Husband calls me a f***ing b**tch and tells me I am gaslighting him

[Bluey365]

A situation unfolded today that I found extremely upsetting please tell me AIBU

Today myself and DH brought two children shopping. Our smallest is just 4 months old and eldest is 3 for context. We arrived home and I bring the baby upstairs for her nap/feed. The baby is going through a phase where she will only breastfeed in her sleep so I have to lie with her for the duration of her sleep while feeding her (no suggestions regarding this please-husband supports this approach).

Husband comes upstairs after an hour and says he’s given our daughter lunch and is heading out to meet a friend. I asked if he put the food away. He replied with ‘I knew you’d f*cking ask that, I can’t believe it’, I said was ‘just asking and was disappointed that I’ll have to do it all now on my own with two kids while making lunch for myself and cleaning up. ‘ I followed up with saying that it’s fine I can do it and I don’t want him to be late for lunch, I encouraged him to go. I said nothing else negative towards him. He gets very angry and accuses me of always monitoring his productivity and says I’m a ‘f*cking bitch’. I reminded him that he expressed disappointment the previous night when I didn’t brush our daughter’s teeth and I didn’t have the same reaction he was having towards me today. This is the reason he believes I ‘gaslighted’ him.

he returned home from his friends and acted like nothing had happened. I spoke to him about kids etc and we had a nice evening as a family. He went to bed and started reading and falling asleep: I couldn’t believe he didn’t apologise for the name calling and I started crying saying it was unacceptable. He apologised for the name calling but again said that I was gaslighting him by reminding him of times that he expresses disappointment in my behaviour (eg losing keys, not brushing teeth etc). I believe gaslighting is a very serious form of psychological abuse and is not something which should be said lightly. He is a very intelligent person and understands the term.

AIBU - this is gaslighting
YANBU - this is not gaslighting

The truth is that he thinks looking after the kids is your job .
Probably thinks that he has done his fair share

I suppose if it's just some bananas and cream crackers it's not a big deal, but if it's food that should be in the fridge or will attract flies or make the toddler he's leaving unattended with it for 40 minutes sick, then it's very reasonable and sensible of you to remind him. Not that he should need reminding.

@Bluey365 genuinely how can you love someone who calls you a fucking bitch?
I’m appalled that you think you’ve done something wrong when he’s using foul language about his wife.
I don’t care if he’s a teetotaller, hard working, high earning dad of the year - he’s still not fit to wipe my dh’s shoes if he speaks to his dw like that.

Taking this one stage at a time I think you asking has he cleared up was condescending. You came home and he went and cook Dc dinner while you fed the baby. He then comes up and explains what he has done and you ask has he cleared up. If it was the other way around that would have rattle me. So your ABU to say this as it was in my mind being argumentative. Stage two is his comments to you that are not acceptable at all. Nor are you gaslighting.

You haven't gaslighted him in this instance no.
He is using DARVO against you to get away with abusive behaviours and calling you a fucking bitch because you asked a question is abusive.

If you don't leave him and I really would strongly suggest you think about that then you will have to treat him like another child and tell him what to do if you are going upstairs to feed the baby.

If he knew you'd ask that question then why not just do it?
I'll tell you why, because he thinks the household stuff is your job and he overestimates the importance of any little bit he does because he sees it as a favour to you.

If you don't leave please don't have anymore children and make sure you save up to pay for the therapy your children will need.

Stop making excuses for him. He’s a total arse.

I think the main issue here is that your husband verbally abuses you

Gaslighting is when you try and imply someone is crazy for responding in an appropriate way isn’t it? Getting upset about being abused? It’s because you’re crazy and it’s all in your head and I’ve done nothing wrong. That sort of thing.

Making reference to something your partner hadn’t done (put the food away) or how you responded in another situation doesn’t sound like gaslighting.

People don't say things they don't mean.

They might say things they didn't intend to let you know they were thinking, but they do mean them.

If someone called me a fcking bitch these days, I would start making plans to leave. There's no coming back in a relationship that involves that much contempt.

I know from experience, as my ex called me a fcking bitch once, and I told him I'd leave if he ever called me a name like that again (two young kids and a big mortgage together at the time). He didn't call me names after that, but he treated me with contempt. He just lied more, fcked me over behind my back and used different words ("control freak" "taskmaster" "nag", etc).

