where people meet these total c* - I've had 2 husbands plus a live in partner in between and am 62- they've all had aspects that are annoying but not one has ever called me a f

He said because he’s not a ‘housemaiden whose sole purpose for existence is cleaning up, I’m downstairs cooking food and minding my daughter’

Ha- hit send too soon - not one has called me a f bitch or similar or that would have been the end-

@Bluey365 he clearly thinks though that's your job- I ended my first marriage as my H although he didn't call me names did indeed seem to think I was there for housework, childcare and sex on tap - he wasn't a nasty guy as such just had very different ideas to me of what marriage was about

I love him very deeply and he is kind in many ways. We have a lot in common and generally agree on parenting issues etc. I know people can fly off the handle and say things they don’t mean but I am mostly upset and me having to cry before getting an apology and then being told I’m a gaslighter. As if it’s all my fault?

Op..watch the movie.. you'll see what real gas lighting is. The term is over used and reminding someone of something where you have been hard done by is not well received my most ppl that doesn't make it gas lighting. Gas lighting is to carry out an act or say something and when confronted to deny the existence of that thing or wht was said in order to confuse or to cause doubt..

His treatment of you should be a complete deal breaker. It's horrifying to think of your two daughters growing up in this environment.

It’s just a bit shit you’re stuck with him.
Won’t be long until your 3 year old understands what he is saying to you.
What will happen then?

Maybe he should pay for childcare then. You're busy enough as it is with TWO KIDS UNDER 5 INCLUDING A BABY!

Does he brush his teeth regularly? And how often is he having his nights out with The Lads?

Have You had any time out since your 2nd child?

He never puts pressure on me to do housework but is fairly indifferent to it himself. He loads the dishwasher and puts bins out. He will sometimes put food away etc. we have cleaners once per week. He tolerates a very messy house but I find this stressful

Why did you feel the need to ask him if he'd put the food away as if he's a teenage boy

Do you do that a lot ?

I'm not saying his reaction was warranted

He only left the house for 40 minutes for coffee. He doesn’t drink alcohol and has left the house only once to meet friends since the baby was born. He is a great dad and spends all his time with me and the kids.

Yes. Well, the bit where they make out that you're doing something wrong is the gaslighting and they're doing it, not you.

OP is being gaslighted (gaslit?) when her DH turns her point back on her and distorts it, thus derailing and deflecting her reasonable argument.

I think I probably asked because I knew he wouldn’t have. Maybe this is shitty?

The three year old understands his tone perfectly.

Come on, op. Now you're talking nonsense to yourself. It is not "shitty" to ask if the food has been put away.