To ask you to help me decide on whether to try for baby number 3?!

[longingforbaby3]

I have just turned 39 and I have 2 children already (albeit with quite an age gap and to 2 fathers - eldest 17 and youngest 3). I cannot shake the feeling that I want a third. I don't know why, it's such a strong urge. Financially, we would manage as youngest would be in school by time the new child needed nursery so we'd not be paying 2 lots of nursery fees. Partner is on the fence about it. I'm about 70/30 in favour. Thoughts? Pros and cons? Is this madness? 😂

Forgot to say that youngest is my partner's, and we've been together for almost 10 years now.

Go for it!

I can't see any reason not to.

Do you have any specific concerns with the older two? Illness or anything like that?

No concerns with my existing kids. Both happy and healthy kids. I did have a particularly rough pregnancy with my youngest, however, so if they happened again I'd have to manage a 3/4 year old this time around as well. So I'd have to hope for a better pregnancy 🤞🏻

Any other thoughts? Cons I haven't thought of?

Well, often people talk about having to move up to a bigger car, family days out and hotels being more expensive etc, but if your eldest is 17 you might not have those kinds of concerns as eldest might be driving their own car/going on holiday by themselves by the time it matters.

Financially, although nursery fees would be fine, you might need to think about the fact that you'd be paying for two kids at university, two lots of driving lessons, etc instead of one; and this would be in your late 50s/early 60s when you might be starting to look towards retirement otherwise.

I don't think it's an inherently insane decision or anything, though. I'm nearly 38 and have 2 kids, and would love another one even though for me it would be a smaller age gap.

@89redballoons
Yes my eldest is having driving lessons currently so hopefully she will have her own car soon enough if/when she passes. She does a lot of her own thing now anyway and will be going to uni next year, so she's almost fled the nest! From that perspective it would likely be more like having 2 children I imagine?

Your comments about funding 2 kids through uni in my late 50s/early 60s is certainly something to consider though.

What would your answer be if your child had special needs? I wouldn't just assume the child would be healthy, I would consider the alternative when making the decision.

@Skyrainlight
Very good point to consider. I imagine my age would make that more of a risk.

That was what I was thinking, it's an important consideration.

I'm in the same boat, I'm 32 almost 33 with a 6 and 3 year old

I understand the urge (although for me it went after my second and I am happy as a mum of two). Before I had my youngest it was almost as though I could feel his absence. Our family just didn’t feel complete. I don’t think you would regret having another and you may always wonder “what if” if you don’t.

Having said that… I’m not sure I would have been happy having my second if my husband hadn’t been fully on board. You say your partner is on the fence. Why is that? What are his concerns? How supportive and involved would he be if you had a child that he didn’t 100% want? I think you need a frank and honest discussion and you both need to be sure.

Don't do it. HTH!

@dragonfliesandbees
His concerns are that we have our little family now and he doesn't want to upset the status quo. He feels complete. I do not. I adore both my children, of course I do. But I have a nagging feeling of wanting to do again one last time. My eldest will be fleeing the nest soon and due to the age gap, our youngest will grow up without siblings to play with. That makes me sad for her. I know my eldest was an only child as well for most of her life and she survived, but I just feel a nagging sense of something being missing, whereas my partner doesn't.

I will often look back at baby photos of our 3 year old and say to my partner aww just look at her, and he gets all misty eyed and nostalgic, but says "I don't want to do it again, I'm happy with the memories of her like that". Whereas I feel a strong drive to do it all again,

However despite this, he doesn't feel horrified enough at the idea of another to use contraception. So, he can't be that strongly opposed? And he has also at times said "if it happens so be it but let's not actively try".

Not sure if that makes any sense .

I definitely wouldn't! 2 is plenty. There are grave environmental concerns for the future. There are far too many people as it is competing for the earth's resources. Quit while you're ahead. Save time, money and sanity. You'll have more time for your existing children.

@inthekiddle
Why do you say that, out of interest?

I agree with this ☝🏻

I had my third at 40. It's expensive, we had to get a new car, 3 years more of being PT at work and career stalling (my choice, others available obviously), holidays pricey, and one more persons emotional needs to meet. But it's also an absolute joy, dynamic between kids is lovely and I'm really happy we did it.

What happens if you have twins or worse triplets?!

"I don't want to do it again, I'm happy with the memories of her like that". Whereas I feel a strong drive to do it all again

He doesn't want another baby.

@CeruleanBelt
He says he doesn't, but then he's happy to not use contraception and take a chance. So I'm not convinced.

We thought we’d go for a third and, well… look at my username.

@SurpriseTwinPregnancy
Oh wow! How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I know the risk is higher of multiples with maternal age isn't it.

34 and no, we don’t have any twins in the family either!

As your eldest is close to adulthood. The only issue is money and age. It's harder in your 40s with young toddlers.

I would only do it if I could not only help them through Uni with funding, but also onto the housing ladder. Other people may disagree, but that's my bottom line.