For me gaslighting is someone doing something wrong, then not admitting it and claiming the other person made it up/exaggerated/has no right to be annoyed etc.
So no. You were pointing out a difference in your perception of his level of annoyance, or his way of dealing with annoyance.
He should not have sworn at you and called you names. And he should have apologised without you having to cry!
He sounds like he's quite fond of criticising you. Is your marriage happy in other ways?

He’s not a great dad. A great dad doesn’t insult the mother of his children using foul language. He’s a verbally abusive scumbag, but you’re not ready to accept that yet.

It doesn’t need a name. He’s an arsehole.

That's not what she asked. She was asking if he'd put the shopping away.

I fucking hate these threads. They're a dime a dozen on this website and it's so, so fucking depressing. Woman describes man behaving like a piece of shit. Everyone tells her he's a piece of shit. She leaps to his defence "well he's kind in so many ways and doesn't pressure me to do housework!".

A sandwich that's 95% wagyu beef and 5% shit is still a shit sandwich. He called you a fucking bitch. Would you accept a man treating any daughter of yours with such contempt?

I don’t know if it’s gas lighting or not, but being called a fucking bitch would piss me off.

Your husband verbally abuses you.
He’s made you feel bad and question yourself.
Exactly what he wanted to happen, no consequences for him so reinforcement for him to do it again, and again, and again.
And then your children grow up learning that men abuse women. That becomes their normal.

No man ever called me that, let alone my husband.
They would do that once.
Bastard.

He doesn't sound like a great dad or partner. People seem to have such low expectations of men that they're "great" just by doing less than the bare minimum and abusing their partners.

Great men don't call their partners fucking bitches.

Great men don't refuse to do housework "I don't care that it's messy" so you don't care that your kids live in an unclean house? Great parent. You don't care that all that work falls to your partner? Great husband.

Great men don't think feeding their child is an achievement.

A great dad and partner would have put the shopping away, and made lunch for your child and his breastfeeding wife. Literally as a standard, bare minimum contribution.

I'm sick of reading about great men on here that don't pull their weight with housework or childrearing and that verbally, physically and sexually abuse their partners.

the term gaslighting was first used in a play where the male character kept turning off the gas lights and telling his partner that she never lit them, this sums up the definition. It is to deny someone’s reality in order to make them doubt themselves and in turn think they are crazy.

I’m with the others OP, being called a “fucking bitch” is disgusting. I’m a big believer in thinking that how people handle their mistakes says everything about them. You had to essentially ask for an apology. He didn’t message you 5 minutes after leaving “I’m so sorry, that was wrong and I shouldn’t have said that” etc.

I don’t often agree with the hasty “leave him” comments but I would question if you’re wearing rose tinted glasses.

So your DH is obviously happy living in a messy, and unhygienic house. Because he cannot be bothered with the effort of cleaning it/ clearing up after himself.

You obviously have higher, in fact normal, expectations of tidiness and hygiene. When you have children even if tidiness isn't always achievable hygiene should always be . This includes clearing away food.

I think his attitude towards his home is going to end in tears anyway. The fact he is perfectly happy to swear at you and call you names infront of the children to make the point he has no intention of behaving in a civilised manner regarding cleanliness shows how strongly he feels he is entitled to behave like a slob.

He can't respect you if he even thinks calling the mother of his children that epithet is acceptable. And he is showing a worrying disregard for the children by doing it in front of them.

Um...how did he expect it to get put away? Magic fairies?

But you are apparantly "the housemaid whose sole purpose for existence is cleaning up"? While feeding your son and being aggressed by your DH.
You need to have a serious talk with him because you can't live with someone as selfish and nasty. It will only get worse over time. Propose family therapy asap because he needs to have an objective view of his nasty behaviour.

Nasty little bully. I’m so sorry OP.

He sounds foul and vile and is neither a good man, husband or father.
You do realise this is abusive?

Your poor children.
What a life they have ahead of them they will have with a father who is so casually verbally abusive to their mother.

You poor woman. Have you family and friends close by? Stay close if you do, you will need them. Tell them about this.
Women's aid is for women who are abused so call them for a chat.

You deserve a lot better than this, so do your children.